The wind moves quickly around you,
faster as time goes by.
Fear no longer grips you.
Only happiness.
The sky above you
And the sea below you
An infinite realm of
euphoria opens.
There,
riding on that creatures
wings, nothing can hurt you.
No one can harm you.
That place is a paradise,
one which you will never fully see.
That is good, for paradise
in truth is hideous.
Perfection holds you close,
tight under its wing,
and hides from you truth.
The world can never be perfect.
Its people can never know love.
This creature in reality is fake,
an illusion created to keep the ignorant in bliss.
If you ride that beautiful bird you are oblivious
to my world, our world.
One which you have left.
Never come to this place again if that bird keeps
flying. Never let go, for what we are will
devour you.
What we know will destroy you.
Ride those wings back to your home and
never come back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
This is beautiful, with a lot of truth to it. I'm glad the world isn't perfect. People are always trying to perfect it. And although the intentions of perfection may be good, it would probably only make matters worse. Kudos. And congratulations on getting your work published, they should be very pleased.
thank you again.
What an amazing warning this poem has to the young and hopeful and naive. Throughout your words there is Beautiful imagery. It comes off as sophisticated and protective. Scenes played in my mind as i read this almost like a movie or a novel. Doubtless confidence in every line. Your work doesn't cease to amaze.
I like the poem the way it is. thanks for trying to help, but ive already sent it off to a magizine and its getting published. yay.
There were a number of spelling and punctuation mistakes in this. I suggest you go back through and proofread more closely. With punctuation, it's sometimes helpful to rewrite the poem in prose format, punctuate accordingly, and then reformat back into a poem.
You started off pretty strong, and I like how you shifted the tone of the poem in the fourth and fifth stanzas. Unfortunately, after that point, things fell apart. Spelling and grammar aside, you jumped around with several ideas, which was hard to follow. I suggest going back and tying everything directly in to the flying bird, like how you did in the first three stanzas. Also, the transition in tone in the fifth stanza could perhaps be done more subtly. Right now, it's pretty "BAM! Tone shift!" if that makes sense.
Ooh, it was really good. And so true, perfection is truly no more then an illusion, and not even a good one. I'm not very good on revising things.... Cause i just see all the good parts in everything.. but i think the first word in the poem is slighlty wrong.. I guess it is supposed to be "They" not "The" But otherwise.. I LOVED IT