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140,510 Literary Works • 673,268 Reviews
I agree with storyweaver. Maybe some rhyme or meter would do the poem good. Don't get me wrong -- I have nothing against free verse, but free verse is a lot like composing without a key, or painting fine detail with your fingers: you need to know what you are doing or it all turns out like one big blob. I liked the concept, but it did plod a bit -- it was too obvious. Otherwise, I liked the concept and personality.
Okay, so I kinda like the concept here. My one problem was that you really didn't find a way to tie this all together. And I think that once it is tied together somehow, you'll manage to produce a more inspired name as well (a lot of the times I won't publish a poem if I can't find a name for it - it's sometimes a sign that it isn't fully-developed enough to have a centralized idea). While I feel like you have a pretty good sense of what you're going for, I feel like you might also want to find a way to really make these flow within each other, because it was a little disjointed. It was definitely a nice poem, but could find a way to incorporate the aspects it has within itself to kind of weave it more tightly.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver