conquered

Hey there niteowl. Don't ask how I found this piece or why I'm evening here to comment on it. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick (7 months late), so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Truth be told I stumbled across your piece when flicking through some old reviews by another user. Usually I try and stay away from mod or other wise cool people written poetry, mostly because I'm afraid of messing up. But with the end of the year coming and I still have 71 reviews in a bet to go, my standards have changed. And this review is being written in parts so it may feel a bit disconnected.

First Thoughts
1. Poetry isn't my best thing but I'm starting to get the hang of it. I realize that each poet has a style that they follow and no rhyme scheme or specific capitalization is required. The small caps set off a sort of either not completely serious or really scared of something vibe. Considering the wording, it sounds more like regret or fear than the casual element of not caring.
2. I would have something about 'the horses of byzantium' if you had not already explained it to the previous reviewer. I was thinking that you were maybe going with an ancient society feel with all of the descriptions that you use. The descriptions/imagery (my lack of experience with poetry shows I have no clue what word to use) I guess are odd to me because they mix different styles. I've never read any of your poetry so I shouldn't be assuming the style yet but I can usually judge from one poem.

First Lines

i once rode the horses of byzantium,
my spirit entwined with angels in the wind
and my heart only filled
by the sweet wine of conquest.

1. In my mind, this for some reason makes complete sense but then when I put it on paper, it looks like I'm crazy. So I think I somewhat know what you're referring to with all of this and should I say it's sounds like love. Either that or depression. I might be a bit affected by only reading the poems that come through the Green Room, the most of which are about either about depression or love. Now my spider senses for poetry point towards sad things.
2. The part about love comes to me from all the lines about 'he has control over me'. I mean that's just my first thought that it's an actual guy but maybe it represents emotions. I'm not quite sure what to think of this but I guess I'll figure it out later on.

Other Lines
1.

then his lightning tongue
sent sparks down my throat,
lighting my flesh for a moment
before charring it.

~Okay maybe it is about a guy. I mean it could be love in some form, like he was nice for the moment that the narrator remembers before he turned. I really don't know what to gather from this because I usually don't read such cryptic things. In other words, I don't usually review such good poetry.

Just One More Thing
1. I think I actually liked this poem which is a new feeling for me. I'm trying to keep my reviews down to like fifteen minutes so I think I'm going to be on my way. I have like 10 seconds left. I'm going to run quickly out the door now.
Have a nice day.
~Lizz

Hey, niteowl! ReviewBuddy here!

You have such lovely imagery. It's really enjoyable to read. That being said, let's get on with the review.

i once rode the horses of byzantium,

Why Byzantium? Is there a relevant historical reference to that, or was it just for atmosphere? If it was the latter, it definitely succeeded, but if it was the former, then please tell me, because I'm pretty curious.

Ok, that was more of a question than a suggestion, so now let's on with the review.

then his lightning tongue

I feel like the "his" in this line kind of came suddenly, since in the previous stanza, the narrator was presumably alone. Maybe you could build up to it a little more?

I think that inconsistent imagery is this poem's biggest problem. However pleasant to read your imagery is, sometimes it just didn't connect. You spend the entire first stanza creating this ancient atmosphere of horses and wine, but then abandon it and don't return to that theme until the last stanza.

The second stanza feels more modern to me. The word "trachea" in particular felt out of place, just because it's so clinical. Also, cigarettes felt very modern to me, and it also didn't feel like a very relevant comparison to make. Cigarettes are slow killers, while lightening is fast and sudden, so it seemed like the only connection these two things had were the charred flesh. Since cigarettes are a fairly common thing in poetry, I didn't get a whole lot out of that comparison.

Was it the lungs that got charred or the flesh? I tend to think of flesh as being on the outside of the body, so the third and fourth lines struck me as oddly worded. Also, the use of "until" right after saying that the lungs were only lit for a "second" felt weird to me, since to me, "until" implies a longer amount of time.

The third stanza brings in a whole new type of imagery with the word "stardust". That just isn't something that I see meshing with the ancient imagery from the first stanza. Although, I did like the use of "tyrannized".

In the fourth stanza, you finally return to the imagery of the first stanza by saying the narrator is a statue.

Also, you have one capital "I" in the last stanza. I feel like it should be lowercase for consistency's sake.

I think you do a good job connecting the ideas, but just not the words that you use to describe these ideas. For instance, the narrator not being able to move escalating into being a "statue" in the next stanza was really good, but the stardust that you used to achieve the first part doesn't fit with the rest of the poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed this! I love the meaning behind it. You chose some very clever things to convey it with, like the statue. I think that if you could keep up the ancient theme for the entire poem, then it would be even more solid than it already is.

Keep up the great work!