Asymmetrical Confrontation
I’ll dissolve your “I thought you were busy”
And simmer it all night
Until it boils down to the real reason
You didn’t want me there
I’ll bind your “I forgot to invite you” to a chair
And torment it until it confesses
That the absentmindedness
Was premeditated
I’ll scour your “I can’t make it tomorrow”
With your crude remarks I overheard
Until I expose the masquerade and grasp that
You can’t make it because I can
I’ll bribe the “You weren’t there” into admitting
That everyone else wondered if I genuinely
Was busy or couldn’t make it or why the hostess had
Forgotten to invite me for the third time that month?
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I do like this poem, because it shows the true nature of "Pleasant Dishonesty". People try to be nice by lying, which shows that they don't think that you deserve the truth. My only problem is in the last stanza--
Though I usually like run-on sentences in poetry, and I do them myself, I'll be a hypocrite for a second.
This run on sentence could have been broken up, I think, into smaller pieces, but that would interrupt the overall flow of the poem...
Yes, that would break it up, but probably not the way you would want it.
Another way would be to insert commas in between the "or"s.
Sorry, that's just my opinion. (I do love how, at the end, you wrote "For the third time this month", it really brings it all together.)
But for the poem as a whole, I really like it, because I can empathize with anyone who has flaky friends.
Cheers to flaky friends!!!
Ooh, I like it. I love how you take the sorts of excuses cheaters make and did two things to them - either showed their falsity through housework or else made the excuses "confess" using torture and bribery. Due to the housework imagery, I'd hazard a guess that this poem is from the perspective of a housewife, speaking to her husband. Of course I may be wrong, but that's what I get out of it, which I thought you should know so you can see at least one meaning gleaned from this by a reader.
I personally did not find the line about the premeditated absentmindedness to be confusing, so I think you're okay there. However, I do agree that the last sentence, taking up three lines, was too long. Also, I found that slightly confusing - the bit about the hostess. Is he at a party (or something) being thrown by the woman he's sleeping with? That's what I got out of it at second read-through, but I'm not sure. (That also says to me that he's cheating on his wife with someone else's.)
I hope this helped!
~Blue
Wow! I really like this! Fits my mood really well. I really like how you personified the excuses. I cant really do much of a review because this is really good, and anything I had to say was already said. Just thought I'd tell you I enjoyed.
~Rain
Hello amygabb - glad to see you put something else up! I should really do the same soon :/
I loved the idea of this poem, and how you personified the excuses. It was really effective and made the poem really intriguing.
This first stanza was perfect; it had a good rythym and really set the mood and pattern for the other stanzas.
This was great too - only the last bit, I understand what you mean by "absentmindedness was premeditated": that they didn't forget, they just pretended to - but the first time I read it it was a little confusing. Maybe you could put absentmindedness in quotation marks to make it seem more sarcastic so that the reader knows what you're getting at more easily?
This was great too. There aren't any immediate issues with this bit
I really liked this ending, the only thing is each line in here seemed a bit too long to fit the subtle rythym you worked up in the other stanzas. Although, you don't have to change this, because in a way it worked in the poem's favour, as if the other stanzas were building up to this final question, this final blunt statement.
Overall, this was great - these are feelings most people totally understand, at least I do. It's so frustrating and hurtful when you know someone's avoiding you or just doesn't want you around. And those feelings are excellent inspiration for a poem. One thing I don't quite get is the title - could you perhaps explain it to me? Other than that, well done!