The vodka that turns me into a trembling wreck.
The cigarettes that make me long for home.
You know it’s too late when you steal that bottle,
Take it up to your room, and start drinking alone.
__________________________________
A hunger that beats away at a full stomach.
A dream that persists upon a sleepless mind.
Haunting fear that refuses to settle inside
Fights a longing that cannot be satisfied.
__________________________________
Loneliness that erodes at a weakened conscience.
Heartbreak where stitches cannot mend the wound.
A deep red scar that refuses to erase.
A second.
A third.
__________________________________
The hollow human shells that falsify empathy.
The shadows that haunt me and find me at my weakest.
The only person I care about is slowly fading.
My body is dying, but my mind is still alive and kicking.
__________________________________
Drifting memories slowly drown,
And those once-sweet symphonies sing me to my grave.
Old friends shun me, as my confidence shrinks down,
And I’ve been blinded by the love you gave.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to say how amazing this poem is since there are some end rhymes throughout this poem. Also how this sorta reminds me of my friend who recently went through depression (since her dad had died).
Some nitpicks to point out:
those once-sweet symphonies sing me to my grave I don't think you need the hyphen between those two words since it looks perfect with out the hyphen (that's just me)
Fights a longing that cannot be satisfied This is a little confusing to what you are trying to say since what longing is trying to be satisfied? Maybe clear that up a bit to make more sense.
Old friends shun me I think -shun should be changed to -shunned since I think you want this poem to be in past tense.
All and all, I believe that all poems have a side where there are goods and there are bads, and the goods in this poem is that when you go through depression all you can think about is what will you do next or will anyone out there help you with the need you need them to.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
I was intrigued the whole way, but I didn't really get what you were trying to say. I still really liked it, so don't be discouraged. I know how it feels to drink to try to get rid of your sorrows, but it seems as if you're saying that you drink to get sorrows. It was slightly confusing. Diction in this poem was magnificent so keep that up. I didn't like that you used the same word for the end of 2 lines for the last stanza. Keep working at it though, it was really good!
You jump around to much. I either don't understand what you are saying like most of the second stanza or you reference something just to leave it and reference something else like the first. In the end it is random or incoherent. Each one liner is alone; they seem as if they were all the start of your expression-the start of your poem- the main reason you wrote something yet, it is left before you explain yourself or offer emotions, imagry ect. We go from everything in this poem that is often referenced; "dreams," "Drifting memories," "graves," "Human Shells," "The fading of a person you love," but nothing that's real, original, unique or impactful.
What are you trying to say to your readers?
Just slow down a bit
Hey there Weymouth!
Just a quick review here from me! I have to say I really do like this poem, you've got the haunted feeling to it going on here which I think is what you were trying to create! I also really like your imagery... you don't go on and on using many words for descriptions but it does create a good atmosphere. I like it a lot
I wasn't so sure about the ending of this stanza. I feel like it needed a few more lines to make it as complete as the others. I don't know what I expected, maybe something like "You'll never stop," or something in a similar notion to make it seem like this process of adding scars is continuous.
At the end in the last line you use I've and you which start to make the poem more personal because it's mentioning people in it. But you only do this at the end, which is my problem with it. The poem feels like a list in a good way: It's listing the different ways of suffering and they seem to be hanging on as a possibility to happening to anyone. But in a few places in the poem you mention 'me' which makes it feel less like it could happen to absolutely anyone and more personal. I think you should either have the whole poem being personal, which means adding more 'me's and 'I's in there so it can be relating to somebody, or have it totally distant, happening to whoever it happens to. Otherwise you get a weird mix and it makes me feel sort of unsatisfied.
I either want it to happen to me, or to anyone which still possibly includes me, but doesn't particularly. (I hope this is making sense. If not just message me in chat someday and I can try and explain again better.)
I also felt a little bit dissatisfied with the title :/ I felt like it was more of a spur of the moment thing because you couldn't think of anything that directly related to the poem. I would've liked to see a bit more thought gone into it, something clever that helps bring across a small impression of the poem itself.
Hope this helps!
Deanie x
Thank you so much! I'll work on this
yeah the title i wasnt sure about, and i could only think of titles that had nothing to do with the rest of it >.< I'll try and do a rethink
Hey, Pinkdinosaurs here to review.
Well first, wow. I love how you put this really unique poem together, because people can put words into a poem but you put heart. you have the power to really make the reader feel the pain in these words, and I felt that pain.
Great poem, keep up the work, and I hope your okay aswell..
Bye, Pinkdinosaurs x
Thanks
haha yeah don't worry i'm fine, i wrote this back in january/february time when i was quite a bit more depressed than at present >.< but i appreciate the concern