A Hatred, a burning.
causing an existence in shadows.
This vessel has nothing left.
This body empty.
Void of all human emotion.
What is left in this life?
What lies next for a soul such as mine?
Nothing, but a path filled with
False promises,lies that I must endure.
To live is my curse,
but death I cannot attain.
The sweet release of eternal darkness escapes me.
I am immortal.
Not by body,
but by mind and my words
will forever be my pain.
What I once was has led to this.
What I once wrote,
so powerful,
has utterly destroyed me.
Both in body, and in spirit.
In this life I have nothing left to offer.
To everyone I am just a ghost.
Roaming these lands forever,
Angry, enraged at nothing.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
thanks i guess. this was supposed to be a flat poem by the way. i got tired of writing stories within my poems and wanted to write one driven simply by emotion. i know its vague and basically unimpressive, but i just wanted to write one like this. anyway thanks again for your comments.
Hi, Dante!
Okay, so your subject choice here is a little vague. Although I am understanding the emotions you're conveying, there is no central theme, aside from emotion, that drives the poem forward and connects it all. I'm not saying that emotion isn't a powerful thing, I just think that you should try to develop a story within your poem and work emotion around that.
At the moment, the whole thing seems a little flat. For me, this is because you're simply describing this sort of hatred and emptiness, without really going into detail and expanding on it all. I'll give you some examples:
These two questions can be answered and expanded on. What soul such as his? What is it like? (Obviously you won't be saying it obviously, but some description instead of direct questions might be interesting).
I also think that you seem to have written this poem in a way that it doesn't flow or have a nice rhythm. If you remove the line breaks, it would read remarkably like prose, and this isn't such a good thing. You need to remove unnecessary words and keep the lines and beat simple, whilst still using imagery and other poetic devices which will make your poem come to life a little more.
You need to engage the reader, and at the moment this straight description of an empty person full of hatred isn't really doing it. You need to make it interesting and pull the reader into a story, which may not be entirely clear as it is in prose, but is still tangible enough to draw together tendrils of your poem and fixate it in the reader's mind.
I hope this helps, sorry if it's a little over the place. You have a nice base here - it just needs some work.
Good luck!
-Amy
Hey Dante.
This poem is quite... depressing. The language is good and it's well written, but the subject in general is one that's best to avoid. Every day a lot of people experience anger or emptiness, so it's nothing unfamiliar, and therefore there is little to gain from reading this kind of poem except to be reminded of such things.
It's also a common and cliche'd topic, and even though you may be talented at writing, nobody really enjoys reading work that's based around malice or depression which they've read a thousand times already.
Hope this helps.
-Ten