Young Writers Society

Hey Alice is here to give a review

This is a marvelous poem no doubt and you made it rhyme so perfectly, it must have been a hard job to find those perfect rhyming words that fits just correctly. You are obviously a superb
poet.

with great sorrow i turned away

from your gaze, you neutral grey

i thought you smiled yesterday

like always, life's a ricochet

Hey there! :3 I really felt this and wanted to give it a review! I just wanted to show how much I really appreciated your work.

this is victory. this is jubilation

i feel like the happiest in all of creation

why did I ask? you told me yes

yet your answer gave me no stress

today i'm yours, tomorrow who knows?

my love could been written in purple prose

i truly thought that you would stay

but i forgot that life's a ricochet

i said that i would unconditionally

be with you consistently

although i could see you within my vision

i couldn't affect your decision

with great sorrow i turned away

from your gaze, you neutral grey

i thought you smiled yesterday

like always, life's a ricochet

~

as i reminisce, i realize,

that i was in fault-- not a surprise

if i had only held you closer

i wouldn't have been a composer

if only i had talked to you

walked with you, rocked with you,

but i shouldn't wish to have kept those days

since love is just a ricochet

~

now i'm falling through abyss

i never knew something was amiss

you ran away from me-- with him

that night was cold, the night was grim

~

i have no reason to be curled

in this unforgiving world

this world that wanted me to stray

through an endless forest of ricochets

you ran away from me-- with him

I love your work so much!! So much emotion and really, really emotional for me T~T!!

<3!!

This was a lovely story and I would love context to it because it seems like it has a greater story. to say the least it was true I agree and life is a ricochet. I think that the ~ really helped seperate the story and I really liked it. the words flowed well and I love poems that rhym so that really helped my love of the poem. your writing style use symbolics perfectly and I urge you to keep writing! anyway I hope you have a great day!:)

this was a lovely story and I would love context to it because it seems like it has a greater story. to say the least it was true I agree and life is a ricochet. I think that the ~ really helped seperate the story and I really liked it. anyway I hope you have a great day!:)

It's not often that poems leave me wanting the context, but this one definitely did! I can tell there's a story behind it, but it's vague enough to leave you wanting. It draws you in and makes you wonder. I particularly am drawn to

now i'm falling through abyss / i never knew something was amiss / you ran away from me-- with him / that night was cold, the night was grim

I reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaally liked this poem. I've always found it difficult to write rhyming poetry, but you killed it. the only thing is your grammar, ( I'm awful with grammar so this might be hypocritical), you have no periods or capitalization. other than that i loved your poem! looking forward to reading more of yours.

"yet your answer gave me no stress"
In the context of the first stanza here, why would the answer give you stress? To me, just seems like you wanted to make a rhyme. And-please don't kill me-this brings me too my overall issue with the poem as a whole.
A really great poem reads like an extension of the author Himself, coming as it does from within your soul. If it rhymes or has any kind of repetition, it should appear to have it by accident, via the selection of the PERFECT word. Several of your word choices are awkward and unnatural, as if your soul had not yet found it's voice.
with great sorrow i turned away

"from your gaze, you neutral grey

i thought you smiled yesterday

like always, life's a ricochet"

This part felt natural, and so beautiful. I loved it. Some will say "neutral grey" is a bit cliche, but they can suck it and choke-it works!
Great poem,
I pray you have a great day.

Hi! Spunky here!

Grows:

i said that i would unconditionally

be with you consistently

today i'm yours, tomorrow who knows?

my love could been written in purple prose

Hi there!
I wanna begin by saying that this was a well-written composition, and for some reason made me think that it would seem nice as a song. You've got the theme and the storyline well-structured, and the words used are good. However, I found a few problems here and there:
1. The tense of the first stanza is present. "This *is* victory..." whereas the rest of the poem goes in past and then in the present the narrator is actually alone. This problem makes it difficult to comprehend what the sequence of events is. If you could change the tense of the first stanza to past, it would fit in perfectly. "It was victory, it was jubilation/ I felt like the happiest in all of creation."
2. Line 3 of the 1st stanza should grammatically be: "Why did I ask? You *said* yes."
3. Line 4 of the 1st stanza got me a bit confused because of the "yet" in the beginning of the line. "Yet" is used to say that in spite of the situation, something happened. So actually it may have gone like "You said no, yet it gave me no stress (I let you go)" or something. But here the girl says "yes". So the "yet" makes no sense.
Combining this with the above 2 points, your first stanza should be:
"It was victory. It was jubilation
I felt like the happiest in all of creation
Why did I ask? you said yes.
Your answer gave me no stress"
4. Stanza 2, line 1: again a problem of tenses. I know you're using the literary phrase of today and tomorrow, but it was very confusing for me to read right after the tense issues in the first stanza. You could change it if you like, though correcting the tense of the first stanza may solve the issue.

All in all, this was a good piece and I liked it.
Keep writing!

-The Golden Bird