Hi!
Im going to start by saying that one thing I really like about this poem is that it defines 'consequences' as an object rather than the typical connotation of the word. It is something all of us grow up fearing, rather than understanding, sort of like " if you don't go to bed early a group of mammoths will play volleyball with you". That is what this poem does well, it personifies consequences which is something that resonates with everyone. I also like how it addresses, and questions most parenting and schooling approaches, i. e. are punishments really teaching a child something, or are they just teaching them to fear that thing called 'consequences'. So well done with that!
Next, lets come to the structure :
One major problem here is punctuation. You need to revise punctuation and add rhythm to the poem, otherwise its just a broken up piece of prose writing. Make the pauses such that they not only add rhythm to the peom, but also compliment its meaning. To understand thet better I would suggest you to read "A blanket of silence' by itsmejr which in my opinion is a good example of structure resonationg with idea (read my review on it if you want an explanation).
I would suggest going through some punctuation ideas and basics in poetic punctuations. Visit this link. It has some good pints to make about punctuation.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/understa ... iri-samson
I notice, that in the first line you have used the word 'was' before consequences. That might be seen as a grammatical error, but in my opinion it brings out the 'object' property of consequences, so I would suggest keeping that. I would say that your ideas are more or less organised, you just need to fit that in a rhythmic pattern. I would suggest, along with redoing the rhythm and punctuation, for you to try incorporating images and metaphors, they add a lot to a poem.
One last thing : To practice punctuation and rhythm, you should look up traditional forms of poetry that have defined syllabic compositions, and follow rhythmic feet. Look at forms like blank verse/alexanderine, or just practice certain meters like iambs or trocheic patterns.
It was a pleasure reading your poem, and I hope this review helps you.
Have a great day/night.
-Ani
Points: 2299
Reviews: 31
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