Hey Cat,
I enjoyed reading this piece - and although I believe this was from NaPo this year? I wanted to say that I appreciate how your poetry is pretty diverse in the themes that it covers - that's something I personally struggle with is not just writing the same poem again and again and again, but you seem to do quite well diving into a host of different themes, and moods, and tones, and I think that's a good think to do as your developing your poetic voice and also just exploring poetry - because writing about different topics and themes makes you continually have to search for new images and metaphors and ways of speaking. Anyways let's get to the reviewing!
Quick grammar mistake:
"i have to much doubt, hesitation" <- I like the comma and word placement of hesitation, because it makes the reader pause/hesitate before jumping to the next line because it's at the end and separated with the comma. "to" should be "too".
That was pretty much the only little grammar thing that I saw. And I think the lowercased letters are perfect for a poem about permanence and lacking self-confidence.
Now as far as content - I interpreted the poem to be an extended metaphor about a speaker who is afraid to go "all in" in life - or to make hard and fast decisions, because they're afraid of making permanent mistakes, so they reflect on this metaphor of how they always write in pencil rather than pens.
I like the metaphor, it works well - and you've got some nice imagery to go with the picture. One issue I had is that the whole poem seemed to be building up this metaphor of "pencil>pen" for 6 stanzas, and then we only got 1 stanza (# 5) that actually uncovers the metaphor and makes the connection to reality.
The issue I have is that the other stanza's imagery don't seem to have much connection to the uncovered metaphor. Like they're nice images, but if this is all a metaphor they don't end up saying much... for instance what could 'cheap white paint' be a symbol of? smooth ink, and scribbling have the same issue. Describing the process of writing in a way that could connect more or have parallels to actual life and lack of commitment I think would make the poem stronger, and also make the other stanzas more satisfying.
Here's sort of an example of what I mean:
That was about all the feedback I have for this piece! I think the only other comment I'd make is that the poem would look a bit more polished if the stanzas were even - but they weren't drastically different, so I'm not sure it makes too much of an impact.
Hope to see more of your poems soon! (And as always let me know if something in my review didn't make sense, or you wanted more feedback on something I didn't address)
- alliyah
Points: 144525
Reviews: 1227
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