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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I think this is very deep and effective. I like the effect used at the end of the third stanza. However, if you are going to use a rhyming pattern, you should try to make it more regular, because it would help the flow of the poem. As well as this, I think you should also watch how many words you put in the stanza, because adding too little words can often ruin the flow of the poem, as seen in the second line of the fourth stanza. And since the name of the poem is 'The Wilting Rose', you could've made the girl have a colour hair that would correspond to a rose, like red or blonde (yellow). Overall, I think this poem is really emotional and very good, but you could add some implicit messages to make the poem better.
Hey Vegas,
So there is a lot to like about this piece, definitely a stronger use of imagery. We see a girl transform from pretty to lifeless, the comparison described as that of a wilted rose.
The only suggestion here is to add some context to the conflict so that as a reader, other than understanding how a girl can be compared to a wilting rose after "she stopped eating", I don't really care that much about this girl.
We can surmise all sorts of conclusion as to why the girl got to where she is- insecurity, illness, tragedy but we don't know for sure. If she stopped eating because she felt insecure about her beauty, my reaction would be different than her choosing to stop eating because she was so distressed over a death in the family for example. Context matters...
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Heya VegasLights! Saru here to review your poem!
Your title, "The Wilted Rose" and the comparison to the rose in the end matched up, but the first two paragraphs compared the girl to the ocean and a chestnut and a pearl, which didn't exactly line up for me.
I absolutely love this, but I think it would have more effect if, say, the entire last line slowly faded out from black.
I think it was obvious that if she were doing what we see her doing, that it would show on the outside, so maybe replace 'but' with 'and'.
I really had to dig deep to find anything imperfect at all in this poem. This was really moving. Keep up the great poetry-writing!
Hey, SarukaTheHuman! I did what you said because that made a lot more sense to me. I was wondering if you could look at it to see if everything looks good now. Bye!
Yup, that's great! Keep up the great work!
This is soooooo sad, but so true to many of us! You should add a hint of what happened to make her slowly fade away. You should also add her something about her hair loosing it's beautifulness, like, say her hair faded into a light gray, it soon smelled of dust, as she was slowly starting to turn into. You should also say how she was a cheerful girl who started to turn shy and rude, like, not only did her appearance change, but so was her attitude.
Hello, Steam... I mean, VegasLights! With3r3dros3 here for a review.
I love the idea of the poem. I think having a rose as a symbol of a girl is PERFECT.
I, personally like this name because... you know, roses, and withered roses.
The actual review starts here:
Now, I know I'm your best friend in real life, but I have a lot to say about this poem. First off, I don't know if this is a me thing or if anybody else is like this, but I can't stand it when people leave commas at the end of the last line before continuing on to the next - did that make since? For example:
"Whose lips were lush and full,
Her eyes were ocean blue"
I honestly feel like it kind of takes the emotion away from the poem more if you leave a comma at the end of a line.
I think changing the line "But she didn't have a clue," could be changed to "But she had no clue" so the poem flows along more nicely.
I love how you italicized the word faded in the last line of the third stanza. It enhances the feeling that she's s l o w l y dying.
In the fourth stanza, I don't think you really had to add the line "And scratchy," because we can kind of conclude ourselves that they're scratchy because you mentioned earlier they were chapped. Maybe say something like her lips were turning pale or something similar like that.
As far as all of that goes, I love the poem a lot and I don't see anything else to change. No grammar mistakes. No spelling mistakes. Everything looks perfect.
Now buddy, I know this was a lot. Sorry if it was too much. Gotta be honest with this kind heart.
Oh one more thing... can you change the title to "The Withering Rose"??
Just kidding!! It's perfect as it is.
Well, I think I'm done with this review. Keep writing and best of wishes!!!
xo. With3r3dros3
P.S. The way you ended this poem is amazing!! As always, the end of you're poems always give me goosebumps - in the good way!! Maybe we can both write a poem or story sometime together.... okay I'll leave now.
Thanks, I will alter the mistakes later. Also, we do need to write a poem.
Was that helpful?
ya...
That's good to hear!
I am keeping my comma's though. Because it is a description of the mouth then the eyes, so different things. And, the comma is there to say "and" in a way without saying it.
kk
I updated it but you probably can't tell
I like it