Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
She wakes up exactly at 4:25 a.m. Her room is lit up from the outside. Those d*mn curtains need to be room darkening. She slips back into her coma a couple minutes later. At 6:32 her head pounds and she wakes up again to find the room brighter. Her alarm's supposed to go off at exactly 8 am, since she and her brother have to do a car wash from 10 to 1 pm. It's to raise donations for their high school band.
*
Eventually her alarm sounds and she gets up. She tries to curl her newly short hair...but it doesn't turn out good, so she just brushes it off. Her mom yells at her to stop being so grumpy, so she flips her off secretly in the backseat. They arrive at the car wash. Only about ten other students even bothered to show up on a Saturday.
*
Her friend J, a girl, makes a kind-of rude comment about her hairstyle. She pushes it to the back of her mind. They only get about 15-20 cars to wash, rinse, dry and repeat. She and two friends, B (boy) and B (girl) have a water bottle soaking fight instead of holding signs up by the street. We're just roadside attractions. The fun is enough to make the trip worth it: soap on her skin, wet shirt, dripping shorts.
*
She and her brother finally get home and eat a lunch with more drinks. Haven't eaten since 8:30, and it's now 1:30 pm so that's good. Five hours without eating. As much as she hates to eat, she has to for gaining back energy and not getting dehydrated.
*
Awhile later, she texts her best friend, K. "We can have 2 people to a dorm @ Hiram College for band camp, wanna room together?"
*
A minute later, K replies: "Now Emily don't be mad but me and M (a girl) are going to room together, we had this plan for awhile so don't be mad."
*
"Shouldn't have asked then, I figured so."
*
"I'm sorry." Yeah, that's why my best friend is choosing some other h*e over me when you know that that would hurt me.
*
"I'll just find someone else," she texts back. The conversation's over. She numbly scratches at another sketch, something she does to help her express her unstable dynamic feelings. But she can't get the bruise to fade from her heart.
*
Her parents made up, again. Though she's glad for that, she hopes that there'll be no more conflict in the family for dinner or badminton. Her feet hurt from standing for three hours straight at the car wash. Her back locks every now and then - residual, longstanding back problems.
*
Ugh, my head is f*cking killing me. She turns the music down that's playing from Spotify. I'm going to cut again tonight. My friends can't even stand me. No more food after dinner. I still break my own rule, but I need to stop overeating. And my stomach's starting to hurt anyways
*
She's called down to dinner. Here we go.
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139,920 Literary Works • 672,745 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
This work should have a 18+ rating plus language because even if you put a "*" everyone will still know what you mean. You curse more in this one, so I suggest doing that as soon as possible.
In the beginning of the chapter she gets angry at the curtain and it makes me even more think you're portraying mental illness wrong. Why'd she get so mad at the curtains that she had to think about it? Was it really necessary to put that into the story? And if so, what did it add?
She goes into a coma? Because that sounds like going to sleep to me. I don't know if one of her mental illnesses has one of those effects but I HIGHLY doubt she slipped into a coma for two hours. You also say it naturally which ticks me off like it's a normal thing for her to do.
Let me make a comment: People who have mental illnesses are not their mental illnesses. If you think that's all there is to a person who has one? You're wrong. We still have interests, lives, stuff like that. It makes us struggle, but it's not all we talk or think about. We also don't think, unlike your character, "I need to stop overeating because of this MENTAL ILLNESS".
I feel like you're also using it to let your character be a jerk to everyone. It is not a good enough excuse to use that many times.
All your character does is literally whine about their mental illnesses which I'm pretty sure they haven't gone to the doctor and been diagnosed for. None of us use mental illness as an excuse to be a total jerk to the rest of the world.
You're doing this wrong.
That's all I had to say.
I see that you were displeased. In that case, I do not expect to cross paths with you again considering other reviews on my work. I rate my work based on how I see others reading it. Number two, it's very hard to achieve blissful sleep when you sleep in a dark room and then in the morning it's like a light has been turned on - by the outside. Believe me, that was a real life thing.
"Slipping into a coma" can mean two things for this girl, aka me. The first, she overdoses on drugs and sleeping pills, which it did not mention. Or the second, a figure of speech! She went back to sleeping and shutting out the world, not a literal coma. If I haven't said before, it's a natural thing for me to go into deep sleeping episodes, but I haven't had pills. Some people are different, Yams.
Whoa, now hold up. MY CHARACTER IS NOT A JERK TO EVERYONE. THIS PORTRAYS ME WITH WHITE LIES AND TRUTHS MIXED IN.
All she does is whine about her illnesses?!?!?! How about you try it?!? Huh? How about YOU get off your selfish ass and go through major depression and anxiety and panic attacks and OCD and an eating disorder and all the shit that I go through!! No, I don't take medicine and nor do I visit a doctor to confirm that I have it. It's been confirmed. I don't need my family to set up a worthless doctor appointment to make me feel all pitiful and whiny about what is wrong with her mental state.
You're judging me wrong. And I don't even know you.
That's not all I have to say. I could go on and on for a hour about this damn shit you decided to write and let me know. Thank you very much for adding disappointment to my life.
Oh, thanks. I actually felt like I had a right to review this as I have bipolar depression and general anxiety disorder.
Do not contact me again.
Read your wall post before this, I'm sorry for that. I won't and I don't plan to.
Hi there! Interesting story.
Ok now I'll get to the fix ups.
1) You have a few sentences that are a little long.
My solution would be:
She numbly scratches at another sketch. This is something she does to help her express her unstable dynamic feelings.
2)You have a few grammar related mistakes.
I think that alarm's should be changed into "her alarm is". Also, it sounds better if you said "8 am since." and removing the comma completely.
Other then these minor things, the story is interesting and written differentently. I liked it and look forward to reading more later.
Peace,
M