Insomnia
I’ve been sitting here all night
trying my best to write a poem
counting out the syllables
wringing out their meaning
I’ve been sitting here all night
marveling at how people change
wondering if I saw the signs
and chose to pay no heed
I’ve been sitting here all night
watching dusk turn to dawn
staring up at the ceiling
feeling guilty, wasting time
I’ve been sitting here all night
worked up about those questions
like what I’ll do with my life
and how I plan to get there
I’ve been sitting here all night
rehashing my poem attempts
striving to salvage my self-respect
and possibly get some rest
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
This poem was honestly boring. A bit stale for my taste, and very repetitive. If that is was what you were going for good job, but I did not like this poem at all. No depth, no feeling, only description. I would really like to know how insomnia feels, even though I'm sure pretty much every writer has insomnia. If you want this poem to be any good, please re-work it. I am not trying to sound rude, but I am really tired of poems that are only just description.
I would have much rather read about what insomnia feels like. I was an insomniac for a good 6 months.
And I can describe what it felt like. It was that night-time monster that children fear, that heated wrath lurking beneath my skin, the earthquake that shook me to exhaustion's end, a volcanic eruption that forced my eyelids open and bleed with tiredness, a whirling motor that overheated my mind's fuel of sanity and thoughts...I can go on. That's how I would've written it.
Your style is void of much imagery. You tell us so much about what you're doing...how do you feel about it? You feel "guilty"...care to expand?
If I'm being harsh, I'm sorry. I just want to help you. I don't know how much help I was to you, but maybe this will give you something to think about for future poems.
I quite like this poem. My favourite part is the second stanza because I really like the regret I can feel through the words. Very good for a first attempt and I think you should deffinitely continue writing poetry. Keep writing. Thanks.
Hey amygabb it's me again
So this was a great idea to write a poem about. Insomnia sort of fascinates me, although it's pretty unpleasant to experience. Anyhow, it's a realatable subject and lots of scope for writing, so good topic
Strong start, I like how this acted as a sort of introduction to the rest of the poem. You had a pretty good rythym here, which is always good.
The repitition of the first line is quite effective, and my only problem is "disregard" in the last line. It seems to slow down the flow a little, not much, but a little, so maybe it would be better if you substituted it for something like "ignore".
In this stanza the rythym wasn't as good as in the others, likely to be because of the last line here - first of all there should have been a comma between the first and the last two words, and also because you crammed two different ideas into one line. It sort of seemed irrelevant compared to the other lines. What exactly are you feeling guilty about? Perhaps you can alter this line a little bit. Also this stanza didn't rhyme like the others, so work on it a little bit.
This was good, there were some good ideas except how in the second line you said "worked up about THE questions" and it doesn't seem to flow properly into "like what I'll do with my life". It's kind of hard to explain, but maybe you could change "the" to "these" or "those". Not strictly necessary, just a suggestions.
The last two lines are perfect, don't change them. They very smoothly flow into one another and the rhyme is excellent. Also, the alliteration (or I think it's sibilance, with "s"s) works very well. Only "rehashing" in the second line seems not to fit, but then I can't think of any words for which it can be substituted. So, just a thought.
Overall, good job! By tweaking this a little bit it could be really awesome! Hope the review helped
It amazes me how many personal similarities this poem reminded me of in myself. I often stay awake, trying to write, unable to sleep, feeling like the day has been wasted away in guilty fashion, feeling unproductive, feeling frustrated, feeling caught up in the technicalities of writing.
This poem was actually fantastic and it really made me think about my own situation.
I'm an insomniac, so I like the idea, but I kind of felt like you could've said more. Then again, as a first attempt this is really good! I think my complaints are more personal-preference anyway, like the fact that you repeat the first line again and again - kind of a pet peeve of mine, but do as you'd like, of course, it's your poem. I felt like you didn't really know what you were trying to say though, like you were kind of dabbling on thoughts but didn't totally get anywhere. On the other hand, this is a good start, and tweak it a bit and I think this could be pretty awesome.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver