Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
The overhead light on her garage illuminates her broken face. She's a wretch sitting on the roof of her house and trying so hard to solve the world's problems. Wtf are you doing?! You'll be in so much trouble if they know. This... This is shameful. Sitting out at two seventeen am on the roof, smoking stolen cigarettes from the local store. For shame, Emily. Get a f*cking grip.
*
She pushes down the bubbling thoughts and continues watching the smoke wisps billow around her, mesmerized. She's not sure how long she's immobile. Aside from the slowed breathing, the trance isn't easily broken when a red car pulls up in the driveway of the abandoned house next door. Previous neighbors occasionally came to cut the blades of grass and clean up the inside. A dark figure steps out, and scrambles up the back door's side railing on her deck.
*
"Hey, E," he says. He says. The only he to exist.
A pause.
"You're not real."
"Does it matter if I am? I'm here, baby."
"You're a figment of my imagination. You're still in North Carolina." She doesn't try to fight.
"I came back for you. I told you I would, exactly 381 days ago. I can't stay forever, but when the move is finished I'm going to be with you again."
"Will." He looks at her, and she sees his beautifully shaded face appear calm with a hint of troubled. "I've waited so long to see you, but you're not real, right here. You couldn't love me after you find out how everything that's affected me since June 2 last year."
*
He takes a slow breath. "Princess you're mi amo. I don't care what you say - well I do care about you - but I'm staying here."
*
She sighs, and her eyes fill, the dam breaking. He puts his arm over her shoulder and they cuddle together in the pitch black night after the light finally burns out.
*
He whispers to her, as he turns into grey swirls of smoke. His half smile captivates her. As he fades away, like the lost city of Atlantis, she calls back to him, a kiss lingering on her fingers in a wave.
*
"I love you too. See you soon." The sound of a fire truck and police sirens absorb her attention.
*
He's gone. But she's found.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
To get this out of the way, yeah, this work should be rated 18+ and for language like Elizabeth said. Even if you're censoring it, it still counts as it should be 18+.
Your character Emily starts off the chapter with smoking cigarettes and is ashamed of themselves, but they don't stop? And, they've done worse than smoking in this story, so I don't know why they would be ashamed of themselves now rather than some other time. I really happen to not like your main character. She isn't edgy by smoking cigarettes or anything, she literally knows she's being stupid. She didn't smoke before, why is she doing now? Are you just trying to make her addicted to everything possible so we have more empathy for her "poor soul"? People don't have to be sad or depressed to smoke or anything, if that's what you think. They just have to be stupid.
Also, nobody thinks, "For shame" it just sounds stupid and is a TV line.
Her boyfriend really came back? And at this time while she was smoking cigarettes? It would've been better if he didn't come back, she remembered, and got upset about it. But eh, I don't really care since I don't like this story all that much anyway.
The ending was alright, I guess. Nothing too special. I don't find this very realistic as I don't think this would happen in real life.
That's all I have for this review, have a good day.
"Have a good day?"
"Have a good day?"
You have really surprised me with a line that almost is too nice for you to type. Now I could be sarcastic, but really. If you didn't like part 1 or 2, why even continue to 3 and 4? There's no sense in that other than to tear me down and offend me.
Of course Will didn't come back. He's still in fucking North Carolina nine hours away from me. Smoking cigarettes was another contribution to the story. You plainly pointed it out that you don't approve of that scene or any of it.
Again, please Do Not Contact Me Ever Again. Your apologies will do nothing to replace the offence and hurt that you've given me tonight.
I'm not going to apologize to you. And you just confirmed that this character is you, which I didn't know. I got a bit frustrated with it myself as I felt it didn't portray mental illness correctly. You're telling me "if you don't like, don't read" but I was simply critiquing the work.
Do not contact me again.
Hey there Vex15. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin. More I didn't have the chance to read any of the previous parts due to time restraints. If I make any incorrect plot guesses, please inform me of the mistake.
First off, you need to change the rating on this piece to 18+ language. You used 'fuck' and an acronym with it in the chapter which requires an 18+ rating. There is also some milder cursing so it's covered by overall. Just informing you of the need, some users get really picky about ratings.
This is such a short piece that I should probably do my comments paragraph by paragraph.
#1:
-It's great that you put her thoughts in italics. But I think you might want to separate them more. Maybe give them their own lines so they don't mix in to the rests as much.
-Well that was certainly a dark start to this which I probably would have known if I read the other chapters.
-Having the time spelled out doesn't look quite right. I think you should just type the numbers.
#2:
-I don't get the placement of mesmerized on the end of the first sentence. Either find a way to mix it in or give it a completely separate sentence.
-The part about the previous home owners doesn't really seem to add anything to the story. Maybe it changes something later on but for now it means nothing.
#3:
-Okay some serious stuff went down before. I'm not sure what but it was enough for the MC to be traumatized with old memories. Enough so that she can imagine her boyfriend(or whatever he was) talking to her.
Other ones:
-I'm just combining these since they're only a couple of lines.
-The end of the conversation is very touching but sounds strange. Like the one character is conflicted completely about what the heck he should while the other knows exactly what she's going to do. I think in this case I like that feeling.
-So the cops came after her for a pack of cigarettes? Or did she catch something on fire?
Maybe I will have to go back and read the other parts. That's about all I have for this review. Have a nice day.
Happy Review Day!
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs