A fire rising.
A new order sought.
Their minds lost,
overrun with desires.
Their war is but one of lust.
And hatred for our kind.
Intellect is their enemy and
those creatures of thought are
their prey.
A fire rises in their hearts,
the burning set to destroy us.
If we cannot quell their thirst
for blood what will we become?
Shades of they,
the mindless soulless
creatures of this ever
crumbling world.
A blade must be driven through
their ignorance,
their hatred,
their incontinence.
Those who have the gift they seek to annihilate
must stand tall to crush
the rising tower that is their spite.
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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
yes this is a common but easily unique topic. You expressed the feeling an emotions well. It was vague but just informant enough that it could be alluring, facinating, even beautiful. But a lot of questions remain to be answered. If you read aline in this peice of poetry you can come up with at least 2 questions. With the first two lines you can have a thousand questions but most of them have to be answered in the rest of the poem. If you leave a few questions out in the open then it will give the reader something to think about. You left a lot hanging. Work on it and you'll be fine in a heartbeat. ( maybe not that quick, but) just keep writing and you will improve a lot
In most poems I read, I do not feel what the writer is portraying. This poem however, is just the kind of feeling I do think of most of the time. The sadness, and my thoughts can become clouded and poetry is a great way to empty your mind. This poem is very well written and I enjoyed reading it very much.
Personally, I would have broken the line at either "earth" or "overrun". I think it sounds and flows better.
This gave me environmentalist vibes. It was the rivers + contaminating word combo, methinks. You might want to consider rephrasing. Also, watch your punctuation.
This just confused me. What are you trying to say?
That's a rather strange use of the word "intellect" there. "Reason" or "intelligence" would be better choices.
The intelligent what?
How is it condemned? Where did these beasts come from/who are these beasts?
"Inept" is misused here.
What happened to their hearts being fuel for the fire?
"Inabilities" is misused. Inability to do what, by the way? Also, how does quelling it lead to extinguishing their hatred? Since when was their desire transformed to hatred?
Overall, this didn't strike me as poetic. There was no concrete imagery or emotion. This piece also left me wondering about a lot of things in a not-good way because there were no real transitions between ideas; you just jumped from one to the other without showing how they were related. The questions I posed above are some of the things I feel need to be addressed. It is also unclear what exactly this fire rising represents. Transitioning and expanding a bit more on the ideas you introduced will remedy that, however.
There are two main things aside that you need to work on: punctuation and word usage. You misused a number of words, and you had a lot of sentence fragments. Neither of these helped with your coherence and comprehensibility. Concerning word misuse, thesauri are very useful, but you have to be careful that the word that it says to be a synonym is actually a synonym of the meaning you want, which is when a dictionary comes in handy. Concerning your punctuation, I suggest you review comma and sentence rules.
thanks.
That's very true... and chilling. I don't have much to say except "good job."