I hate being a child,
It means the rain is my warden,
Barring me inside this house
That smells of swamps,
And echoes a mother's screams.
My only means of escape
Are by foot or bicycle,
Which my warden, how clever,
Has confiscated,
Leaving me trapped
In a den of despair.
So I'll plug my ears,
Against the sobs and the crashing rain,
And I'll close my eyes,
And pray for a future of freedom
To reach me faster,
Pray for eighteen to get here quick,
Before my warden decides
I'm not worth the trouble,
And strikes me dead, quick,
A burst of white light,
A scream,
And then maybe, finally, peace.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really enjoyed reading this piece herbgirl. You take a metaphor (the rain is the warden and the house is a prison) and you weave a colorful, emotional, slightly scary narrative from it.
One of the ways that this poem excelled was in your word economy. You did well in making your words count and get the story across in a succinct and original way (without adding a bunch of generic dead phrasing or filler).
The first stanza I think is the most provocative. The last line just pulls the reader in
I also loved how the ending is like a lightening strike - the "burst of white light". Although I'm not sure if the very last line really packed as much punch as I was expecting. The conflict is that the character needs relief from their prison - but are they willing to settle for death? Or is the kid just scared of lightening?
It's interesting how the mother, warden, and the rain/thunderstorm all contrast but work to keep this kid a prisoner.
I liked your formatting for the most part with the 3 stanzas although I think an area of criticism might be in punctuation for your poem. I think that it's a little odd that in the first two stanzas the only punctuation mark is a single comma and then in the last stanza there are three. I think there a few additional places where there commas or periods would be natural - although that's just my suggestions, and it's completely your choice as an author to make.
Overall, really interesting piece - I'm still sort of thinking out what I think it means and look forward to reading more of your work.
~alliyah
Your poem flowed incredibly well and your use of imagery was amazing. I love the running metaphor of rain and this poem can be taken several ways with that metaphor. The way I took it really hit something inside me because I feel like I can relate very closely with this piece. The only really bad things I can say about your poem is that I think you mean "are by foot OR bicycle".
Also the poem sometimes was a little confusing as it would drop off im the stanza with relating lines with no punctuation to show they were related. Although punctuation in poems is highly debated, I just feel like sometimes it can help but this is really more of a personal opinion!
Anyhow, I hope to see more from you!
Hello Remington38
nice to meet you.
This was poetic and the way it was written flowed elegantly. The imagery and description brought really vivid images to mind that are dark and haunting. I love the way that even from the title alone you have a haunting, dark, macabre sense to it which absolutely drew me towards it. I love the word choice for this and all and all I love how it as put together. Just from reading this I am definitely going to have to read more of your work because it was beautiful. You are a graceful and elegant writer in a dark twisted way which in my opinion only added to its strange beauty.