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Dear mama...

by VegasLights



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Sun Nov 26, 2017 4:07 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Here cometh LittleLee for a review!
My mother never said these sort of things to me, except one or two times maybe, so I don't really relate to what you are trying to express. However, I know it to be very true, as many of my friends have suffered from parents even worse. I really like the poem, because whenever someone writes about parents, it's about how very awesome they are. A change like this may not be all that pleasant, but it definitely is necessary. I also think it's very brave of you to write so courageously about parents like this. It doesn't matter even if you may not mean your own mother, the poem remains true and beautiful at heart.
I would love to hear more work like this from you... this is one of the saddest but most true poems I have EVER read.




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Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:33 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing. You very effectively communicate the pain and frustration that the speaker feels when being treated that way. 'The questions you ask have been asked countless times during human history by millions of children who can't understand how a parent can treat their own flesh and blood in such inhumane ways. That includes me. I could never understand how my father could be so indifferent and abusive. He was also critical of my physical appearance because I didn't resemble him. Criticizing a child's physical appearance is inexcusable. So I definitely do sympathize with the emotions you express.

However, here we have a mother name-calling instead of offering loving advice on how her daughter should not be a bitch. But here we also have a daughter who admits she is a bitch but refuses to change. So as they say, it takes two to tango and in this case mother and daughter are both contributing to the dance.




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Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:17 am
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thetalentedsloth wrote a review...



I liked how I learned a lot about either you or the character the poem talks about through four short stanzas. Being able to convey a lot with a little shows an understanding of poetry and writing in general, and the impact of being concise. I'm glad you're turning something that's hurting you (or if not you, a sad subject) into art. Keep writing! I really liked this!!




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Sun Nov 05, 2017 12:56 pm
Amethyst101 wrote a review...



Hi, just sweeping in for a review.

First off, I want to tell you that I understand what you are going through by what was written in the poem, and reading it struck a chord in me that felt intense.

Working with grammar and syntax, you forgot two question marks in the last stanza. Aside from that, your flow is amaze-balls.

I hope that things get better for you and I want you to know that you are not alone. I truly appreciate you pouring your heart out in this poem and know that this is how you can heal your scars, through your passions.

Thank You.




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Sat Nov 04, 2017 6:08 pm
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PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, VegasLights. Pastel here for a hopefully helpful review and some comments and opinions!

I won't say much on ways to improve this format and flow wise because this poem is very personal, and I choose not to talk about that in poems like these because this comes from the heart, so I'll just talk about what I'm good at, praise and opinions!

I'd firstly like to say that this poem is something that I can relate to, except it's from my step-father instead of a mother. He's not home a lot because he's a truck driver, but when he is, he drinks and yells and got physical on one occasion.

Anyways, I feel writing out your feelings in the format of a poem lets others that they're not alone because of many types of people, I included, read and enjoy poems. I can't tell if it's anger or sadness, but you got your point across very well - someone saying bad things about you is something, but when someone that is supposed to love and care for you is doing it as well? It can be very overwhelming, and well, sad and angering. I can totally see where you're coming from here, and if you need to talk about this, my message box is always open.

Goodbye, and happy writing and reviewing!
-- Pastel




VegasLights says...


If you ever need to talk about your step-father or just anything you can message me too <3



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Sat Nov 04, 2017 3:13 am
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Leo says...



Hehe. I like it.

I'm not good with "flow" and that kind of thing so I can't tell you anything about the structure of the poem itself. However, it's the content that gets me. I'm not sure whether it's bitterness, or sadness, or even both, but the point of the poem is clear. When everybody else says negative stuff about you, it's bad enough. But when that person who is supposed to love you unconditionally says the same kind of things to you, it hurts much more. When the only person obligated to love you wounds you so deeply, what are you supposed to think? How are you supposed to feel? Sad, angry, disappointed, hopeless, etc. All kind of dark emotions triggered by the liar that told you that you mean so much to them, only to turn everything around and walk all over that. It's the type of thing I like to read about.

Of course, I don't know about any of that. Mom doesn't treat me that way and I only have my imagination to guide me, but I like it.




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Sat Nov 04, 2017 1:45 am
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noelani2004 wrote a review...



Hey, my name is Noelani, and I hope you don't find this review to be offensive. Well to go ahead and tell you the bads news first you have a little bit of a flow error. I mean I understand why you wrote it, to explain your emotions about your mother, but it kinda does pull together like I thought it would at the end. Vegas lights you're not the only one who feels this way. My mother does the same thing, but it's aways good to forgive and just know that they really do love you it's just they may be going through alot right now, and they don't know how to express their love to you. With this said you are a wonderful writer. I love your voice, style of writing, and hope you continue writing.:)




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Fri Nov 03, 2017 7:34 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello soundofmind! This is Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review! This is in a different format because SOMEONE **cough cough** @Sheytato **cough cough** challenged me to do a different reviewing format per week. So let's get started!!

First Impressions/Interpretation:

This is a very bitter poem about your mother, obviously, and it comes from the heart. I just want to say that I agree with Rosella in that I know how you feel - except it's about a friend and not a parent :P - and I just want to say if you ever need to talk, my message box is always open :D

Grammar and punctuation:

Here's a nitpick --

Dear mama,


I would change the comma to an em dash.

Flow:

There was only one part where I thought the flow was weird, and only because it's my style:

The names you say may be true,
But it hurts far worse to hear it from you


It rhymes, which doesn't match with the rest of the poem, disrupting the poem a little bit. I would stray away from rhyming words in lyrical poetry. See "Word Choice."

Originality:

Since this is very personal, so talking about originality is a very hard topic. Yes, deep and personal poems are most definitely nothing new, but I can't really talk about originality when it comes from your heart this much.

Word Choice:

Like I talked typed about in "Flow," there was only one spot where I thought that it was weird --

The names you say may be true
But it hurts far worse to hear it from you


Since there aren't many synonyms for "you" that would work in this piece, I would experiment with the word choices with "true." Look up synonyms and see what would fit best for you.

Overall:

Overall, I really liked! Definitely one of your better poems that I have read :D keep up the great work!

On a side note I just read my review on "Wonderland" and WOAH I HAVE COME A LONG WAY

Rating:

8.5/10! I would change up some of the rhyming/lyrical mistakes in there and I'm sure that you could tweak with the wording a little bit to make it better :D

Give me your soul --

Kara

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Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:56 am
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Rosella says...



Hey VegasLights! I'm not here to review, but more to give my opinion truly. On this piece, I read it and though "I know exactly how this person feels". My mom left me years ago, but when she was in my life, she would call my sister those things right in front of me, and that would send me crying and into tears. I actually wrote a poem which had the same "dear mom" type of format. Anyways, I know how the narrator feels in this. Parents aren't always the best sometimes and I think writing that in poetry is a beautiful thing because it lets others know that they aren't alone. When I read this, I didn't only feel sympathy for the narrator, but a connection almost. Parenthood is supposed to be a beautiful thing and it hurts when our parents don't treat us with the beauty it is supposed to be. This is really well written and it sends a strong message and story behind the narrators feelings. So good job!





Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt