The crescent moon hangs
above the city,
a prop above the highways
aching with the weight of cars.
The sliver of light
on my top floor balcony
only serves to illuminate
the cracks in the cement.
When it collapses,
my mind will be lost
in the bushes below,
safe at last from those
who tell me there is hope
in this city,
where even the moon isn't real.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hi, I stumbled upon this, and decided, why not give it a review?
Well, it started off simple and then got deep really fast.As someone who wants to be an English major, I can do a serious analyzation of each verse. Which I will right now. The moon does represent subtlety (google it). Which can represent the hope being difficult to describe.And so the narrator of this poem feels as though the moon is fake.It leaves way too soon, just like the hope in this city.Which makes sense, because cities are known to be full of amazing opportunities and such.And the narrator feels as though that is not at all true.So when the light of the moon is gone, the talks hope and aspirations from various people will (hopefully) go away.
Yeah.That's what I got out of it.I would write more but I'm exhausted (sorry!). I really enjoyed this poem. If you want another analyzation, feel free to ask me. Other than that, the flow was really good, as well as the word choice!
Have a great day!
Hello.
I'm not sure what to make of this poem, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
On the one hand, it's hanging together by threads and leaves me puzzling over the meaning and it has just enough for interpretation, just enough to pull something together I really like, especially for a poem that is so straightforward in its language. You're making it interesting by leaning towards dark whimsy instead of imagery, which is interesting.
On the other hand, the the poem is hanging together by threads and it feels like there are some gaps I'd like to see filled with something a little more... fantastic, if that makes sense? I think this comes from your end of "where even the moon isn't real", because I love that line and it sticks with me, but on first read, it came out of completely left field. The only hint was how the moon was a prop, then you describe its light and cracks (which, again, feels very real), and there's just that theatre aspect missing from the poem to really drive the "prop" concept home.
Overall, I want to love this, and I like it as is. Stanzas 1 and 3 are most certainly your strongest and really drive good points home. I just feel we need a tiny bit more clues to the metaphor before you send everything tumbling down.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
It's so hauntingly beautiful, you're a genius! I absolutely adore it. And I would like to congratulate you on how, in just a few lines, you delivered a clear message. I'd love to read more of your work. <3
I like it. First verse can use some flow work
Hello! Kam here to give you a short review for your short poem!!
None that really pull too much from the story anyway. According to word you should have the beginning of every sentence capitalized, but considering this is a poem it is up to you if you wanna or not :3 Congrats man, I could barely type a sentence without messing SOMETHING up haha!
To start my short little review, I shall congratulate you on NO MISTAKES!!
Okay, onto the next part, the part I like.
I enjoyed you poem a lot. It's short and simple but it speaks a lot. In just three stanzas you've talked about where you've lived (Inside a busy city) and how the moon is nothing but a prop in this world of cement and highways and cars. You talk about your top floor balcony(wow in a city!? expensive xD) and how the dim light of the moon does nothing but show the cracks in the floor, but your wording and way you set up your sentences make it seem like there is a muchhhh deeper meaning to the stanza.
That final stanza! A collapsing home?? Literally or figuratively? Did you apartment actually collapse beneath you or was it just your emotional world falling apart because of something?
"My mind will be lost
in the bushes below," that...I love that line. I'd lost things and minds and deep meaning just make me shudder with excitement! I love love lovelovelove that last stanza in all its glory because it shows a very cynical view of the world you exist in. The moon, nothing more than a prop, and how people lie to you. Gosh, I love it!
Last, but not least, the stuff you could possibly improve on if you want to spend more time on this work!
Lengthen it out. Add other details. Add the screams or neighbors or the lights that never fully go out, or the sound of taxi-drivers yelling at one another. I want more of this amazing imagery and more of the place you lived and how it'll all collapse and you'll finally be free. Oh, I want mooooorrreeee!! heehee xD
Okay! I hope that short little review did something for you? IF not, that's just as fine! If you have any questions just ask! :p
Have a good day, and keep writing!!