t/w: mentions death
long plastic tubes with joyous colors
simulate our deaths in 20,000 ways,
leagues beneath the sea, yet miles above the ground
tumbling down into the belly of the beast
and emerging, surfacing to catch our breaths
the moisture sticks to our polyester cloth,
dragging us down to pull us beneath the surface
filling our ears and nostrils with the deathly water
and perhaps we are to die—?
of course not, these are man-made waves, after all
still I hope that we can one day return to this place,
to these empty chairs and empty tables,
faded plastic on broken slides,
in a water park that has long since met its demise
but this fake waterway will still remain
rocking us back and forth on a perfectly planned path
its artificial waves singing us a mother's lullaby
we fall asleep on the lazy river once again
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137,924 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
hello!
WOW. love this. even though the scene is set at a waterpark, i still believe it speaks on a larger scale on the crisis of plastic pollution in oceans and yet we've become so incredibly complacent. i don't know if you were trying to make this statement, but well done either way!
the tone though is very nostalgic but also has this liminal, dark sense, as if you were returning to a waterpark on chernobyl. longing to return to a place that was once full of so much life that is now decrepit is a feeling that a lot of individuals feel. it really speaks to how nothing in this life is really permanent.
i did enjoy the "perhaps we are to die—?" because it adds to the level that nothing is permanent, as anyone very well could die in a waterpark. it does change the tone of the poem a bit, but if you're alluding to lack of permanence it really fits.
this was such a good read and a very creative idea that has so many layers to explore and that is the kind of poetry i love to read, so keep it up!
-rainforest
hey hey! ^_^
YAYYY WATER PARK POETRYYY
thoughts
[1] the concept here is SO interesting! the poem takes something playful and artificial and turns it into something weirdly existential. we love the contrast between joyous colors and simulate our deaths in 20,000 ways. it’s dramatic, but intentionally so, and it immediately gives the poem this eerie after-dark feeling. there’s a liminal quality to the setting.
[2] the poem’s relationship with artificiality is compelling. of course not, these are man-made waves, after all is SUCH a neat turn! it undercuts the fear with humour, but it doesn’t actually erase the fear. the fake danger still feels real because the body reacts to it anyway. that tension is very cool.
[3] the ending is beautiful! its artificial waves singing us a mother's lullaby is gentle and unsettling at the same time. the lazy river becomes comforting, but there’s still something strange about being rocked to sleep by a dead, artificial place. very dreamy, very haunted, very effective -- we liked how it felt like there was still something looming over the narrative too!
suggestions
[1] the opening image is strong, but long plastic tubes with joyous colors feels less precise than the rest of the poem. maybe something like “bright plastic tubes” or a more tactile description could make the image arrive faster. joyous colors is charming, but it feels a little abstract compared to the physicality of the later lines.
[2] leagues beneath the sea, yet miles above the ground is a great paradox, but we wanted the logic of it to be a bit clearer. it gives a big mythic feeling, which we like, but the poem is otherwise very grounded in the water park setting. maybe lean into the exaggeration even more, or make it more visibly connected to the slide/tube experience.
[3] the line and perhaps we are to die—? is fun and melodramatic, but the punctuation makes it feel a little uncertain in tone. if you want it to be theatrical, maybe keep it! if you want it to feel more eerie, dropping the question mark or simplifying the line could make fit better.
overall, this is such a cool poem!! it makes childhood leisure feel apocalyptic, and we love apocalyptic poetry!! the artificial waves as a lullaby is such a memorable final image. we'll be thinking about this later!!
~ adore