i rush to the finish
with all my might
or hope with my soul
that my score's all right
~~~
or maybe i shoot
or serve or pass
or hit a hole-in-one
at last
~~~
i won the game,
i won the match,
i chugged my drink,
down the hatch,
~~~
but what is this wordless, helpless feeling?
that makes me feel far beneath the ceiling?
i won, right?
i'm done, right?
~~~
what is victory?
how is it defined?
how is our taste
of winning refined?
~~~
is winning
just a higher score?
or is winning
really something more?
~~~
i turn to see the sorrowed faces
of those who lost the collective races
those who tried as hard as me
those who saw but could not see
~~~
those who wanted to win, not sin,
those who wanted to cry, not lie,
those who saw the finish line
those who didn't get there in time
~~~
their anger, contempt,
pointed at me,
the winner, first place,
the one they could see,
~~~
like an army of warriors
they charge at me
in a struggling attempt
to catch victory,
~~~
but victory
cannot be held
by those who win
nor those who felled
~~~
when you are in first,
you are on your own,
with glares around you
intentions unknown
~~~
to win is to feel
the pain of loss
for only the sinners
can feel the cross
~~~
but while i laugh and play my best
there is no choice, sadly, alas,
i'll turn away from victory, then
i'll never, ever win again.
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139,203 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Hello Yoshi!
Anma here for a review:3
This is absolutely amazing it flows really well and it’s meaning is priceless. The way you formed the poem and the slight rime to it is really nice to hear out loud. Here’s some recommendations I have for you! When you get into a poem it’s really hard to get out and pay attention to how it looks professional wise. With your lines try to keep the beginning letter of the beginning word capitalized. I know it’s not much but it appeals to the reader in more then one way. Second! I didn’t see very many grammar issues except one.
“Nor those who felled”. (Correct spelling is failed)
But either then that it’s so good! Keep up the good work :3
Your friend
Anma
Hi Yoshikrab!
I love this poem! I love the light, rhythmic feel as the poem explores the concept of winning and breaks apart the negatives involved with a win and the corruption and pain it envokes. I really liked how you used rhetorical questions throughout the poem because those not only added to the speaker and the character of the poem, but it roped the reader in as well. It got the reader to consider this poem not only in the context of the poem and the speaker's situation, but in their own life as well. It makes the poem relatable to the reader and lets them be impacted by it, which is a beautiful thing. I also love the speaker's growth throughout the poem. How he was consumed with the need to win at the beginning, started questioning what winning really meant in the middle, and then decided that he no longer wanted to win in the end. That being said, I do have a few suggestions. I think that you should make the rhyme scheme more consistent. I saw that you do have a lot of end rhymes in your poem; however, I couldn't find a consistent pattern of rhyme that carried throughout the entire poem. I think that adding this consistency would add to the rhythm of the poem and make it a smoother read, but then again, it's totally up to you. Also, in the line "nor those who felled" I feel like "felled" isn't the right word for this line and doesn't quite fit because felled means to cut down a tree but not really someone who lost a game. Maybe you would be able to find a better word for this line. Other than that, it's a really great poem and a really interesting read. Keep writing!
First off, I want to start by saying you bring up some very deep thoughts and ideas about winning and losing within the piece. It’s well written, with a relatively simple rhyming pattern. I just have a few notes, and you can take them as you will!
I love the references to multiple sports games. It allows the reader to not focus on one particular game, but the concept of winning in general. Awesome!
I must admit, “I chugged my drink down the hatch” feels a bit out of place. I could understand if it was the concept of a victory drink, but the first time I read it, I was just confused. A bit of rewording might help make it clearer, or if you’re not too invested in the idea of the drink, you could attempt to find another rhyme for match. If that doesn’t work, you could even switch “I won the game” and “I won the match” so you find a rhyme for game instead of match.
I love this line. No notes, just saying I love it lol.
Yes. I love this entire stanza. The collective races idea is brilliant, and “those who saw but could not see” is as well. I’m not quite sure if the correct usage would be “sorrowful faces” instead of “sorrowed” but that’s not very important.
To be honest, this feels like you’re attempting to find things that rhyme instead of molding the lines to fit other words that rhyme. I’m not quite sure how losing is equivalent to sinning, or how not crying is equivalent to lying (unless you’re going for the idea of hiding their true feelings as lying, but that feels like a bit of a stretch for a line this short unless you expanded upon those ideas in another line). I’d suggest attempting to revise or just cutting the rhymes at the end of the lines.
YES. A throwback to the “those who saw but could not see” line. Love it. I would love a connection of what they couldn’t see, since now we know what they could see (aka, the narrator.)
I would suggest a revision along the lines of “glares surrounding you” or some variation to make the line a bit stronger, but that’s completely up to your personal preference.
Ah yes, the religious reference. Alrighty, I see how you were attempting to tie in sin earlier, but this is so much later in the poem that I didn’t make the connection on my first read-through. Possibly moving some lines around to include this reference earlier so the sin line makes sense, unless you don’t cut it.
Alright, that’s a pretty solid ending. I would love to see maybe a bit more explanation for why the narrator turned away from winning. We know it causes glares and hate, but I want to see their reaction to it. How does it make them feel? Then, them never winning again will be more of an impact. I feel like the laughing line is a bit out of place as well, unless you included something about them also lying to hide their feelings of hurt or sadness at being shunned for winning.
Overall though, this piece was really good! Again, take any of my suggestions as you will, for they are merely suggestions in the hands of the author— with or without them, the poem is still very good! It is simply a matter of what you believe could strengthen it.
thanks for the review
Of course!