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what i never said...

by VegasLights


There is an audio recording at the bottom of the page. When you open it, right click on it and press "Open in new tab" or else it will take over the YWS tab. Sorry...

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1CGDdsduBnC

 This is a recording of the poem. Sorry, it sounds pretty bad, but in my defense, I was really tired.

Author's note: I am pretty sure that the flow is off, so if you had any suggestions that would be greatly appreciated. 


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Thu May 11, 2017 9:18 pm
With3r3dros3 wrote a review...



Hello, VegasLights!! With3r3dros3 here for a review!!

My dear friend, you have done it again... you have written an absolutely beautiful poem that everyone in the world should read!! As always, I fall in love with your poems and I still find them very relatable!

Okay enough chatting, let's get to the actual review:
I love the flow of the poem and how it starts off with "i [something something]". Another thing I love is it's all lowercase characters. Usually, most works that have lowercase characters kind of bother me. With your poem, I think it fits perfectly!

As far as that goes, I do think you could've added just a little bit more detail. I do feel the strong emotion in this poem, but I'd LOVE more detail!

And of course, I love the ending of this poem. I think italicizing "perfect strangers" was a PERFECT idea!

Now let's talk about the read aloud. I don't really have anything to say other then it's cool and you're speaking very clearly. I really enjoyed the read aloud.

Well, I think this is the end of my review. As always, keep writing and best of luck!! :D

xo. With3r3dros3




Saruka says...


one more question for you ros3
was this poem

liT


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With3r3dros3 says...


Oh you know it ;)



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Thu May 11, 2017 4:50 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
I love the way this poem is written and read. I think that it needed to be read out loud because of the emotional impact within the poem. The wording is perfect, and it seems like there is a story behind it like you actually experienced something like this.
This is a very good, very well written, and emotional poem. You could easily add some more detail and make this a great written poem, but as it stands now this seems like a better spoken poem.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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Thu May 11, 2017 4:09 pm
Daniel14 says...



Daniel14 here for the review

Its really a lovely poem. The word you have used somewhere highlights some personal experience i would say. This poem of yours reminds me some of my past... Well i would just say its a very well written poem.




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Thu May 11, 2017 3:29 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I love how you read it and the structure it has in written form. It sounds like you really experienced something like this, and the wording is perfect (in my opinion).

This poem seems like it needs to be read and not really written because of the fact the written one is lacking imagery. This poem is very emotional, which means the impact of your voice is what makes this poem work together.

Overall, this is a good SPOKEN poem. If you want to keep it written, then add some other poetic elements such as imagery. Legacy.




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Thu May 11, 2017 1:30 pm
lolosboing wrote a review...



I love how you put so much longing and regret into the poem to power it up! One thing I would suggest is maybe be a bit less repetitive. Also, I know it shouldn't be much of a big deal, but it would be great if you could have the right capitalisation too! I really liked how you ended with "Perfect Strangers" and made the poem so clear and easy to understand. I really liked your poem and I'm looking forward to reading a lot more of your writing!




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Thu May 11, 2017 11:59 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I won't be going much off of the reading that you've done since it's a little hard to hear, but if you want more advice regarding that, I'm happy to share. Your voice is a little quiet or soft, though I'm not sure if that's just your mic or not. Your flow in the case of you reading the piece actually isn't all that bad, though on paper it's a little hard to find the rhythm that you intended even if the structure is a basic 4x5, or four lines and five stanzas.

I do believe that this works stronger as it is now, as spoken word. The reason as to why I believe this is the fact that there's not as much usage of poetic devices and instead there's a focus on pure emotional weight behind the lines. It focuses more on the delivery of the poem rather than the actual content.

You might be mistaking the flow for the structure in this case since sometimes you start a stanza off with 'i never' and then 'i wish' or 'i always'. For the former two, you use them twice, so I believe that it'd make sense if you decided to have one repetition in the first and last stanza, and then the other in the second and fourth, saving 'i always' for the middle. Though, admittedly that's just looking at it from the perspective of the structure. If you want this to be less of a spoken word poem and more of a poem that's just a free verse, then I suggest that you add more poetic devices and element into the mix.

There's a lack of imagery, and it's a little odd because you have so many potential chances to expand on your descriptions, though you decide not to. The ocean eyes, a shattered heart, give us sensory detail on those images. I want some sort of similar theme throughout these ideas and images that you already have here. Some other form of substance to these lines I believe would help overall to get your message across.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day.

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