this is victory. this is jubilation
i feel like the happiest in all of creation
why did I ask? you told me yes
yet your answer gave me no stress
~
today i'm yours, tomorrow who knows?
my love could been written in purple prose
i truly thought that you would stay
but i forgot that life's a ricochet
~
i said that i would unconditionally
be with you consistently
although i could see you within my vision
i couldn't affect your decision
~
with great sorrow i turned away
from your gaze, you neutral grey
i thought you smiled yesterday
like always, life's a ricochet
~
as i reminisce, i realize,
that i was in fault-- not a surprise
if i had only held you closer
i wouldn't have been a composer
~
if only i had talked to you
walked with you, rocked with you,
but i shouldn't wish to have kept those days
since love is just a ricochet
~
now i'm falling through abyss
i never knew something was amiss
you ran away from me-- with him
that night was cold, the night was grim
~
i have no reason to be curled
in this unforgiving world
this world that wanted me to stray
through an endless forest of ricochets
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey Alice is here to give a review
This is a marvelous poem no doubt and you made it rhyme so perfectly, it must have been a hard job to find those perfect rhyming words that fits just correctly. You are obviously a superb
poet.
Aww so beautiful, this stanza is definitely my favorite.
You are a great poet! Hope you keep writing such beautiful and emotional poetries.
Bye!!!
Hey there! :3 I really felt this and wanted to give it a review! I just wanted to show how much I really appreciated your work.
This part reminds me of that moment when you have started a relationship with someone you really adore and I felt that rush feeling. Especially with how you wrote your poem, I felt really happy and smiled at it. I'm sorry for the lack of words! I'm really speechless and I really adore this poem I promise!! T~T
And with this! I present to you, overthinking!! I loved this part of the poem yet kind of felt regret after I read it. I remember of how I used to doubt my relationships with people and then since I would overthink, as a result, I would just expect the worst and be either disappointed or happy and surprised if the opposite of the worst, happens. And however I would try it, I would always hope that I would be with them all the time, forever even. Because a part of me knew I wouldn't find anyone like them and another part of me absolutely knew there were better but I'd always think I have the best... it doesn't always end greatly, I know lol.
This is literally the aftermath of every relationship, the regret, the guilt and everything after a breakup. I always blamed myself for everything and I realized we were both at fault. Because if one would mess up, it would be because of someone. And so I just came in peace with it. I love this part of your work because it made me imagine that moment where I was crying constantly for no absolute reason hence I fell into something unhealthy. Yet I'm working on going back up and I'm gaining progress I think!!! Yet, I knew that whatever happens just had to happen. So I don't blame myself or the other person or anybody anymore :3
This part really made me sad somehow, lololol, I love this poem so much T~T And this particular part
Really was what hooked me to your work. I love the dashes that you added. It gave a moment of pause for the reader before it went to him . The regret and guilt that built up around the poem made me feel like I was stuck in a haunted forest, hungry, helpless and hopeless. Your way of writing has really captivated me and I'm really looking forward to more of your work to read!!
Tons of love!! ~~<3
I love your work so much!! So much emotion and really, really emotional for me T~T!!
<3!!
This was a lovely story and I would love context to it because it seems like it has a greater story. to say the least it was true I agree and life is a ricochet. I think that the ~ really helped seperate the story and I really liked it. the words flowed well and I love poems that rhym so that really helped my love of the poem. your writing style use symbolics perfectly and I urge you to keep writing! anyway I hope you have a great day!:)
this was a lovely story and I would love context to it because it seems like it has a greater story. to say the least it was true I agree and life is a ricochet. I think that the ~ really helped seperate the story and I really liked it. anyway I hope you have a great day!:)
It's not often that poems leave me wanting the context, but this one definitely did! I can tell there's a story behind it, but it's vague enough to leave you wanting. It draws you in and makes you wonder. I particularly am drawn to
because the use of "him" is introduced for the first time and makes you wonder. I also love the rhyme scheme! The rhythm sometimes threw me off, but I think that's just because I read too fast.I reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaally liked this poem. I've always found it difficult to write rhyming poetry, but you killed it. the only thing is your grammar, ( I'm awful with grammar so this might be hypocritical), you have no periods or capitalization. other than that i loved your poem! looking forward to reading more of yours.
"yet your answer gave me no stress"
In the context of the first stanza here, why would the answer give you stress? To me, just seems like you wanted to make a rhyme. And-please don't kill me-this brings me too my overall issue with the poem as a whole.
A really great poem reads like an extension of the author Himself, coming as it does from within your soul. If it rhymes or has any kind of repetition, it should appear to have it by accident, via the selection of the PERFECT word. Several of your word choices are awkward and unnatural, as if your soul had not yet found it's voice.
with great sorrow i turned away
"from your gaze, you neutral grey
i thought you smiled yesterday
like always, life's a ricochet"
This part felt natural, and so beautiful. I loved it. Some will say "neutral grey" is a bit cliche, but they can suck it and choke-it works!
Great poem,
I pray you have a great day.
Hi! Spunky here!
Grows:
I feel like the second line doesn't flow too well with the rest of the stanza. I'm not sure how to fix it, but maybe trying to rephrase it a bit.
Glows:
I really love this poem!
Those two lines are definitely my favorite. Overall, very well done! I usually find it difficult to make poetry that rhymes, and I'm so jealous that you were able to make it work so well.
Bye! Have an awesome day!
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like my poem!
You have an awesome day too!
Hi there!
I wanna begin by saying that this was a well-written composition, and for some reason made me think that it would seem nice as a song. You've got the theme and the storyline well-structured, and the words used are good. However, I found a few problems here and there:
1. The tense of the first stanza is present. "This *is* victory..." whereas the rest of the poem goes in past and then in the present the narrator is actually alone. This problem makes it difficult to comprehend what the sequence of events is. If you could change the tense of the first stanza to past, it would fit in perfectly. "It was victory, it was jubilation/ I felt like the happiest in all of creation."
2. Line 3 of the 1st stanza should grammatically be: "Why did I ask? You *said* yes."
3. Line 4 of the 1st stanza got me a bit confused because of the "yet" in the beginning of the line. "Yet" is used to say that in spite of the situation, something happened. So actually it may have gone like "You said no, yet it gave me no stress (I let you go)" or something. But here the girl says "yes". So the "yet" makes no sense.
Combining this with the above 2 points, your first stanza should be:
"It was victory. It was jubilation
I felt like the happiest in all of creation
Why did I ask? you said yes.
Your answer gave me no stress"
4. Stanza 2, line 1: again a problem of tenses. I know you're using the literary phrase of today and tomorrow, but it was very confusing for me to read right after the tense issues in the first stanza. You could change it if you like, though correcting the tense of the first stanza may solve the issue.
All in all, this was a good piece and I liked it.
Keep writing!
-The Golden Bird
thanks for the review!