This turned out to be a little bit sadder than I intended it to be, but I stopped it from turning too dark as I though it would ruin it :') Review your hearts out :P
Ever since I was 5, I was running.
Always running to my best friend,
Or running outside to get the first rays of sunshine.
But those first rays were always the coldest.
_________________________________
Even when I was 12, I was running.
Running from the hellhole I called home,
Or running across fields wishing I would find hope.
But those fields were always empty.
_________________________________
Now that I’m 16, I’m always still.
Never moved, an emotionless carcass
To be picked at by the laughing hyenas of adolescence.
But you need to look past the hyenas
And the lions at the head of their pride.
_________________________________
The lions roared, and the vultures screeched
To penetrate the veil of happiness I drape across my face.
But eventually it was not the roar that broke me.
It was the outstretched foot of a kind sparrow.
And it stopped me running.
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140,541 Literary Works • 673,413 Reviews
Hey!This is what I thought of your totally AMAZING poem aww sorry, dead give away!
YES! AMAZING! okay, this is a little depresing but its GOOD! I have to say that I am milking this for the points but not just for them! OMG FOR YOU! you're an amazing young writer and I want THIS to reaach the darn featured list! Right up there with Warmth, I don't need to critique this, its to good for a rating. Speaker asked what people honestly thought so I gave him a rating but I don't think he needed one. Nor do you! Enjoy my love of your amazing and well formatted poem while it lasts because not everything does.
Best Wishes For All You Writers,
~PonyzandPokez
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Hey!
I love this.
I especially love the last stanza:
'The lions roared, and the vultures screeched
To penetrate the veil of happiness I drape across my face.
But eventually it was not the roar that broke me.
It was the outstretched foot of a kind sparrow.
And it stopped me running.'
Beautiful imagery. I love how you've used different animals to show how you felt, and especially when you attributed kindness to the sparrow... yet it felt like it wasn't necessarily a 'kind' sparrow, but more of a trickster that just pretended to be kind due to its outstretched foot.
Love the last line, very strong. Love the words because they're yours and no one else's and you've made them yours.
I do have some nitpicks though, otherwise this review would be completely useless, right?
Something felt a bit off with your first stanza. Upon reading it, I realized what it was. What messed with the flaw was the repetition of the word 'rays'. I realize that it may be necessary, but it detracted from the poem for me. I had to stumble over it as I read it. In fact, this also happens in the last stanza with 'roar', but not to the same extent. Perhaps you could look at using alternative words, or even just try reading the poem aloud to see whether you could change the word order so that this 'stumble' will not occur.
Let me know if you want me to clarify,
Hecate
I love it. Keep it up.