consequences

Hi!
Im going to start by saying that one thing I really like about this poem is that it defines 'consequences' as an object rather than the typical connotation of the word. It is something all of us grow up fearing, rather than understanding, sort of like " if you don't go to bed early a group of mammoths will play volleyball with you". That is what this poem does well, it personifies consequences which is something that resonates with everyone. I also like how it addresses, and questions most parenting and schooling approaches, i. e. are punishments really teaching a child something, or are they just teaching them to fear that thing called 'consequences'. So well done with that!


Next, lets come to the structure :
One major problem here is punctuation. You need to revise punctuation and add rhythm to the poem, otherwise its just a broken up piece of prose writing. Make the pauses such that they not only add rhythm to the peom, but also compliment its meaning. To understand thet better I would suggest you to read "A blanket of silence' by itsmejr which in my opinion is a good example of structure resonationg with idea (read my review on it if you want an explanation).
I would suggest going through some punctuation ideas and basics in poetic punctuations. Visit this link. It has some good pints to make about punctuation.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/understa ... iri-samson

I notice, that in the first line you have used the word 'was' before consequences. That might be seen as a grammatical error, but in my opinion it brings out the 'object' property of consequences, so I would suggest keeping that. I would say that your ideas are more or less organised, you just need to fit that in a rhythmic pattern. I would suggest, along with redoing the rhythm and punctuation, for you to try incorporating images and metaphors, they add a lot to a poem.

One last thing : To practice punctuation and rhythm, you should look up traditional forms of poetry that have defined syllabic compositions, and follow rhythmic feet. Look at forms like blank verse/alexanderine, or just practice certain meters like iambs or trocheic patterns.

It was a pleasure reading your poem, and I hope this review helps you.
Have a great day/night.
-Ani

Hello! FlamingPhoenix here with a with a review for you on this lovely day and to help get your work out the green room, and most of all to help make this better!


Okay let's start with the review shall we!

So I did see a few things that I would like to point out one at a time.
First off let start with the big one.
So this poem didn't really have a flow to it, and by it not having one you don't get to feel what the writer does, so I have two reasons why that is, lets start with the first one.
It's because you don't have any punctuation in your poem, I see you started adding some at the very end, but you need to do it from the very start, so what ever flow is in your head when you were writing this can be carried over to your reader. It will also allow us to feel the emotions you do better.

The second that is why the flow may not be working is that some of your sentences are really long to others, like you will have a long one like in the beginning, and then it will be a short one, and why doing that it knocks your reader out of balance, and it stops them from grabbing onto the flow you have set up.

Now the last one I saw was not to big of a deal, but I mentioned all the other stuff so might as well. Its your stanzas, they are all uneven. The first one has seven sentences in it, and then the next paragraph has more than that, and then the last one goes right down to four. This also is another reason why your reader can catch onto the flow and emotion. But changing those up are up to you, they aren't that big of a deal.

But other than those few things I really like what you have got here, it is full of many things that all of us go through, and I'm glad you wrote a poem about those few things, even though this didn't really have a flow and I couldn't feel the emotions in this poem, I still really liked it, and I got the clear message you were sending us. And I agree.

I'm glad I get to be one of the lucky people to read and review your work. I hope I will get another change soon, so never stop writing and post again on YWS soon! Have a great day or night!

Your Friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!