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by VegasLights

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Points: 1150
Reviews: 15

Thu Apr 20, 2017 10:13 pm
With3r3dros3 wrote a review...

Hello!!! This is With3r3dros3 here for a review.

So first off, steam1244, I LOVE THE FONT YOU CHOSE. Cherry cream soda is my favorite font out of all of the other fonts! And also, I know you posted this almost a week ago, sorry for being kind of late. :(

The actual review starts here:

Your poem is pretty good OVERALL, but I have a strong belief that there's a deeper or different meaning behind this poem, which makes me want to know it. Yes, I did get the message that he/she chose to take their own life but I would absolutely LOVE to know why they did. Okay I'm sorry, that sounded a little weird... but the poem is so amazing I would love to know more about the main character. I love how you ended the poem, telling us where they ended up. You wanna know what I love more than that? I love that you didn't say they ended up in Heaven or Hell, but Wonderland. I also love how you were very descriptive about everything like the white pills and what they tasted like.

I see no grammar issues or spelling issues, which is great!!

I honestly have no complaints and nothing else to say except keep up the awesome work, I love your poems so much, and best of wishes!!

Keep up the amazing work! :D

xo. With3r3dros3

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364 Reviews

Points: 16380
Reviews: 364

Sat Apr 15, 2017 6:06 pm
zaminami wrote a review...

Hello, steam1244 (fellow Star Wars nerd)! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

So I'm not the best at reviewing poetry... just warning you.

So first of all that font, to me, is a little hard to read. I can't tell where the punctuation is and stuff, and even if the commas are periods and stuff. You did this on Google Docs for this, right? (I recognize the font... I think it's Architect's Daughter). Even I use this font sometimes, but It's kinda hard to read. Maybe change it to make it easier to read? If you want a handwriting font I suggest "Cherry Cream Soda" or "Sofia".

So I like dark things, which this poem is certainly about. My only suggestion here is to maybe make a sequel for this to tell why the antagonist killed him or herself? Or maybe drop a hint in there that's kind of obvious? I don't know... You're the author.

This was a very good poem and you could probably go very far with this. No grammar issues that I see, so you're off the hook for that.

Keep writing!--

Kara Stevens

VegasLights says...

Hey, KaraStevens (also fellow star wars nerd)! I thought this was very helpful, thank you for that! I changed the font to "Cherry Cream Soda" I believe. So I was wondering if you could take a look and see if it is good or not now.

Best of luck,

zaminami says...

Yep! I can read it now.

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737 Reviews

Points: 10858
Reviews: 737

Sat Apr 15, 2017 5:11 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there steam1244 and a somewhat late welcome to YWS! It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I don't really have much to say here because this poem is rather short and straightforward. I quite like that quality about that because I usually don't find that aspect in poetry very often. I mean it's a rather sad topic to talk about with the mystical ending but it's entertaining all the same to the reader.

I do like the slight imagery that you included, some things that I think people always associate with this type of things. (you are talking about drugs right, because i don't see a way that you couldn't be talking about drugs) I think the best way to describe my opinions on the whole thing, is that you're showing a different perspective to the whole thing. It's almost like the comparisons of wonderland and sugar highs, are lightening the air around the general subject.

The flow of lines doesn't really seem to drag at any places except for a short moment in between stanza one and stanza two. The transitions here always seem to be a bit choppy in no matter what I'm reading so I'll just chock it up to standard things.

But have the effects of an all-time high

This line and its length and its description really seemed to stick out out to me more than any of the other lines. I think it was just the difference in length that caught me eye at first and then the actual content brought in my attention even further. This seemed like a fairly good way to skip into the next part but the difference in length brings about the choppiness I mentioned earlier. It's like when you're trying a shift a gear stick and you're gonna down a bit too quick. (yeah i've been working on my hour lately, can't you tell) Anyways just thought I'd bring up that side of my opinions to things.

Alright I'm actually going to be heading out now.
Good day and good luck.
The Queen of the Book Clubs

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Sat Apr 15, 2017 5:04 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here for a review!

So I can see that you've based this piece off what I assume to be Alice in Wonderland and the concept that comes with that. It's not an unpopular or popular theme in poetry, but you make it new enough for it to be or have its own sense of originality. Something odd that I found about the poem is that you choose to capitalize the beginning of every line, which is your stylistic choice, but it's a little odd for you to do that since I don't really see how the piece necessarily benefits from it? Just an observation I had.

I have a bit of a complaint with the font that you happen to use for this piece, and while it adds some character, the punctuation is hard to decipher what's what and could most likely confuse readers who have vision problems (like me) and you don't want that to happen. I suggest finding a similar font that doesn't have the problem of having small punctuation, because you don't want readers misreading your poem just due to the font you used.

Delving further into the content, we can see that this somewhat takes on the idea of drug use, and to be honest, it even romanticizes it. It tells the reader that it's almost okay to do drugs because you don't give us anything that contradicts that, like going into the speaker of the poem and sort of explaining through that why what they did was wrong or not desirable.

Perhaps telling it from another perspective or with a different speaker would clear this up because I'm pretty sure you didn't intend the message to come off as 'do drugs and you'll be in your own Wonderland' but that's just what ended up happening here. You don't give the speaker a sense of hesitation or remorse about this, and that's where you need to be careful with how you write it. The imagery isn't bad, but it's hard to ignore the themes you support with this piece, or at least how it comes off to support. Play around with it and experiment a little more and try to make it not such a romantic depiction of drugs by maybe having the speaker show remorse for their actions or guilt. Something.

Best wishes,

VegasLights says...

Hey Kayla!

I just wanted to say thank you for the help you have given me through this review. But this was actually about a person who was depressed and finally had enough of the world she lived in, so she took her own life and left this place and went to "Wonderland". It is not based off of Alice in Wonderland. (This is supposed to be said in a nice voice, I do not mean to sound harsh, if I do). Sorry if it sounds like the character is romanticizing drugs.


Kaylaa says...

Yeah, I totally get that you didn't intend to romanticize that type of thing, and yeah, I figured that much but you never hinted that in the poem so the most the reader can do is assume or look at the context clues. And yeah, I sort of realized it wasn't based off Alice in Wonderland. Thanks for replying, though!

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9 Reviews

Points: 20
Reviews: 9

Sat Apr 15, 2017 4:51 am
K1553 wrote a review...

Hi! This is a really interesting piece. I like the way you were indirect ("all-time high"). The imagery was detailed and realistic. Also, the speaker sounds every so slightly distant and detached, the way somebody in that situation would be, and that adds to the realism. And even though it is free from, it still feels like it has a poetic rhythm, which is a hard skill to perfect (so kudos).
Some criticism: I think that it might be useful to add some punctuation. For example, a comma on line two, a period on line three, and a dash or semicolon on line seven.
It depends on what your personal style is and what message you're trying to convey, but I think it might be interesting if in the future you made your writing longer and explored the idea, setting, emotions, etc. more, while using the same literary devices and writing techniques. That's just what I like to do, anyway, but I thought you might enjoy it.
All in all, this is an amazing poem and I truly enjoyed it. Keep writing. :)

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43 Reviews

Points: 9
Reviews: 43

Sat Apr 15, 2017 4:06 am
Ejay1806 says...

Hey there!
Ejay here for a quick review.
Although your poem talks about taking one's own life ( something I am not very fond of) , I can't help but admit that the way in which your poem has written overshadows it completely.
It's well written, like a secret message in the bottle.

"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984