i wish the flowers would stay by me
every day i crumble
i wish the grass would never leave
every time i fumble
i wish the world would stay bright green
while the cold day comes
i wish my heart'll return to spring
so i can piece my crumbs
i wish the trees were not silent
as the green begins to leave
i wish they would lend a hand
on that christmas eve
but once the spring returns again
i'll hold those flowers tighter
i'll brush away the snow and ice
the green grass can be brighter
i'll tend to every plant on earth
so they can try to stay
but still, i know when winter comes
they'll all just die away
why won't the flowers persevere?
the weather can't touch me here
the hail and sleet may be severe
but the grass will die in fear
i wish i'd hold them closer still
every time they bloom
i wish you'd stay with me as well
but you left too soon.
too soon for me to cry
too soon for a goodbye
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
That unmistakable rhyme and rhythm perfectly add to the charm of this beautiful poem. It simply rolls off your tongue in perfect flow. The metaphorically implied meaning is also really amazing.
I especially love the line:
'i wish my heart'll return to spring
so i can piece my crumbs'
I get that you don't capitalize the letters for style or whatever other reason, but that kinda disrupts the flow. Maybe it's just me because I rarely come across these types. You might consider just capitalizing the i's, but it's really your wish.
The other thing is that it's kinda hard to catch the metaphor before reading the last lines, you could mention it somewhere before.
Keep Writing!!
Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review. So... let's get started!
POSITIVES:
First and foremost, this poem flows extremely well. And I really mean it. The transitions between lines and the melding of the words together is just lovely. I don't think I've ever seen a poem on this forum that flows as well as this one! Wonderful job! Give yourself a pat on the back.
Either you have a talent for rhythm or you're great at editing. Doesn't matter. Bravo!
Like what @akanbright previously stated, your use of the characterized nature images with the theme of perseverance, is beautiful. This gives the poem a more human like quality, especially when you related your urging of nature to persevere with humans in general. The comparison in general between humans and plants is just wonderful. Even though we aren't necessarily like plants since we have a will of our own, emotions, and longer life spans, there are so many things about plants that make them "stronger" then us.
I love a good nature poem. The images are simple and sweet but so meaningful. Aesthetic wise, it's just exquisite. I also liked the lack of capitalization. That approach added something unique and pleasing.
You kept a consistent ABCB rhyme scheme. Thank you for that. When poets utilize rhyme, even though sometimes stylistically an inconsistent rhyme might add layers, but here the structure works and is needed. You did though change the rhyme scheme for one stanza to an AAAA rhyme. It was a bit sudden, but strangely I like it.
My favorite lines in particular are
CRITIQUES:
So... there really isn't much to say. Most of the things I'll say were previously stated and might just be me being picky so just humor me.
Poets do forgo capitalization for a stylistic approach. Same for the italicized text. Here I don't think that is necessary, that just might be my opinion though.
Like @akanbright stated, your last stanza is the only stanza that somewhat discusses your subject. All of the stanzas should probably follow that.
Overall, the themes and mood are wonderful. I loved your repetitions and metaphors. You're very talented. Keep on writing!
I really like this poem. I think it's really easy to read and flows nicely
I'll definitely be coming back to this!
The only part of the poem I don't understand are the lines "I wish my heart'll return to spring/ so I can piece my crumbs" - that might be just me though.
I really like how the flowers, grass and trees are talked about, especially in relation to the person who left (I assume died?). It's a very sweet but sad poem I think.
Thanks for writing something so good, and thanks for sharing
Thank you for the review!
Akan brights here for a review.
I really love the outlay and systematic structure of the poem, beginning from the title persevere. It was really a nice one, but first I thought as the title goes, it would really throw in what I thought it would, but anyways, it's nice and good that you put forth the words and lines to suit the content of the poem.
I may not have much to throw in as a review, but I really want to compliment the workings of your poem to bring about a fascinating philosophy of characterized perseverance in plants and flowers, gives it a real human attraction, especially when you related and urged it to persevere just like humans would do. Although humans have a longer life span than plants, but I don't think they have the ability to persevere because they are just there and unlike humans, don't have a will of its own talk more of persevering.
Again, I discovered upon my reading that it's only the last stanza that kind of speak on your subject and I think it shouldn't be so. In a way, every stanza or verse should develop on the idea or subject in place.
More or less, i wouldn't ignorantly miss out on your repitition and lovely use of figures of speech, with prowess, you dished out your concepts in a more synoptic way.
Keep writing.
Akan bright.
Thank you for the review!