Let’s Pretend
Let’s pretend
That you had the backbone
To say that to my face
That I had the courage
To not walk away
Not be the ‘bigger’ person
For once in my life
Let’s pretend
You didn’t censor
Or mangle my words
And listened
(I know that’s hard for you)
to my explanation
Let’s pretend
You forgot how
Cool and hot and badass
You are compared to me and
Told me what you thought
From the heart
Not what’s stuffed down your throat
By the bigoted populace
Let’s pretend
I pulled you down from your high horse so
You had the nerve
To look me in the eye
Without the smirk
That covers the person
Or what’s left of one
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so this poem definatly relates to almost every single person in the world, weather they speak this language or not and i just wanna say i am once again very impressed and really enjoyed reading it, please make more and when i redo my poem and story you shall be the first to know:)
I won't lie. This is certainly an interesting poem. I like it, but I feel like there could be... something more to it. Some deeper message than "you don't listen to me or respect me so I won't listen to you or respect you". I handle that message enough when I deal with my mother; looking at it in this poem is as blatant as it could be. I understand that some poetry is exactly that, emotional ranting, but this feels so nice that it's hard not to believe it could be something more.
But let's start on the poem. First stanza. In the third line, I think you meant "say it to my face", instead of "that my face"; it's a typo that I make, so I get it. That said, I'm not sure what to think about this first stanza. It seems like a very open procession of statements of thoughts all mixed together to produce one raw feeling. The problem is, it doesn't evoke that feeling in me; I just know it's there. Also, from this point on, it makes it seem like the speaker is this really full-of-themselves "mature" person who thinks they didn't do the right thing, but they did the "mature" thing. That's just an observation, mind you.
Second stanza. See, this is what I'm talking about. I understand that there is a human error in thought and diction, but here the speaker goes and says that they are blatantly disrespected by the recipient of this little speech, as if they'd never blocked out something they didn't want to hear or twist it around so it suited their fancy. It doesn't work that way. That's what humans do, and while I realise that this IS from the perspective of one person, it sounds awfully arrogant to see it on the page and realise the tone in which it's read. Then, in the penultimate line, it nearly gets snarky, and that's what really just kind of breaks the poem for me. This quickly turns from a potential wonder into... something else.
Third stanza. Again with the snark, but it's more bearable in this stanza. Here the speaker cools off a little, backs off, looks at it from more of an objective point of view. Don't get me wrong; the snark is still there. It's just a bit quieter. It also feels a little forced, a little... odd. What "kids these days" are telling the recipient what to say, how to feel, how to act? Why is the speaker so scornful of "kids these days"? It feels like you're using the KTD phrase just to have a better word than "they" or "them". I like how the speaker said "told me what you thought/from the heart", though.
Fourth stanza. I don't really like the beginning of this. I really don't like any of this except for the last two lines. They're rather a bit of an excellent way to end the poem, but the rest of it - well, it gets kind of scornful again, but I understand this stanza. I'm just not sure how to feel about it.
Overall, I wouldn't say that this is a masterpiece. I wouldn't even call it "wonderful". But as you're still a growing poet - as am I, and as is everyone else - I would say it has potential to be good. Great, even. Right now, it's just not... there. You know?
hello... Okay, I just loved your poem!! It was so deep!! Also I loved how you've started each stanza with that 'Let's Pretend' line.. I really couldn't find anything to nitpick upon.. It flowed really smooth and... i guess that's all i can say besides I loved it.. *clicks "Add To Reading list"* Good work..
Harshita:)