I want to write something
so delicious that you grab it in fistfuls,
like a child eating their birthday cake.
I want to write something
that rushes into your tongue,
your entire brain,
like ice cream devoured too fast.
I want to write something
that sinks into the crevices
of your lips like too much salt,
that tortilla chip residue you can rinse away
but never forget.
I want to write something
that slides down your throat
like a sugar-clogged soft drink,
only to dissolve into your fat cells
and become part of you forever.
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hey, it's ZeldaIsSheik, ZeldaIsSheik
55there for another review on some poetry, my favourite kind of literature. This review will be split into my criticisms, what I liked about the poem, and what I think the meaning might be. I'm not promising it will happen in that order... Without further ado, let us begin!Okay... This is a little disgusting... Sorry, the part about fat cells and salt in your lip crevices kind of made me cringe within myself. I haven't had that kind of stuff for a long time, so it just... bleh...
Anyway, back to the review. I think this is... beautiful? I get what you're trying to say. Junk food is something that many humans indulge in not because we need it or it is good for us, but just because it tastes good and makes us feel better. Though you say you want to write a poem like junk food that becomes a part of you forever, I also feel like you don't want to. Like, you're painting junk food in a pretty disgusting way and then saying you want to be like it. First, you compare the poem to brain freeze (which I am immune to for some reason XD), and then you compare it to weight gain from soda. We all know junk food is bad for us and fattening in a bad way, so whyyyyyy do you want your poem to be like it? Perhaps you want it to be addicting and you want it to stick to the reader, to become a part of her/him? That is implied by the last line of the poem.
Anyway, that's all I've got for you today. I'll definitely review more of your stuff after this! Keep writing
Interesting interpretation. I%u2019m...pretty sure I%u2019d been eating too many tortilla chips at the time so I wanted to do something with that salt image and this is what came up. I guess I wanted to write something that was irresistible and that people are addicted to, but I see your point as to how some of this is disgusting. Thanks for reviewing!
No problem! Thank you for replying! Have a nice day!
I <3 your avatar!
I really like this poem; it's not often I can find a nice poem about writing in itself. The repetition of "I want to write something" in every stanza helps contribute to the feel, the longing to write something as you've described. It's really smooth and the spacings are in just the right spaces. So... I guess I don't have anything to critique. The similes are amazing; I can almost feel the salt, taste the ice cream. And now I really want ice cream. Or more of your writing. Either one
Hi!
I really liked this poem! I thought it was such a unique spin on a typical love poem or even a poem about writing itself. I loved the way you described each food, my favorite stanza being
"I want to write something
that sinks into the crevices
of your lips like too much salt,
that tortilla chip residue you can rinse away
but never forget."
I can almost feel that painful salt burn on my lips. I love how your work makes me feel something, and grabs onto a feeling the writer can relate to. Keep up the good work!
-E
Hello!
(hmm.. There's something wrong there, can a poem be tasty?)
Found this poem really enjoyable and its in own way quite tasty as well!
If you wanted to write a poem as you described above then you have completely achieved your goal. Right now I'm quite hungry even though I have just finished dinner. Yep, your poem made me hungry.
The three first stanzas are excellent, but I have a problem with the last one because in a way it's scary. Thinking of a soft drink with lots of sugar, and that sugar dissolving into my cells and damaging my health is a thought that makes me shiver. It's okay though. Nothing wrong with it.
Overall, all I can say is Well Done!!!
Rosalia
Haha that's a funny poem
Anyway, whatcha here for a review!
And then, 'into your entire brain'.
I wouldn't change a thing in the first stanza.
But, moving onto second stanza. ''rushes into your tongue''? Interesting. How does it get into you tongue? Perhaps onto
Third stanza? Now I want chips so darn bad! That's all to say there.
Fourth stanza - ''sugar-clogged'' kind of ruins the image for me, as it supposed to slide down your throat. Perhaps 'sugar-filled'?
And last stanza/line thing.
Is this supposed to be addressing the poetry and fat cells? Because that's how I see it.
So, generally, all I have to say is change up ''I want to write something'', as otherwise it can get meaningless and boring. Other than that, though, this was a really enjoyable poem!
Keep writing!
~whatcha