Dreaming Wide Awake

"I imagine myself talking to you
Face to face, so real."

You did everything but show us here which is disappointing. You deal to much in abstractions and could use some concrete partly technical vivid imagery. I think it will give you some much needed emotion in the poem. It would make it alive. The poem is good-thought provoking even but it is not emotional and that is such a critical part you have missed. This is great for a rough draft- you got your thought's on the page but how is this making you feel, what do you see in your dreams? Getting your thoughts onto the page is only the start of expressing yourself-

This was a good poem which I felt was quite relatable! Perhaps because it is rather vague about the other person (girl, one later finds out, of course), or because it's a situation nearly everything has gone through or will go through at some point. I agree with the other review which suggested more description, but only if you want more feeling/personalization to it. That would make it specific to the one instance and the one girl, rather than wide open and completely interpretable (is that a word?). I liked the simplicity of it, but it did lack some emotion.

Your rhyme scheme was fun to read. I suggest you could say "I can't tell you how I feel" if you don't want to use "I can't show you how I feel" (as suggested by Savvy). Either is a good choice. Although, when I think about it, "show" sounds better.

I found "And our memories will start to rot" to be extremely jilted in that stanza. I would suggest shortening it? It might give the poem a larger sense of finality and help it flow better. Just a simple "Our memories will rot" might even work, especially since the line above is divided into 2 parts by a comma. But whoever she is [pause] she won't be you - 6 syllables, 4 syllables, and then 'our memories will rot' is 6 again. It sounds nicer.

Anyway, this was a good read and a good poem! I made the mistake of immediately assuming the narrator was a girl speaking about a guy and actually enjoyed that it was a male or female speaking about a girl instead. A good reversed perspective. Great job, I hope to read more from you!

Hey Weymouth!

I enjoyed this poem and while I do like free verse, I found myself liking the rhyme you put in there. However, I think there's a few things that could make your poem even better.


First of all, I think your whole poem could be a little more descriptive. Don't hold back, just let it pour out of you. Like, what makes this girl so special to you? I really loved the feeling you put into this poem, but I think that there could be more. You have the base here; just build a little higher and wider with your descriptions. Just an example, when you say, "I imagine myself talking to you/ face to face, so real." Say something about her eyes, or the way she talks, or how you would push a strand of hair behind her ear or something, just to show the connection there once was between you.

Another thing: some of the rhyming didnt flow. The first stanza was perfectly in sync, but the second stanza was faulty. Read over that. Now I think that instead of "I can't let you know how I feel", you say, "I can't show you how I feel", which would make the whole stanza fit together a little better so that the reader isn't confused.

In the third stanza, instead of using "I would", use "I'd".

I loved the ending stanza about the memories, and the whole thing reminded me of the song "She Ain't You" by New Hollow. Sorry, I like to relate everything to songs; I'm sort of a music guru . But anyway, the poem was great. And if you don't want to change anything, I don't blame you.

Keep writing

-Savvy

Hey there Kat here to write a review for you! I'm in math class, bored.

Nice ABCB rhyme scheme qand the flow and rythm was very good throughout the poem. I alos liked how it was easily relatable to your readers (as I have many connections to what you said in your writing.) However, I felt like you could have elaborated more on how he felt and quiet frankly I thought it was from a girls prespective in the begenning so that was a little distracting. We don't know much about her or why they can't be togather or what happened so if you could elaborate on that here I think that it would really add to the poem. In the first stanza, what other things? It's just really bland and vauge. I think some literary devices could really help to make this a more enjoyable poem.Your grammar seems fine to me (but then again I've never been very good with that). However, I believe that in the first line of your last stanza I'll should be capatialized. Great job and keep it up!

~Kat