Young Writers Society

Hi there TheBlueCat! As a Cake Day present, I decided to gift you a review on your most recent work, so let's get into it!

Overall, I liked the format of this poem and the way you created a progression through repetition. There was a distinguishable pattern that you followed in each stanza, and I enjoyed the way that that pattern created a sense of flow and structure that made this poem easy to read. It was also nice to see the progression from a young child, daydreaming of unicorns, to an older child recognizing the impracticalities of some of those dreams. That being sad, I did have two suggestions for you about how you could improve it, so let's jump into those:

1) I think it would have been interesting for you to carry this idea further. As I was reaching the end, I was anticipating to see the way that childhood slips away from the main character, and yet you seem to fall short of that. In doing so, you lost a bit of the momentum that you had been building throughout this poem, and didn't quite deliver in the most powerful way possible. It's not the choice I would have made, which doesn't mean it was the wrong choice for you, but I wanted to bring up this perspective for you.

2) I would have liked to see you vary a little bit from the structure of each stanza. While the repetition did help you build a sense of structure, slight variances would have created more of a sense of progression and gives you opportunities to introduce new themes and developments. I think spiraling off this theme and then bringing it back to the original idea would have given you a bit more creative room to work, and allowed you to feel a little bit less restrained than you currently are. I hope that makes sense; it feels a little discombobulated now that I'm writing it out, but I did my best to explain this idea.

Overall, this was a strong poem with endearing repetition, but I feel that you could strengthen it by continuing this poem to show the change from the daydreams of children to the harsh reality of adulthood and stepping away from the strict repetitive pattern you've outlined here. Even though this is a bit of an older work, I hope that this review sparked some new ideas that may be helpful to you in either revising this work or in your future writing. As always, please feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns Happy Cake Day!

Best,
Tuck

Really creative. Nice timeline concept. And awesome how it builds up interest and suspense with mythological creatures and then comes back down to a common, everyday pet. Hooray for cat fans!

Hello cat!
Let's start with my interpretation.I think the whole thing is a metaphor for life goals. All these friends represent something everyone goes through. Every toddler has big 'unrealistic' dreams : becoming the president, or the next big actor, or singer or in my case the next JK Rowling and Albert Einstien (yes, both).These goals change as we grow, but remain 'unrealistic'. You have captured that really well. Uptill age 12, you had beautiful and 'unrealistic' dreams, they keep changing and evolving, but all represent tge same thing. Then, when you hit 15, you realise (or the world finally breaks you and makes you realise) that your dreams are 'unrealistic', and you start giving up on them due to fear of failiure. The last stanza shows this beautifully. You give up on ponys and mermaids and dragons, and decide to settle for 'cats'. I absolutely loved that about this poem.
Structurally, I think you could make same edits and make this wonderful poem better.
For example, in the second line of staza two, replace the word "filling" by "filled".
In the same stanza, line 6 i think it would sound better if you remove the word "delicate". Also in the last line of the same stanza, the word "lacked" doesn't seem to fit. I would suggest replacing it with a word like "craved".
In the second last line of the third stanza, I would suggest removing the word 'underwater'.
Stanza four needs the most editing. You messed the rhythm and structure up in the last two lines. They are too long and do not fit the poems structure. Especially the last line. I would suggest cutting them up, replacing some words or maybe changing them completely. I would either lose the last line, and cut the second last into two, or say " (remove the 'and') a smell of campfires/from smoke that curled /softly from his nose."
The last stanza is my personal favourite. Especially the message that it delivers. The " a tad easier to find" really defines the poem.
I loved this one! Thanks for sharing, and I hope my review helped.
Have a great day/night.
-Ani

Hey!

First off, I just want to say how absolutely adorable and wholesome this is. Happier, brighter poetry like this is always nice and brings a smile to people's faces when done correctly. I love how each age had their own dreams which, honestly, kinda corresponded with the age groups. At least, I personally related to it in that sense. Secondly, how the whole thing fizzled down and was wrapped up with cat is adorable. In a sense, it kind of showcases how as we become older we become more realistic and happier with the things right in front of us. Did you intend that?
However, I do feel the stanza's are somewhat short and choppy. Some detail for each to kind of draw us into each age group and help transition to the next would be helpful. I do really appreciate the lack of punctuation and lower case. It gave the poem a simplistic, childlike feel, which really went along with the adorable story being told. Good work, wish you the best!

From a TinyTurtle,

Toby

Helllo,

I really like the way this poem is broken up chronologically, and the imagery is amazing! I think the topic is something easily relatable, I myself had a wee little panda around age 9. Mostly because math was boring. I also like how the imaginary creatures evolve, until they end up into something real, that's just cool. I like the choppy structuring of the stanzas, but when you're describing the creatures, it's not as magical as the creatures being described. Maybe you can keep the short stanzas and mesh together the longer descriptive ones? That way it'll read more melodically in the right places and will have a set rhythm. Other than that, I really have nothing else to put, so fantastic poem!

Tootles,

AndName