Eyewitness
If that bar of soap could talk
it would tell you how:
the son daydreaming
creates a cloud of suds
so his rubber ducky
disappears momentarily in the spumy ocean
the daughter seven years his senior urgently
lathers up and rids her face of any grease or dirt
that causes those vile zits
the father comes home late every Wednesday
and rigorously scrubs
with the assistance of that bar
the lipstick three shades too pink to be his wife’s
off his neck and chest
and
the mother who preaches to her children to
wash their hands with soap and warm water
so they stay healthy and safe
rinses away the dirt from her petunias lodged
under her fingernails and
wishes it were that simple
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This is one of my favourite poems on the website! Such a unique idea combined with such clever language is impossible to criticise.
If that bar of soap could talk
it would tell you how:
the son daydreaming
creates a cloud of suds
so his rubber ducky
disappears momentarily in the spumy ocean, My favourite stanza!
the daughter seven years his senior urgently
lathers up and rids her face of any grease or dirt
that causes those vile zits
the father comes home late every Wednesday
and rigorously scrubs
with the assistance of that bar
the lipstick three shades too pink to be his wife’s
off his neck and chest Great stanza
and
the mother who preaches to her children to
wash their hands with soap and warm water
so they stay healthy and safe
rinses away the dirt from her petunias lodged
under her fingernails and
wishes it were that simple
Filled with such strong emotions that I can't help but love it. Great job!
Your poetic style is very interesting to read and there is a strong clarity to the piece. Most of the lines were well structured and as a result there was a easy pattern of sound to follow with rhythm when reading the poem.
The concept of 'if only this wall could talk' (or in this case a bar of soap) is original and clever in my opinion. I noticed that you are good at describing real life scenarios e.g. the younger boy with the bath toys, the girl srubbing her face, the promiscuous father and the slightly troubled mother. Reminds me a little bit of my family to an extent (cough cough haha).
It was a peculiar structure for a poem, but I thought that it worked well mostly because your words flowed easily regardless of syntax etc.
If I could make some suggestions for refinement of the poem:
Stanza Two: The line "disappears momentarily in the spumy ocean" needs to be shortened because its syllable count is 14 and this hinders the otherwise excellent flow of the stanza.
Stanza Three: "the daughter seven years his senior urgently"-Don't you think the words 'seven years his senior' sounds a little bit strange when talking about a close family member. All I am saying is maybe it would suffice to write something like 'the elder daughter/the teenage daughter/etc' I don't know but the diction choice given by the poem seems a bit out of place overall.
Stanza Four: Absolutely excellent-best stanza of whole poem
Stanza Six: Seems a good conclusion to the idea of 'washing' in both its literal and figurative context.
Other points-I know that you have not put in punctuation on purpose because that is a modern technique but perhaps some points do actually need a full stop. E.g. at the end of stanza two.
I have to say thought that for your age that is a pretty socially conscious poem and I will make sure to watch out for future works by you. Well Done