Hi YWS. I post this depressing piece in the early hours of my 17th birthday, as I have nothing better to do seeing as the one person I actually wanted to celebrate it with couldn't make it. It is what it is, so please review and tear to pieces. Wey
Your eyes are the reason I can’t get away from you.
The shining circles of turquoise with rims of dark blue
Steal me away to another dimension where it’s all so real
again.
Once more I sense the longing, the love, and the broken scar
tissue of pain.
The iris is more intricate than weeks worth of a spider’s
webwork,
Yet it’s the closest to heaven that I’ll ever get, as in
purgatory I lurk.
I’d sacrifice my life’s entire endeavour to meet your
crystalline gaze
For just a moment, as while your soul shines clear, mine is
shrouded in haze.
My pupils dilate in hope of absorbing more of your beauty to
feed my addiction,
Yet my need to lose myself in your gaze is detrimental, as
our love is pure fiction.
It’s a one-way street from my heart to yours, and seeing as
you like to deny
That my love for you will shift worlds, the only way I can
see you happy is to lie.
I’m sick of spending every waking hour imagining you here
beside me.
I’m tired of praying to a deity I don’t believe in for you
to love me.
I was done with seeing you once a year and forcing myself
not to break down,
But those eyes imprisoned me behind these scars. And they’re
all I can see now.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Reading this poem haunted me, and in a good way.
The imagery utilized was beautiful and succinct to the point.
I needed to read this, as I feel this is one of those things that you really just can't recreate, the act of looking into someone's eyes.
I feel as if you came pretty close though.
Keep it up!
SecreteJournalist here for a review on your poem. c:
Nitpicks:
This sounded off to me. Maybe get rid of the word 'worth'? Also, add a space or hyphen between 'web' and 'work'.
Instead of 'get', I suggest the word 'be'. And also, the sudden mention of heaven confused me a little. 'as in purgatory I lurk' seemed thrown in there as well.
'endeavour' is spelled 'endeavor'. These lines puzzled me, because it goes from what he desires to what words defines this person's soul and yours. Maybe add a small transition.
Praise:
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This ending was powerful. It left the reader to feel your pain.
And as for the overall poem, the imagery and detail left my mind shell shocked. Great job!
Hope this helped a little. And again, Happy Belated Birthday!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Hello
Just passed by and say a few things!
clearly summarizes that.Firstly, I think it's good that you made a sad birthday poem. It really dripped with such emotion I could definitely feel your sorrow. I'm still sorry you had to celebrate it alone
About the structure: it was good at the beginning, though it kinda lost its tempo in the second line in the second and third stanzas. Other than that, there wasn't much error.
I'm actually writing a horror story about eyes and....
My favorite lines here were:
simply because it was so heartfelt and real
keep it up!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)