Torment

It was good, but there are still a couple of little hitches in the rhythm that need to be ironed out. I don't like you starting a line with "and capillaries" because I imagined the end of a phase at the end of that line. Also later in that line " a big green one in the middle" seems awfully unpoetic. Perhaps go along the "a writhing snake pulsating with blood cowers in the middle." (EXCEPT BETTER!)
Also I think the last line would be better without the demon, that just leads to impersonalisation. Rather just say the words out loud, that I think would provoke a more shocked reaction.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

No! Don't change last line, second verse! I saw that as meaning you pictured Death as being in fact the knife. Gave it person status. I also interpreted the word retched as meaning vomiting/choking sounds.
Couple of punctuation fixes.....last line (which is BRILLIANT) needs a comma before the last " then a small t for the word the which should bring the last line in as one whole sentence, if that's what you intended.
And yep, spider's web needs the apostrophe.
Haven't read quite anything better than this poem which captures the intensity of the awful moment so well.

Yeah....wow. I absolutely adore this piece of poetry. The darkness and the broiling emotion chaotically thrown across the entirety of the poem is itself a perfect, beautiful illustration of self-harm and the pain of such a moment as this, though your words also do the job amazingly well. I'm going to continue with praise, but first I'm gonna throw a couple of suggestions at you (of course these are only suggestions to take or not to take at your own discretion).

At first as I looked over this I wondered at some of the word choices, some are a little harsh and large for my taste, but then again I think they also compliment the situation and narration of the poem. My only nitpicks on word choices would be "capillaries" in the second stanza, the second "salty" in the last stanza, and the first "down" in the last stanza.

My problem with "capillaries" is not only the few things of biology that I know but that it's a big word with many syllables and I think (the slightly shorter) "arteries" would flow better. If you are set on using "capillaries" then I would encourage you to switch "veins" and "capillaries" because that might not only improve flow but make more sense of your poetic imagery in "spiders web" since capillaries are very small and interconnected while the "big, green one" is most likely a vein/artery depending on what you're looking at on your wrist.

The second "salty" in the last stanza I believe is not necessary. I like the idea of the "salty rivers" in the third stanza becoming a cascading wall of bitterness in the last so that extra "salty" is unnecessary to me. It'll take a tiny "hiccup" out of your flow in what I believe is a very strong (VERY STRONG) finishing blow to the poem.

Also, in a similar fashion, you may want to remove "down" in the second sentence of the last stanza as it's also used in the third sentence and I like it better there. So, the second sentence would be "And I broke there on my bed." The picture of breaking to me would benefit the poem itself because it is so much stronger and more vivid then the image of someone "breaking down" as we colloquially call a cry fest since what you were experiencing was so much more than that.

Now that I got that out of the way I'm going to continue on my amazing worship of such an extraordinary piece.

I love dark things as I'm one of those people who thinks along the lines of "without sadness/pain we can never know true joy" and "without the dark we'd never appreciate the light." Dark things remind us of the trials of humanity, and of ourselves, so we can better appreciate and give thanks for the good when we have it and the light when we can see it. The complete and utter darkness permeating this poem only makes me proud that you didn't succumb to it and at the end of the poem I not only realize and feel your pain and darkness from that time...but I get to relish in your overcoming it (despite the demon).

And that last line. That. Last. Line.

I'm not sure what I can say to that as it's something I recognize deep in myself and can't verbalize that well. We briefly discussed my self-harm stuff, so I get the demon, I practically HEAR the demon in my own head when reading that and I applaud you for it. It's beautiful. It's magnificent. It's a knock-out to the face and I love this poem so much. Thank you very, very much for sharing and if you have any questions/comments/concerns feel free to PM me anytime.

-Bright (P.S. if I have grammar errors or punctuation errors or "that doesn't make sense" errors please forgive me as I'm super tired. But when I saw this I knew I had to write a review so yeah. Love it.)

Hey! Retro here for a review!

I will do some nitpicks before talking about what I liked (including subject matter)

'spiders web of veins'

now I'm not 100% sure here but I want a posseive after spider. I think it will help your message for some reason

'I moved death closer. '

In terms of poetic flow I think I moved closer to death would be a more poignant and hard hitting phrase. One which would sound even more daunting to a reader

'I retched'

Again, I'm not entirely sure so feel free to disreard this comment but I would have spelt it as wretched.

I think that is it on nitpicks so onto what I liked. I,personally, have suffered self-harm, an eating disorder and a plethora of issues so I think you are incredibly brave and I am so proud of you for this piece. I think it is beautifull written and you put across a very poignant point. It is void of clichés and incredibly awesome. I am sorry this happened to you but I'm not sorry you wrote it! I think this is incredible so well done.

*Liked*
Thank you for this,
here if you need me,
~Retro