The Eyes Behold
I see a woman whose life should
be in ruins,
whose body and mind
should be torn,
mangled and destroyed
by her past.
Twisted by her life into a
wreck of a human being.
But I don't.
I see someone who is strong,
superhuman in her ability
to overcome the horrible
things she has seen,
what had has happened to her,
the people who have tried
so hard to destroy everything she is.
You are a woman who has seen hell's
eye and survived.
You are a woman who has walked among
the inferno and quelled its
blood lust.
The essence that surrounds you is
one of love.
And everyone around is lucky
to know who you are.
How beautiful you are,
and how and inspiring your story
is to others.
They love you with all of their hearts.
With my heart.
We reflect what you have instilled in us through
everything you are,
through everything you do.
You are the reason so many of their
sorrows have been forgotten.
We wretched souls are thankful
for your love,
for your warmth
We cannot truly
understand your value,
your worth,
but seeing you in pain
we will try.
This was written for my aunt, who had cancer, and has been sick for some time. I am giving this to her so she may frame it and hang it on her wall. That is not meant to sound egotistical, but it is for her to have some hope everyday. I wanted to make this poem as great as I possibly could, but hope is a little bit out of my realm that I write in, so if this not as good as I hope please help. Any comment or critique would be helpful. Thank you.
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I understand where you're coming from. My mom had some type of rare cancer, and I wrote her something too, although she never got to read it. I hope everything goes well for you, and I know your aunt will love your work, as I do. You are a great writer, so never quit.
Thanks for the comments. I did see that cliche. i have fixed and sent to poem to my Aunt, oh and the last part breaking the flow with my, is to establish of course that I was the author, even though she already knows that. It was a bit self indulgent for my own ego haha. Again thanks.
Hey, I really like your poem
There are just a few sugestions I have for you that I think would make it better.
I think it would flow nicer if the first line wasn't so much longer than the second. i think it would flow nice if it were:
You are a woman/ who has seen hell's eye/ and survived.
I really like that
I don't know, I find this part to be a little cliche.
The shift from using "we" the whole poem to "my", which is used in only this line kinda breaks the flow.
Overall though, the poem is really good. And I'm sure your Aunt will love it
Hi Dante!
So first I'll start off with the little grammar things...
You would want to change the "who's" to "whose." And that goes for the other places you've said "who's" as well.
This line doesn't make much sense to me. Is it supposed to be a question, like "What has happened to her?" because if so, it needs only the "has" and it needs to be a new sentence probably. So the line before it would have a period and this would have a question mark.
Get rid of the second "and"
Maybe a period here before you move onto the next stanza?
I think you should have a comma here at the end before "we will try."
I think this overall is a wonderful poem and I love that you are writing it for you Aunt. I don't know her, but I'm sure it will mean a lot to her and she'll love to have it on her wall. It's very uplifting. It just needs a little work here and there to make it flow better and make a little more sense. Be sure to post your edited piece so we can see what you do with it