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The Eternal Resident

by VegasLights



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57 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 57

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Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:15 pm
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Storybraniac wrote a review...



Stor here! This is a really interesting piece. In a good way. I'm really into poetry that follows a different format of what you would usually expect from a poem. The theme of the poem itself really grabbed me. It gives the impression the the child is self aware, like he/she sees all that is happening around them and can't stand it. I usually judge a poem based on the beginning itself. If it doesn't grab me, then I'm pretty sure the rest of the poem won't. This poem has a really great opening. The first few lines are probably my favourite. Introducing the sister into the picture makes me think that the child is not alone in his/her thoughts. Someone else feels the same way as the sister tries to protect them from whatever this outside danger is.

There is one interesting line.
"And I can't bare it'
No lube you meant it as I can't 'bear' it. But it does sound more poetic if you use the word bare, if you're trying to mean you can't bate the salty taste off of your skin. I like to think that you intended that.

Of course. Like a good ending, I like when poems have an impactful ending. I loved the formatting and introducing this danger as a permanent aspect of the writer's life. And again, formatting it in this way adds a nice effect.

The metaphor of the eternal resident is really clever. I really like that. Using it as a title is a plus point. It's definitely something that will draw people's attention.

"That a child shouldn't hear"

That is another favorite line of mine. It seems like you're tacking currrent affairs from the point of view of a child, and I like when poems do that.

I realized you're 14. It's nice to see another fellow young poet. I'm an amateur myself. Really impressed with this poem and would love to read more of your works in the future. Hope to see you around.

-Stor




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1104 Reviews


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Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:27 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there VegasLights! Niteowl here to review this poem.

Overall, I think you have some good images in this and a strong theme of a child living in a troubled environment. The first stanza sets up the scene well, and then we dive into the speaker's emotions before realizing this fighting they're hiding from is so common it's stuck in their brain.

First general comment: I am not usually a fan of people posting their poems as images. It makes it harder to review because you can't copy-paste lines. Also the different fonts can be distracting. I do think it's okay if the poem has an unusual structure like this one, but I'm also not sure if it's necessary for this poem (more on this later).

So now let's dive in! I'll go stanza by stanza.

First stanza: The imagery here is solid, but I think the line breaks could be stronger. Usually I try to end lines on strong words rather than weak words (like "as" or "in") because the reader remembers the ending words the most.

Second stanza: This isn't as strong, but I feel like it's hard to describe crying without sounding cliche. I like "my crystal tears" and bringing in the sense of taste. Also, "bare' should be "bear" (maybe picture a bear grinning like the phrase "grin and bear it?" :P).

Third stanza: Pretty good. Perhaps could go into detail about what the voices are saying and such, but it also works as is.

Fourth stanza: "It is burned in my brain" is kind of a boring line. I'm not sure it qualifies as cliche, but I feel like I've heard it before. The actual idea of the voices now being an eternal resident in the speaker's mind is interesting, but I feel like it could be expanded upon. I'm also not sure about the stairway of the world "eternal". Of course poets can and do play with structure, but I try to look for a reason when they do something unusual. In this case, I'm not seeing it, so I suggest letting the idea speak for itself and expanding on the resident of the mind metaphor.

Overall, I think you have a powerful piece here. Keep writing! :D





I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25