There she stands
staring at the wide,
vast sea
Her heart burning for a
man who has left this world.
Here I stand,
in the shadows behind
her,
watching tears fall to the ocean
The sunset making them sparkle.
Even in pain,
in her most vulnerable state
she is flawless.
Waiting for someone who has long
been lost to this world.
Her heart aches him
and him for her.
And as the fiery colors of orange that light
the sky fade to
quiet yellow,
the water glistens.
She stands as stone like time untouched.
And how I wish I could free her from that prison,
but her freedom would mean my destruction.
For in happiness would only come sorrow,
the face of her once love,
the face of my brother,
and the true image of me.
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Like Matt, this is a great poem, but you kind of lost me at the end. Maybe you could fix that? But other than that it's a good poem.
Hey! You use description really well in this piece, I can imagine really clearly what you're talking about. I'm not sure why her freedom would mean your destruction, so I felt slightly lost at the end but I still think that this is a really well-written piece. Well done.
Hi!
Wow, that was sooooo beautiful!
It was very enjoyable and you have a wonderful way of writing, you are very creative and I love the way you can describe the ocean and the girl, you did a very good job and gave off a mysterious feeling to me.
Again, I really enjoyed it and hope to read more like this from you.
Thank you for posting it!
Hey there, Dante. Let’s get this rollin’.
The first thing I want to jerk your attention to is your punctuation. You missed it in several places, so take a look over your piece and make sure you’re satisfied with your grammar. My ruling with punctuation is this: use it correctly, or don’t use it at all. That’s in poetry, of course, and not in prose.
Secondly, try to take a moment and look at where you put your line breaks and how they serve your flow. There are a few instances where you broke in a place that seemed a bit rough. An instance:
It’s just a suggestion. Also, there’s a stanza in which your entire syntax begins to break down. Take a gander at:
Whaaaat is going on here? Check it out and wrap it up. I’m sure you can make it work. While you’re working on that stanza, take a look at the line beneath it. I think you may have mixed up a word or two? Time is rather intangible, and therefore is always untouched. While it may sound fancy, it misses its mark.
And for the last stanza, you have a muddle of revelation all cast onto the reader at once. See, each line is a further dive into confusion, and I’m unsure how I should read into this. Try to clean it up, even expand it if you need; however, don’t throw all of this onto your reader at once. It doesn’t serve you well. If possible, try to break these revelations up through the poem—give me pieces to enjoy instead of a boulder at the end.
Let me know if you have questions/comments.
-Lumi
Thanks for the review. I put orange in the wrong place. I just looked back at it and changed to wording so it flows again.
SweetMoments here to review!
First, this is a nice poem with nice imagery as well. Now for the nit-picks.
I think you mean tears fall into the ocean or if you don't it might work better that way.
The word 'oranges' breaks the flow and is not necessary here.
Overall good work, keep writing!