Author's note: Sorry that it is in all bold, but the style I was typing in was hard to read (It was too tiny). So, when I made it bold it was a lot easier to read.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey there Kat here for a review of your lovely piece.
Basically, I don't see any issues here. Aside from a slight issue I personally have with the flow of the piece, it was really nice. I feel like you should have either stuck with the choppy stanza structure you started in the beginning or kept on with the fluidity you introduced in some of your latter stanzas. Also, I would prefer more showing and less telling as it draws from your point and the powerful emotions you are trying to convey. If you make me feel the heartbreak rather than telling me you feel heartbroken it becomes far less cliche and much more impactful. These are just ideas to keep in mind for your future pieces because, like I said, this was pretty good. I do understand what you meant by it's just missing a certain something that is disconnecting you from your audience so try my suggestions and feel free to message me directly for more help. I have been on here awhile and seen a lot of work and I love poetry, especially romantic/tragic poems. I really adored your comparison between a break up and a death because when you really love someone and it's severed, you feel like they are dead. When you see them again you wanna hug and joke around but you know you can't so you're just awkwardly quiet for awhile and it eats away at you.
Thanks for sharing!
Very good job!
Hi, VegasLights! Becca here for a review.
I really enjoyed reading this piece. As someone who is recently coming out of a break-up, I definitely identify with the emotions you showed here.
I agree, a break-up can sometimes feel like you're losing someone to death because they disappear from your life. I love how you turn that on its head, though, and explain how a break-up is also different from death because they are still there. I also love how you write, "you can hear their laughter,/but it isn't for you anymore." It's so true, life goes on, they keep laughing, but it has nothing to do with you. You bring this home further by saying "there is no more talking/at midnight or even in general," referencing the staying up talking until midnight in the earlier stanza.
You end the poem with a final comparison, that both death and break-ups leave you with emptiness. I thought this was a really interesting piece, it kind of reminded me of a compare and contrast essay from school. What if this piece turned into one of those? That might be an interesting exercise. Hope to read more of your writing!
Thanks!