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sparks

by TheBlueCat


sparks fly

flint to steel

the friction of two objects

rubbing each other the wrong way

we are the flint and steel

you the flint

who also makes the tips of arrows

who's words can be sharper than you know

or an arrow of truth

which pierces my heart

and lifts me up

your words of magnets

two polar opposites

/

i am the steel

i form buckets as well

holding myself inside

but you pierced a hole

right through the bottom

and made me spill myself right onto you

and i wish i hadn't

because your arrows are waterproof

and you don't seem to care

after i finished pouring myself on you

/

you rubbed me one last time

with your words of flint

sparks flying everywhere

but this time they light a fire

the fire becomes me

but now that it's lit

i'm not going to stop it

because you need to feel

how it feels to get burnt


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36 Reviews


Points: 260
Reviews: 36

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Wed Sep 11, 2019 4:04 pm
LadyAstella wrote a review...



This....Is....Beautiful....The use of two objects that creat fire is so creatively used. It shows how it sets a fire in the heart and the pain and emotion poured into trusting one person. I almost feel that this is meant to show how putting your trust into someone who doesn't deserve it can unleash a fire that destroys everything you have worked for, your heart also burns to a crisp and it is irreversible. My favorite part of this poem is
"sparks fly

flint to steel

the friction of two objects

rubbing each other the wrong way

we are the flint and steel

you the flint

who also makes the tips of arrows

who's words can be sharper than you know

or an arrow of truth

which pierces my heart

and lifts me up

your words of magnets

two polar opposites"




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852 Reviews


Points: 21755
Reviews: 852

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Wed Sep 11, 2019 12:14 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey BlueCat just hopping by to leave a quick review!


So first off, I would say your punctuation/capitalization choices seem just perfect for this poem. They make the piece feel a bit informal, while still keeping the look clean on the page because all the choices are consistent throughout the piece. Another benefit of not capitalizing, is you let the line breaks speak more, because the flow isn't disrupted by random capital letters, so you can be a little more loose where your sentences and thoughts start and stop - which seemed to fit just fine with the speaker's attitude in this piece! :)


I really like the image of flint and sparks for a poem about a relationship - I actually wrote a poem with very similar imagery for Camp NaPo last year, and your poem makes me want to return to my own! The imagery is just so flexible! Because fire is interesting and exciting, but it can also be dangerous and unpredictable!! So the symbolism can fit with a lot of moods all at once.

Now as for your metaphors, I was following everything pretty well - up until this:
"and i wish i hadn't

because your arrows are waterproof

and you don't seem to care

after i finished pouring myself on you"'

I'm not following what "waterproof" could be a symbol for, and it feels like the metaphor almost goes one step too far - it might actually be interesting to make a crying reference to go with the bucket/water, or just bring it a notch back to reality, because just the imagery of this was really weird for me.

When you're doing extended metaphors, you have to make sure that the extension not only makes sense logically, but that like the image makes sense (there are some exceptions when a poem is being purposely ambiguous or twisted.. but in general) -so I'm imagining flint and steel, and then it morphing into arrow heads and buckets, and then the bucket is suddenly filled with water and pouring over the arrows, and it's just like ... when would that image ever occur in the real world? For me it doesn't quite resonate, though I like where you're going in stanza 1 & 3.

Another mixed metaphor that I didn't know if it quite worked was at the beginning of stanza 1 you say "sparks fly" and that is sometimes used as an expression to say two people like each other romantically - and based on the rest of the poem, I'm not sure if that's the case for the speaker and subject, or if they honestly just don't get along. Actually the poem read very different in that first stanza based on whether I understood the speaker and subject to be romantically involved or enemies - even the physical connotations of some of the language you used read quite differently there. It's kind of interesting being ambiguous in this case, but I just thought I'd note that in case you intended it to be read one way or the other.

For me stanza 3 is really the strongest, because the whole poem I'm waiting for that fire imagery and then here it is - you very clearly state the metaphorical and real-world conflict. The person's words, and bring up that they're scared of getting burned.

Yeah, overall I like what you're doing with extended metaphor and imagery in this poem and there's even some neat rhyming and sound devices. I think bits of the metaphorical language and plot could be straightened up a little, but overall it's a really enjoyable poem.

Let me know if you had any questions about my review and please keep writing! :)

- alliyah

Image




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you so much alliyah! <3 I understand and appreciate all your input so thank youu c:



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509 Reviews


Points: 74
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Tue Sep 10, 2019 11:00 pm
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Jaybird wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to review your work.

Reading through this poem made me nostalgic - the style was very similar to a children's book I read years ago, where the protagonist and his mother (two rabbits) continued to change forms throughout the piece to show how dedicated they were to each other. Your poem obviously isn't about rabbits, but it had that same feeling: showing a connection through a series of metaphors the narrator clearly compares to the "protagonist" of the work.

One of my favorite things about your poem is how the analogy you started with also was used as an ending. From the title and the first line, I was expecting some reference to fire, and was more than a little surprised when it didn't immediately come up. But I was really satisfied when I got to the ending and saw that you finally went into that metaphor. Your poem ended with a metaphorical bang.

It's admittedly a little confusing on the first read, but a quick reread helped me get a better grasp. I'm not sure if there's any way for you to easily change that, or even if you want to - I feel like the confusion matches the overall mood of your poem.

Other than that, I can't come up with any other critiques! Your poem looks great.

Happy #RevMo !

Image




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you again so much Mage! <3 I'm not sure about the confusion; after reading it so many times myself it's hard for me to see that part of the poem xD Although, it can be really good to re-read poems!
Thanks again<3



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Tue Sep 10, 2019 2:40 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello my dear writing friend, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely night, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's start.

So this poem was really well written I liked everything about it, it was stacked with deep seated emotion that just over flowed me as I read, and I like how you tell a story through your words, it just makes this so much better, and how you describe the two people with different mettle, it just makes everything so much clearer.
I don't no how you did it, but you just made this feel so real, like it is something that has happened in my life.

As much as I loved this work I can't help but point out two small things that has to be addressed. So let's start with the smaller thing.

So here is the first thing.

after i finished pouring myself on you

First I don't think you need this sentence because the sentence above this tells us that they don't care after pouring yourself out. Secondly is that you have already said something very much like this a few sentences before this, so you are repeating yourself. So either you could take this sentence out, or change it up a bit to say the same thing in the different way, or just leave it. The choice is yours.

Another thing I would like to point out is that you have no punctuation in your poem, I no some poems don't have any but having a few commas here and there really helps with the flow, it allows your reader to pick up on the pace you want them to be reading at, I mean if you want them to read this slowly, with out punctuation they could be reading this fast. You see what I'm getting at. It just puts everything out of wack.

Anyway that's all I have for you today, If I was rude in anyway please tell me because I did not intend it in anyway I just want to help you out. I hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS so I can read and review your work again! Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Image




TheBlueCat says...


Hey FlamingPhoenix! I really appreciate your thoughts and agree with you until the punctuation. That's perfectly okay, but just because I'm a poetry nerd, here's a super helpful resource on punctuation in poetry!
Let me know if you ever need any help with poetry things, and thank you again for the review! c:





Ahh okay I understand! :D



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29 Reviews


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Tue Sep 10, 2019 1:54 pm
MiniGem26 wrote a review...



Gem climbing out of her Jewelrybox here for a review.

I like your poem it is a good piece I normally don't review a piece unless I know I have something to say about it, this is one of those pieces I can be genuine with. It holds emotion, but without capitilization it kind of falls flat.

Okay, so the first thing I am seeing here is the complete absence of punctuation, punctuation is not mandatory but I do recommend some commas. Along with that there is the absence of capitilization which is also recommended, my problems here are also small as most capitilization rules are limited in poetry as well, I suggest capitilizing all of the "I's" in your poetry as that will not be overlooked as easily.


Okay so capitalization can help or hurt your effect I think it may have hurt yours, your poem has a defiant tone like you are talking to your ex. But with out capitilization it seems mopey, I am betting you left it out because you were in a rush or had just typed it and were making sure it saved. Either way it effected your tone.

Inside these spoilers I will show you some of the edits I would make to help the flow of your poem and some examples of what I was meaning above.

Spoiler! :


Capitalizing

Sparks fly

Flint to steel

The friction of two objects Capitalizing makes your poetry pop it doesn't look as plain or mopey it looks formal important even.

Rubbing each other the wrong way

We are the flint and steel

You the flint You're would work better here.


Some Corrections/Suggestions

who also makes the tips of arrows Also isn't mandatory

who's words can be sharper than you know and the absence of the word would help flow.
or an arrow of truth

which pierces my heart

and lifts me up

your words of magnets Maybe are instead of 'of'.

two polar opposites



Commas

i am the steel,

i form buckets as well,

holding myself inside, Put them wherever you want us to pause if not, we need a deep breath to read this aloud.

but you pierced a hole

right through the bottom,

and made me spill myself right onto you,

and i wish i hadn't,

because your arrows are waterproof,

and you don't seem to care

after i finished pouring myself on you



Some Corrections/Suggestions

you rubbed me one last time

with your words of flint

sparks flying everywhere

but this time they light a fire Maybe 'lit a fire' instead.

the fire becomes me

but now that it's lit

i'm not going to stop it

because you need to feel

how it feels to get burnt Maybe find a way not to repeat 'feel' here, it feels redundant.





Thank you for the wonderful poem and keep reviewing.


And with that Gem climbs back into her JewelryBox until next time.




TheBlueCat says...


Hey Gem! I appreciate your review but I'd like to quickly address capitalization and punctuation in poetry. It is all a personal choice, but both are not ever necessary in poetry. I like to leave out both to either create a rolling effect, and to let the reader make their own choices on how it's read. Here's some resources on this topic: Capitalization in Poetry and Punctuation in Poetry
If you have any more questions on this topic, feel free to ask! Thanks again for the review and have a great day! c:



MiniGem26 says...


I have said that they were recommended, I did not and do not believe they were needed or required. Thank you and have a nice day!




"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso