We first met in person; we quickly glanced at each other,
You messaged me later and you were gentle to take off the cover
Of shyness that separated me from the rest of the world,
And you proudly watched as my personality unfurled.
_______________________________________
Who would have known that 3 years down the line
I would be lying awake in bed, wishing you could be mine.
Hurting myself for mistakes I imagined I had made
And knowing that one day, like all the others, you would fade.
_______________________________________
We’ve come a long way from that first meaningful talk.
A distant memory now, as among long-dead dreams I walk.
A long way from our fingers racing across the keyboard
And hanging on to promises thinner than a headphone cord.
_______________________________________
People ask me who you are, and why we still talk so much,
But truthfully I have no idea, because every night I have to clutch
Onto your caring words or my nightmares will keep me transfixed
On suicide. Maybe some things aren’t meant to be fixed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hey, Wey!
I love it so much. It's definitely my favorite part of the poem.This line is great:
Now, let's dive right in, shall we? Here's my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
The mood switches very abruptly between the first and the second stanza. Maybe add a bit more in there so the transition isn't quite as jarring.
This poem doesn't really go anywhere after that jump, either. It just kind of whines to itself like a lonely puppy. Make it go somewhere. Anywhere.
The rhyme scheme isn't really doing it for me, either. I'm kind of biased against rhymes, though, so take that with a grain of salt. A bunch of the rhymes seem kind of forced, though, so watch out for that. Also, it makes some of your lines awkwardly mixed up (I'm looking at you, second line of the third stanza) Rhyming tends to add a juvenile air to the piece (unless it is done extremely well), so perhaps make this into a free verse.
I loved the image of the headphone cord, but there weren't many others in the poem. Add more similes and metaphors to illustrate your points better and keep the reader interested until the end.
I hope that this review was helpful to you! Have a great day, and keep writing!
This was brilliant, I loved each word of it and how they played together to make this poem, I like how you made it deep and you put a lot of passion into it.
I read it over and over till I loved it even more, it's truly a lovely poem.
I can see many feelings in this poem, and I can relate to each one.
This is the first poem I've read on this website, and I'm glad I chose it as my first read.
Love it.
Wow, that really means a lot to me
thank you so much!