Young Writers Society

Catlover,

When we engage with puzzles, we're stirring up a box brimming with thousands of little pieces, a complex mess of what's supposed to be whole and it's jumbled up in front of our fingers as we try to piece it together. Some of us desperately. Some of us with time and patience and a sense of pursuing accomplishment. I like that this is not a poem about a puzzle so much as about the gaps.

I understand that as a song or a rap, it touches upon everyday life with a wonderful flow. But as a poem, I might suggest to really dig in your heels and go deeper.

For all the lyricism here, I think there's a much darker edge to this piece with the focus not on the puzzle itself, but the missing piece of the puzzle, and the over-focus on what the puzzle lacks. The narrator has a splendid voice but the refrain is the longing, the boyfriend gone, the aching of it. The draw of it being Valentine's, the theme, the love, etc.

I think the draw should be the narrator. I like the narrator, I like her truths. I think there is a raw energy in the voice and lyricism, we get beautiful lines like "heartstrings are severed / I can be a flirt, and I can be a player" that is such a nice line! It gives us a strong voice and a personality and a sass about her.

But I personally think what is most tragic is the narrator's insistence that this missing piece of hers is some guy to "hold her". Perhaps, she will come to see the puzzle for the complex whole that it is and come to see the missing piece as proud battle scars. Perhaps she'll see through the gaps in her puzzles and come to love her grandmother's table that has held and steadied her game for the past hours. Or perhaps she sees through the gaps to the stain in the carpet from such wild a night she could only have whilst dancing to music in her room alone, but not ashamed.

The beauty of this piece is that you were able to deliver us to the emotional moment of somebody's life. This is the strength and backbone of why we kept reading.

Thanks for sharing these emotions. Where it is true, it is gold. You flow well! Where it is forced, "the dog on a muzzle" line--SOO forced, I'd recommend just axing those lines. Never sacrifice your meaning with your rhymes. Keep writing.

~ as always, Audy

I read this while listening to Relient K, 'Be My Escape', and for some reason it made this poem evoke a lot more feelings. Nice job though, Keep on Writing.

And I'm just sitting here wondering when was Valentine's Day.

It is a cool poem. The emotions are pretty genuine too. I think it's more of a solemn expression of real feelings, which makes it all so genuine, but also all more of a outlet, not really poem-y.

I don't know, I can't really relate as Valentine's isn't all that popular in my country. Everybody may know what V-day is, but it's just pretty much like any other day.

I suggest if you really feel that way then go start approaching boys. Boys are easy to fool, easy to manipulate with some trickery. Have a confident smile, look into their eyes or something. If they say no, they're going to spend some time doubting that decision- trust me- and if they base their likes solely on looks then those shallow loners don't deserve you. If they say yes, then you win.

Whoops I got carried away. Nice poem overall, though.

Hey,
I love this in rap form, because it is adorable and also powerful and sorrowful at the same time. I think it is important to realize that certain things affect certain people in certain situations differently, and valentines day is definitely one of those bigger things, good for only a lucky few. (I definitely relate) If I was having a crappy V day and heard this on the radio it would probably make me feel a little better, knowing that I'm not the only one lonely at the time. It reminds me of other hliday songs tat counter the point of the holiday, like blue Christmas, that sort of thing. sad, but heartwarming and familiar. I have to say you've made me think about writing a rap of my own because this shows that it can be about anything i'm feeling. I also like this format because I think rhythm gives writing a lot of power.
thanks for sharing!
-Penelope O.

jhv skn;s suihvba sibkamd yadgaljs uagjkncl aiuysgba mmm gotta fill up some word spaces jksbc ahcba USYVCNAS UML orsld auhvs siudvb;ls duvho aduvb aiudbvdm aiydfbjd dugihbo dughida dauigvbod aduihvo sahvodv ahsvo aiuhp hiaofvn and i really need some coins asuba aiusvbeq ahbvqe damn two hundred and fifty words is a lot more than you would think weliuf W;EUFBw IUWEG I really enjoyed writing this its just that I don't have this much to say euhfoj oudh all i can say is i loved it oihfk eiohf weoih whwe vhwuo isn't it weird ho the actual words stand out in your head against the nonsense ones? fvowi eduhgbe

It is beautiful but sad, I could hear the slow sad melody from a guitar and this would make a perfect country song, it shows why some people would have a hard time with this holiday. So hear comes the review.
Theme: The theme was easy to read because you can feel the pain in the character that you wrote about. How she or he wants the love back that they had lost a long time ago, it is a story that a lot of people have a hard time getting down. But you got it perfect, you show the picture of how you feel and most people have a hard time doing that to. You express yourself in it with more gusto then even famous writers, makes people relies the pain that people go through with love.
Character: your character is to match your personality and you have totally done that, keep up the good work with that, this is my favorite section: I can be a flirt, and I can be a player

But sure as heck I ain't no way, oh

Sick of this day and the memories

Everything changed so come back please

This day doesn't make me nervous

All I am is restless

Staying home and thinking to myself

Oh, I got no wealth

But my game's completely gone now. that is a beautiful part and the part that says All I am is restless shows that your character will never give up on love. Keep up the good work and smile when you finally find that one perfect love in your life that is waiting for you as well.

Hey Em\catty( can I call you that it sort of sounds cute to me)

So I sort of connected to this rap of yours. I myself am glad that Valentine s day is over. dont get me wrong i'm extremly happy to be single ,but You won't believe me how bored a person can get with the constant chatter of your friends love-life. Anyway I spent my v-day sitting in my room listening to Taylor and yeah studying.
The flow of your rap was quite good and I like your way of presenting it.
Guess that's all.

Never quit writing,
Fangirl ~

Hello Catlover211. I loved your poem. The message was sad because you've got no man to spend your Valentines day with; but I liked it. I can also relate to

"No makeup on and a pair of slacks

Old T-shirt and my hair pulled back

I'm eating chocolate"

That almost made me laugh cause I always do that for Valentines and I thought this was a cool way to end it. Anyway, I have some tips for you.

Flies out the window, simple and plain

My heart doesn't feel too sweet

But what saves me is the beat

Not having that grand ol' time

In fact, I feel half alive

Those thoughts of jealousy

Oh how they surround me

Knowing other people are having fun

Whereas I'm sitting here, love is done

And another piece of that puzzle

Locked up like a dog on a muzzle

Boyfriend of 1 year moved to North Caro

Took my love with him like a flying sparrow

But sure as heck I ain't no way, oh

Oh, I got no wealth

And no guy to "hold her"