Young Writers Society

This is so amazing. Your writing...I can relate, at the least. You know how to describe things, okay? Like, so maybe other people can understand people like us. I feel like you could have added some more thought and depth into it. But other than that perfect.

Amazing. Inspiring. Keep writing.

-Kamryn

fantastic poem

I agree for the most part with Lumi, but I really think you ought to come up with a different title for this. Self harm narrative? The Blade? So expected. Let's get a little more creative there. But past that, this isn't crap. Just dark. Well written, but dark.

So in your first stanza, I see the beginnings of major potential that you didn't quite live up to. I get that you are sitting half upright against this white wall; that's all fine and dandy. You do well describing and giving me images, but they are all separate and unconnected. How about including something comparing this majestic white wall to the scarlet of the blood? Physically? Contrast of environment is something that I would really like to see more of in writing as a whole.

Second stanza. Whilst? No. Go have a talk with Shakespeare. Lumi mentioned it...that drives me up walls. There is no purpose. While is a perfectly good word. Use it. You also switch tenses in there. Should say the stream had stopped. Not has.

Next two. You use the word 'mind' in quick succession, and repetition of words like that makes for redundant reading. I'll be finished for now. Well done.

Keep on writing.

Hey hey Weymouth. Let's jam.

First and foremost, for a self-harm poem posted on YWS (in comparison), this is well-done. That said, I don't do praise. So let's get to it and cut (no pun intended) this apart.

Opening with a narrative is gold, and it is gold because it allows us to become the narrator and gives us a glimpse into their life, even if it is more or less jerked away from us seconds later. Your first three lines are decent narration, and you capture the anxiety of self-harm / suicide attempts by wristcutting well, but the fourth line undoes all of that brilliant subtlety and gets so dramatic and showboat-y that it's an instant turnoff. Give us blood on his bedsheets or falling on his shoes; give me an image that isn't contrived for self-harm. You have potential here, so don't squander it. You have to pry into your narrator's head and really grab onto the last thing he sees before passing out.

Stanza two introduces some strange archaic language (whilst) and is a major detachment from the narration of stanza one. There's nothing but thought-line here. I think you can cut "whilst my right arm betrayed my left" and miss absolutely nothing--we already have the cutting scene. Why revisit it in a dull way? Your last line misdirects the impression of the suicide attempt of the first stanza and brings it back down to just cutting and self-harm. The introduction of a friend is jarring and sloppy, and it almost makes me want a stanza that lets me get inside the mind of their friendship so I can care more about that second person. If you do that, though, be careful of the juxtaposition of concepts since there's an unstated concept called Concept Connectivity wherein all objects in a poem may be read as relative. But I think the friendship would be a nice touch.

Stanza three is another disappointment because its emotive value is very, very low compared to the standard of a self-harm narrative. I'm a fan of "A tear...into my mind," but after that, aside from the way the cut is parallel with the others, there's not much substance in this stanza. One second. I gotta get dinner out of the oven.

Okay. So if you keep the last line, 'malevolent' just makes the line dramatic and, again, showboat-y.

Stanza four feels like it would flow better if placed after stanza two (because of the natural stream of consciousness revolving around the second person/the you). Love locked away is a new concept that comes out of nowhere, so if you incorporate it, you need to smooth out its entrance. Otherwise, you have good material that can be bettered by tons.