Young Writers Society

Ah. The beauty of short poems. Sometimes a poem can be too short for the subject matter, but this one was marvelously well done for what it was about xD I honestly got a laugh at the end because I was certainly not expecting what you wrote!

Poetry that is so capable of making someone laugh even with so few words is something worth being proud over. Keep up the good work, and sorry for the equally short review!

This is absolutely amazing, you should keep up the good work. It is also really funny. I know that a lot people can relate to this. You're an amazing writer, you should keep up the great work. i can not wait to read your other published works. I know they'll be amazing just like this poem. I also love how you just had fun with this poem. I'm so excited for your other published works.

dude
DAMN. thats amazing I just whoa what an incredible idea for one thing and then to end it like that that's absolutely awesome. To be quite honest, I almost think that it would be better to just end it with "something was wrong" because it leaves you blown away. Putting the last line, in my opinion, kind of lessens the impact of what you're saying. for me, I read it and re-read it again because of the end. It's absolutely amazing I love it great job

Hi herbgirl

I find this quite humorous, to be honest, and I like that the last line is crossed out; sometimes the best way to say something is without words. However, I think this could be better. I believe your idea has potential, for the end is quite unexpected and funny, but I also think the beginning of the poem could be expressed differently. If I were you, I would give the "show vs. tell" famous writing lesson some thought.

Think abou it: if you describe your character's way to school, what she saw or didn't see, how she felt or not, and how she realized there was no one on the phase of earth.... How/why is it that he/she didn't have any human contact til he/she was almost at school? If you show it instead of telling it, this could get so much more interesting and less common. I would say, work on showing (rather than telling) as you develop your character better as well as their personality. The more the reader thinks they know the character, the more they will like the end. I'm pretty sure, lol. I would also work on a catchier title; it's being unjust to your idea.

Keep writing! ^_^

Hiya! InfiniteRectangles here with a brief review for you!

First, I really liked this! I love how you took a serious topic and turned it into something funny! Well done! Honestly, I would probably do the same thing the person in this poem did lol. You get so caught up in routine that you don't even notice when something changes!

Anyway, rambling aside, there were just a couple of things I noticed about this poem that could use a teeny bit of improvement.
"and everyone was gone."
I get the effect you trying to go for here, but it seems a nit long and out of place to me. Maybe if you broke it up into two lines it would flow a little better.

"And that's just sad."
Don't really understand the whole crossed-out thing, but I'm sure you have your reasons. But aside from it being crossed out, it doesn't really fit the rhythm of the poem as well. It just seems a bit awkward. Maybe if you made it just slightly longer, like a couple of syllables longer, it would fit the rhythm.

Okie dokie, that's all I have for you! Overall this was a really good poem and I enjoyed reading it! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! ^-^

Hey herbgirl!
CHRISSY321 back again literally 30 seconds between reviewing you other work!

*Happy Holidays! *

Hi again! Okay, much like you work 'The Great White Whale' The title to this work again grabbed my attention! You took something like this topic, and made it really, really funny! Again, I really did not find anything wrong, just ta few things that I would tweak!

By the time I noticed
Something was wrong.
And that's just sad.

I'd wake up to my alarm
And be halfway
To school
By the time I noticed
Something was wrong.