I will never be the best,
I'll never stand above the rest.
But that's alright, yes, that's just fine,
As long as I have something to call mine.
An acre of land,a house, a home,
A little garden,with plaster gnomes.
Pots and pans,an apple tree,
Something to love, no one to please.
Then even if fame knocked at my door,
I'd turn it away, and ask for no more,
Because a simple life is all I need.
Yes, the simple life is the life for me.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi there! This is really cute!
I really like the sentiment that you're getting across in this poem. It sounds pretty good to me, too! You don't focus too much on metaphor, but I think that your rhyme scheme carries you pretty well. There's nothing like a simple poem to ask for a simple life.
That being said, there's always room for improvement in any poem!
Your lines are really short right now. While the rhythm is functioning, I think it would be even better if you combined your lines. I'll give you an example. Instead of
It would look and feel better if you said,
That way, you've got these nice couplets going on. I think that would be even more effective than what you have now. Just do that for the whole poem.
I think the poem would flow better if you said something other than something. Try "a place," or "a space" or something like that. It has a better rhythm.
Overall, I really liked this simple and sweet poem. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Royal here for a review!
I can totally relate to this because I have said the exact same thing before in my life, and I think you did a wonderful job of recreating that feeling of accepting reality. But I'd urge you not to totally write off your dreams, if this poem is at all a reflection of your mindset. Keep your options open; you never know what God has in store.
Anyway, that's my content rant. Now for the technicalities.
First, I don't think you really needed to capitalize the beginning of every line. I think it would've added some cool variation if you only capitalized the beginnings of full sentences. It adds a quiet sophistication that might lend itself to your point, that simplicity is what you're really after. Also, I think it'd help if you established a set syllable count for each line. Every line doesn't have to have the same amount of syllables, but I think if you had every other line match, or maybe every third or fourth line match, it would really smooth out those parts that don't quite flow as well as the rest, like "Something to call mine."
Now, I do have a question about this line:
This is a nitpick, bear in mind. But if "fame" is knocking only once, why would you ask for "no more"? The phrase "no more" implies that "fame" has "knocked" more than once; is this a reflection of the speaker's constant rejection of fame, or is it a one-time experience? If it's more than one rejection, I think it'd help to mention a previous rejection, just to make that line make more sense. Or you could just leave it alone. Again, that is like 100% nitpicking, but I just think that line is a little awkward.
I think this would be cool if you made it longer and adapted it into a song! If you're musical. It's got a very musical quality that I liked.
Anyway, my rant is over, I promise. I liked this a lot! Good flow, good diction, good rhyme scheme. Just work on smoothing out the little rough edges.
Hope to see more of your stuff around. You've got a great voice for poetry, in my opinion.
Hello there, fellow writer.
Well, this catchy rhyme really caught my eye and made me stay for it.
The rhyme starts well at the start but kind of breaks and gets ruined midway which is kind of unfortunate because the work is very good.
After the line 'To call mine.' it actually rhymes in the not so right way at least in my opinion.
Was that on purpose or you could not think of a way to rhyme it? Because the start is very well written. I know it is a very harsh to find the perfect way to rhyme everything but you need to choose will you rhyme or not, two styles and two ways in which you can work. The rhyme kind of comes back alive around the lines with the trees. The end is kind of satisfying even unrhymed.
I think you had done a very good job. I am kind of curious how this will look if it was seperated in short stanzas but I think it is totally the way it is now also.
For the topic, I have no complains. I understand it as something one person wants to have and no more. I think that it is better if one person thinks more in this kind of way because we can not all be number one and on the top of the mountain of people. Simple life is really something better. I like the way you show the readers that you do not need anything so special to be happy and keep on living well.
Keep on writing and hope to see more of you.
I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. I think that "Fine" and "Mine" do rhyme, as do "Home" and "Gnomes", "Tree" and "Please". Just because words don't have the same ending doesn't mean they don't sound similar enough to rhyme. I'm sorry that I'm kind of going off on you, I just wanted to point it out.
I was just not sure for the gnomes part. XD
I totally understand you if you see it in a different way. We are not all same. It is totally okay.
Just a quick intrusion on my part here...
Rhyming a plural with a singular is technically only a half rhyme, not a perfect rhyme. So yes, you can say that "Home" "Gnomes" rhyme, but in truth, what you're actually looking at is assonance, when the main vowel sound in both words match (like in "TrEE" and "PlEAse").
So technically, they do rhyme. Technically, they don't. The beauty of this, however, is that this means you can create tons of different types of meanings, representations and symbolisms with this type of rhyming - and that certainly shouldn't be ignored.