Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Right guys, I haven't published anything in a LONG while, and this probably shows it, but I actually wrote this right after I had a panic attack, so it's probably way too emotional and full of mistakes. Rip it apart if you please.
This isn't a poem.
It's not just something I wrote.
It'll knock you out cold,
And grab you by the throat.
It'll love you and leave you,
It'll beat you and break you.
You could look away, it would be so easy,
But you know you don't want to.
It's a story of depression, blood, tears and death;
About a girl who was more addictive than pure meth
To a drug-addled wreck like me. After all, the drug was her.
One late september day, I told her I loved her, looking right into her eyes,
And that's when it all started. The Blood. The Rage. The Lies.
She said she was fine, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
The next day we weren't allowed to talk, no matter how much I needed her.
It only took a week for things to get totally fucked.
I felt lost, empty. Missing the home from which i'd been plucked
As if rudely awakened from a 2 month slumber.
The dreams however, were more disturbing than they were somber.
One night I was drowning in blood-soaked ocean;
The next night I watched my best friend die by my side.
The nights got darker, a myriad of heart wrenching stories
Woke me screaming and sweating, wishing I had died.
My breathing gets faster.
My mind starts to race.
It's just too much to muster,
I need some fucking SPACE.
My eyelids roll apart.
My pupils adjust.
I sit up tentatively, and feel what must
Be blood dribbling down my forearm.
But this isn't the end of the story.
That was just self-harm.
I didn't make you read this.
You chose that journey yourself.
You'll close this page, and stay away from me
If you know what's good for your health.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review day review for you!
.
. That's the end of my nitpicks.
.
Let's get down to business then, shall we?
Love the imagery here, by the way. It's beautiful. I also really enjoyed reading the poem with it. I think everyone can empathize with it on some level, and that makes it a great subject.
Nitpicks:
And that's when it all started. The Blood. The Rage. The Lies.
I think you can make each of the sentences a separate line in the poem to build more towards your climax. After all, you have a very dramatic poem here- the ore anxiousness the reader feels, the better.
You also start off with a sort of rhyme scheme here, in the very first verse:
This isn't a poem.
It's not just something I wrote.
It'll knock you out cold,
And grab you by the throat.
Between wrote and throat, it rhymes. However, nearly none of your other verses are anything close to rhyming. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, but if you did, I'd change it not to rhyme, since you have a sort of free-verse type thing going on here, and I think it emphasizes your topic more if it has no order to it- more chaotic- and it makes more chaotic emotions stronger the less structure you have
After all, the drug was her.
I'd also make this a verse by itself. It's a statement from the narrator to his/her audience, and a very strong statement at that. It also would read better if you made it separate.
Great work love
Your imagery is amazing. I wanted more description of the nightmares, though. Maybe dedicate a couplet to each of them? Or if not a couplet, just more than one line- how much ever you can describe
Keep writing, love.
~Aurora
Wow, so full of emotion. It reminds me of a friend of mine writing. I miss him but its ok. Thank you being you and reminding me of him. Your writing is really good. Keep up the good work. Can't wait to read more of your work.
Wow, i'm really sorry about your friend, and i'm glad I could remind you of him even though you miss him. I know what it's like to miss someone and not be able to do anything about it. Your comment means a lot, thank you so much <3
Hi!
I agree with Elinor Brynn that it's missing something. The verb tenses you use seem to contradict each other. I can't tell what's in the present and the past.
In addition, there's vague imagery here, with not enough choice words to create a vivid image. In some places what it transpiring is unclear. I can't tell what's happening in certain moments. That might be something you were striving for, but it makes it harder for the reader to find something to connect to.
You just need to reread and see how to make the poem more concise. It's a great idea though, and so far it's really good!
Hope I helped!
Hi there,
I liked this! It's certainly unique, and the story certainly flows well. I can tell that the subject is important to you, which makes connecting to it emotionally all the more easier. Writing that comes from the heart is always the best, anyway. This is also impressive for being the first piece you've written in a while -- once we get out of the groove of writing, it can be difficult to get back in.
I don't know how much experience you've had with writing poetry before this, but with this is lacking right now is a sort of rhythmic flow-the narrative is fine, it's well paced and clear enough-but part of a good poem is the beauty of the way the words sound. While in prose you say what you want to say in a matter of fact way, poetry relies not only on narrative but also on the beauty of the words. I'd suggest reading the work of some famous poets to see how they go about it. Right now, this is very blunt and to the point, and doesn't create a lasting image in my head.
Best of luck! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions.