Chaos ensues as I run from my
destiny,
as I hide from what I truly am,
a monster.
I breathe,
I look,
I run,
then hide.
The the beast finds me.
My true essence senses I am near
and pounces.
I run again,
afraid,
unable to take in air,
unable to breathe,
suffocating.
Breathe,
just breathe,
and you'll make it through.
I think to myself as my body
moves me faster,
as the thirst for blood
closes in.
I am out breath again,
choking,
nearly giving into darkness,
to a beast whose obscurity baffles
even its creator.
Breathe,
just breathe,
and you'll make it through.
my mind echoes.
And I do,
and again I run,
a never ending battle against myself,
to maintain sanity,
to maintain the good in me,
to see all that is light.
If breath is the only object keeping me alive
and sane,
then I am content,
for breath begins everything.
Breath is everything,
yet is never seen.
It is heard and felt,
but is not visible,
for breath is will to live,
and will to live is drive
to push harder,
and go further.
This breath,
and the next keep me alive,
keep me moving,
keep me running,
and I never feel numb.
I never miss anything,
for each second longer I live
I experience.
With air flowing through me I am
everything,
everyone,
every feeling,
and every moment.
With each breath I feel
free.
I ascend higher,
and light casts itself upon me.
Blood for blood will not win.
The desire for destruction will not prevail,
for I breathe.
The beast will always chase me,
hungry for blood,
with an endless appetite for death,
for murder,
and for complete and utter devastation,
but it will never again prey upon I.
I am free,
as long as I breathe.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
to the person right above me. A poem is meant to be a certain way so reader reacts a certain way. In this poem, the length is mean to make the reader understand the importance of breath. If you did not get that, and do not understand that all poetry can be short, then you need to mature more.
I liked it and I didn't like it. It's a love hate thing. I like your set up but I also don't like it. It's very nice. It's well written. But honestly, it's way too long. I stopped reading because it was too long. Be more pointed, more direct. Skip the fluff and just get your message across. You'll keep more readers like that.
To the guy who asked, the person in this poem is none of the things you stated. This person is an extension of me, of who I am and what I struggle with. I don't create characters based in fantasies that have to do with vampires, because they are over-rated. Perhaps he is a demon of some sort, but I hold that he is human, dealing with things no one else understands. Not in the teen typical way, but in reality. Desires, literal desires to kill, to hurt, to watch the world burn, few understand. Struggling with those thoughts everyday, with those desires is who this person is. Thank you for your input and helping change a few grammatical errors I had, and thanks to the others who commented.
Over all I like it. You had some typos, grammar, and punctuation mistakes, but other then that It was great. Good luck next time.
Hello there.
Nitpicks:
- Typo: You typed 'the' twice.
- You forgot to put 'of' after 'out'.
- Capitalize the first letter.
- I think there should be a comma after 'again'.
- I think there 'never' and 'ending' should be hyphenated.
- The word 'object' seems inappropriate here.
- You forgot to put 'is' after 'It'.
- I think there should be a 'the' before 'drive'.
- I'm not sure if there should be a comma after 'breath'.
- I think there should be a comma after 'live'.
- Comma after 'me'.
- Comma after 'breath'
- This is a really nice ending.
I think this poem is good.
Well, I've got one question here - Is the persona a vampire or a demon or something? It's not totally clear to me what he is but I think, he's most probably a vampire. xD
Never stop writing!
Thanks for the comment. By the way I don't know if you meant to say epoem or not, but since it's an epoem, am I am epoet? I'll change the poem's structure when I want to perform it on video. Thanks again.
Ooh, I liked this. Descent emotional depth, great use of vocabulary. I would change the set up just a weensy bit, it's a little bit to choppy and makes th epoem look a lot longer than it actually is. Other than that I think its good =]