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Dark Paradise

by VegasLights



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Sun Apr 30, 2017 11:45 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hello,

I'll just be leaving a few thoughts here on your poem.

Just a few suggestions, I think this poem could use a little more specificity because we don't really know anything about the speaker's relationship with the other person - how they look, what they do, why they like each other etc. At this point the relationship aspect of the poem is very surface deep. I like the metaphor of Paradise that continues through out the piece, and the bits of imagery you had here and there though. I think the first line is a little weak, just because the reader has no idea what "that song" is referencing, so it's like saying "hey look over there" and then never revealing what's "over there". So I think if you could put some insight into that, it would also improve the piece.

Overall, the language was simple but direct which was nice and consistent overall. You did a nice job editing for grammar and spelling mistakes as I didn't really see anything that jumped out as being distracting.

Nice work! And best of luck in your future writing!

~alliyah




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 12:10 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I see that this is based off a song, one that I have not heard before. I'm going to go ahead and judge this individually, meaning I won't listen to the song and only critique based off what you have here. Nonetheless, let's jump right into the review. I can see that in the first line, you presumably reference the song that this is based off. I'm a little confused as to why you capitalize each and every line. It's a stylistic choice, sure, but I don't see how it makes the poem any stronger or better.

The first stanza doesn't particularly draw me in, and rather it's a little general, and that statement can go for the whole poem. The last line of the first stanza is broken up by periods with "I. Love. You." and it doesn't add anything new to the piece either. You seem to focus on the little aspects of capitalization and punctuation, but to me, that's an addition to the poem. I want the poem to go more into detail about this dark paradise.

Why is it a dark one? Is it because it is a dream? I'd like to hear more about that, since it is the title of the piece. The last three lines of the piece don't flow well together. There's a build up, but it doesn't go anywhere. There's a lack of imagery and other poetic devices in the piece that I find a little concerning.

Instead, there are bare bones and a focus on a theme that has a lot of broad values throughout. Happiness. Darkness. Together. Paradise. Are there any other words that you could be using here? Of course! Synonyms exist for a reason, and I suggest spicing things up with them. Bliss. Gloaming. Jointly. Ecstasy. You don't have to use the same words over and over, and using synonyms will give you a stronger word choice once you learn which words fit together. As for imagery, describe this dark paradise to us more. Go from there and expand with sensory details, your five senses.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Sat Apr 29, 2017 2:02 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Greetings, Knight VegasLights! Knight Ink is here to review your poem (or is it a script?). I actually like this better than "Silence kills more than Curiosity".

I haven't heard the song you were talking about, but I can see the message clear as glass (excuse the cliche here please :D). It's as if someone's being nice on the outside but really really poisonous. I'm sensing a bit of an unhealthy relationship? I also love the way you start by mentioning the song, but I would have liked to have seen it as an undercurrent through the whole poem perhaps; since you based the poem on it? Or perhaps not, I'm not sure myself ;)

The meaning "dark paradise" is somewhat abstract and I'm not so sure whether it should be more specific or not. One side of me thinks it's great because it's open for interpretation, but the other side thinks it's too ambiguous. Overall, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps a tad more imagery about the dark paradise would be great. I like a certain amount of open interpretation in a poem, but some more elaboration here would be nice.

Another thing I want to point out is the flow. It's a bit jerky. For example,

As I wait for you,
To make me smile


You see? The transition between the lines is rather abrupt in my opinion and I would have liked some smoother flow here (it takes me a looong time to decide where to put line breaks, for example and where to end sentences). This discussion may be interesting. It was certainly fun for me to read!

The last line fascinated me. It's as if the "you" is really obsessed with themselves. I feel the image is like the speaker woke up at night from a dream and leans over to whomever their bedmate for comfort and the bedmate sleeps obliviously on.

Well, I believe that's all I've got to say. now I must saddle my horse and search the Green Room for more works to save!

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VegasLights says...


It is supposed to be a poem, sorry I did this when I was really tired



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Sat Apr 29, 2017 12:32 am
SnowGhost says...



Nice!





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— Bill Nye