May Nightmare

Hiya you! This is a very articulate poem. I felt for the young woman's experience, and I am very sorry if any of this is a reflection of your own feelings.
I just wanted to talk about the rhyming, because some of the stanzas felt really excellent. THey were like Lana Del Rey lyrics or somethign (that is always a compliment).

These stanzas are magic:


"The girl past her curfew streaming tears down her face

A gun to her head, the note in place

Night after night she tries and fails

Something's always wrong with the little details

*

Pretending not to notice when they joke about suicide

When it's on her mind every second and makes her cry

Popping pills is all she cares about

Nothing gets her like two thousand doubts

*

Living in a war zone, feeling like hell

Sure as fuck she ain't "okay"' can't you tell?

Bags under eyes and blood from her skin

The monster inside can't be contained within

*

She'll get weed if she snuggles with her ex

Then smoke it till she's high, nothing overly complex

Fake ID's and vodka make a deviant mix

Give her two Aspirin - She'll take over six

*

Getting high and smoking cigarettes

Only remind her that there's nothing left

It's all lies darling, her mind repeats

Every war you're in, you always get beat."


But then some of the other rhymes just feel a little bit forced. Sadly, the two first stanzas are guilty of this, which means the poem starts slightly shakily and throws the reader. I almost wonder if you want to start more in the middle of this with less of the background; it feels so real when you're caught up in her emotions.

Thank you for this. It spoke to a way I've felt in the past and some of those spirals of behaviour. If you'd like me to give you any more feedback just let me know

Ello hello there. I'm to review this poem. Sorry if it's too short or something, I don't like to get lengthy. So let's begin shall we?

First of all, I really liked the rhyming, you managed the word very well using the good ol' AABB. Also the topic which you took aboard is a very interesting one, overdone, but still interesting.

Other thing to note is that although you rhymed well, rhyming usually doesn't fit this kind of poetry. These works are usually better with no rhymes, for these can prohibit the writer from expressing her topic's full extent.

A thing to take consideration of is the lack of metaphors, with that in mind onebcan say that this was actually not very poetic. Metaphors are at the heart of poetry, thus if you want to do the last you'll have to use the first.

Overall it's a good piece, but the lack of metaphors and the use of rhyming in a dark mood simply doesn't fit the panorama your poem a boards.

Keep writing ~

Hello. Luata here for a review. Admittedly, it has been forever since I've reviewed anything, so you are the first from a long period of inactivity. Let me know if this is helpful or not helpful, and I will do my best to adjust. My reviews are typically broken down into sections for easier reading, just to let you know. Rewrites will be written in blue and grammar errors will be written in red.

Overall
Overall, the poem, by itself has a feeling of forced rhyme, like you chose words entirely because they fit into the rhyme scheme that you had originally planned. I'd like to see this poem without a rhyme scheme, which I think would give you a little more freedom with word choice and it could apply more meaning. I also feel as if this is a greatly overwritten topic. Whereas this is a topic most people are uncomfortable talking about it, it is one frequently written about. I'd like to recommend you taking a fresh perspective, saying this entirely objectively without allowing my emotional attachments to hinder the overall structure. I personally, understand where you are coming from with this poem, but I have read any poems, even on this website that are greatly similar.

I would tell you more of what I think on your rhyme scheme and word choice, but I think you get the overall idea. Because you are the author and I am not, take all of my suggestions with a grain of salt. If you want me to do an in-depth grammar look-over or if you want my suggestions on rewriting, let me know through a pm or a response to this review and I'll be glad to do it for you!

Fly you high
~Luata

Hi!

I'm so sorry if this is something you are going through. Just know that I can personally relate to each and every one of these stanzas, and if you need someone to talk to, I am HERE. Message me. Anything. I'll be here.

This is a very relatable poem, unfortunately, but I think you have stumbled upon something that could help other's in situation like these, a hope they can hold on to, a stanza they can clutch.

Pain is temporary, but death is forever. I read that in a book about ghost haunting a high school. It has stuck with me all these years because I don't think we can comprehend how forever death is when we are too far in and contemplating suicide. There's also a story my pastor told. His friend had swallowed a bottle of pills in a suicide attempt. They thought he had just taken something mild, and so when they got to the hospital and told the nurse, she sent them home. Said their friend would be fine, nothing worse than a tummy ache. They started the car and barely left the parking lot when the car ran out of gas. A few nurses came out to talk with the young men while they waited for someone to arrive with a gas can. The nurses got the young man to actually tell them what he had taken, and it was far worse than what was previously mentioned. He was rushed back into the hospital because the medication was slowly shutting down his liver, slowly killing him. And, here he thought he couldn't even kill himself correctly. He felt like such a failure. He is alive with the help of the nurses and a good therapist. Death would have been forever, but his heartache and failure was only temporary, with the right tools at hand, he was able to conquer life.

One last thing before I submit this review. On average ten percent of people who jump from the golden gate bridge actually survive, and a hundred percent of them say that half way through the fall they realize death isn't the answer. They became afraid and wanted to be alive. What does that say about the ninety percent who succeed in jumping?

On your actually literary piece before me, I am in love with it, and the only thing I would change is that sometimes you decide to add in punctuation, usually commas, and most of the time you don't have any punctuation. It has to be either or for the poem to run smoothly.

Thanks for the read,
~Rascalover