Whirling, twirling through the air
Dancing freely with no cares
They lay like a blanket over beds of flowers
They cover trees with white in showers
~
They skate upon the ice like pros
Even though they are just seconds old
They whisper softly in my ear
They announce that Winter is finally here
~
But when the water starts to rush
And the Tulips start to blush
They say goodbye to cold winter days
And melt away in the Sun’s hot gaze
That is when you know Spring is here
~
But don’t worry
The snowflakes will come
Dancing back next year
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Thanks!
(In 5th grade I had no concept of patterns of lines per stanza! xD)
Hello again Blue! I'm here to leave a review on your newest poem, so here we go!
I'm just going to go stanza by stanza because it's not too long and then give a few additional observations.
In line two it'd be smoother to say "without care" rather than "with no cares" -- this would also be a clearer rhyme.
In line three I like your alliteration with "lay" and "like" and then "blankets" and "beds", this adds a bit of interest to the poem.
Line four's a tad confusing, it might be clearer to eliminate the word "in". -- Good imagery though for a start.
First line here uses the phrase "like pros" -- this casual comment takes on a different tone than the elegant language used in the first stanza, for me that's a bit distracting.
I love lines 3 & 4 here where you actually give the snowflakes a bit of personality by letting them whisper. I wish they said something a bit more profound, but I'm not sure what else I'd expect a snowflake to say.
Here I wish that the stanza length matched the other two, it just looks and feels a bit out of place to have that extra line here. Line 5 maybe be moved to the last stanza to keep it consistent?
Other than that I like this stanza. It's pretty clean and reminds me of Olaf from the move Frozen.
Again I wish this stanza was the same length as the others and followed a similar rhyme scheme. I find the ending also a bit odd because we don't know who the "don't worry" is being addressed to.
Also the phrasing "back next year" is a little odd.
Overall Observations
So this was a nice little poem about a topic that is readily made poetic; snowflakes! I liked your detail about the snowflakes whispering and I think it would have been interesting to incorporate even more of this in the rest of the poem. To engage the reader's emotions, the speaker really needs to engage the emotional aspect of the snowflakes melting -- either through descriptions of their beauty or something else that links them with humanity. You begin to do this with the elegant descriptions in stanza one and the whispering in stanza two, I'd just like to see the personality and elegance of the snowflakes drawn out even more.
I think a little more consistency in the last two stanzas with formatting and rhyming would go a long way in making this poem feel more polished as well as improve the overall flow of the piece.
Best of luck in your future writing, let me know if you have any questions about my review!
~alliyah
Thanks!
I'm probably not going to change it to preserve my 5th grade original poem, but still, thanks for the tips!
Hello! Konijn here to review your poem! As someone who started writing when I was young, I find it very fun to see what others wrote in their younger years as well. It makes me reminisce and remember why I started writing in the first place. You did really well for your age- fifth graders often can't write as well as those in older years. You definitely put me to shame!
As for critiques, I'd like to point out certain areas where the flow seems odd. For instance, as the review below me states, "They cover trees with white in showers" sounds a bit odd. I'd like to add an additional way to fix it, which is to reword it slightly. "They cover trees in white showers" or even to remove the "in" completely, and say "They cover trees with white showers". Either of these would both make sense and keep the same rhyme scheme and concept.
Though this might come off as really nitpicky, I didn't like the way the second line was worded either. "Dancing freely with no cares" sounds off to me, and I personally would change it to "Dancing freely without a care", but this is my own personal opinion and considering it's such a minor thing. I just don't think the word "cares" sounds right in this line.
I also noticed that you have 5 lines in stanza 3, and only 3 lines in stanza 4, but considering the general theme and flow of the lines in stanza 3, I actually quite like it.
Other than that, I have no critiques. The poem is beautiful and sweet, and I really enjoyed reading it. Have a nice day, and keep writing!
Thanks!
Ok so first things first I think this is really cute, and good for a fifth graders work. It kind of reminds me of a poem I wrote in fourth grade, but don't worry cause yours is way better. I feel like this is something I would find in one of those books with poems in it. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Anyways, I think you did really well with the rhyming through out it. I really like what it's about and how simple it is. Like you can just understand it without having to go too deep trying to find meaning. I also absolutely love fall and winter so this is definitely a poem I can love. etiate
I don't know what that last word is, and it wont let me edit so please ignore it
Thanks!
Cute poem.
Thanks!
Hey-o, AJ here!
Aww, this was so cute and fun to read! I've posted some things I wrote years ago, and I still cringe over a couple of them, but I did have some great concepts, and you seem to have had good ideas too!
I'm not sure if you have any interest in making changes to this, but I have a couple suggestions if you do.
- "They cover trees with white in showers" I feel like "with white" and "in showers" feel out of order. You could maybe do "whitened showers" or something, in order to keep with the rhythm and rhyme scheme.
- "They whisper softly in my ear / They announce that Winter is finally here" I think the second line would sound better as quotes. So like " They whisper softly in my ear / "Winter, winter is finally here!"
- Personally, I'm not too fond of capitalizing words within the lines, like Tulips and Sun. I think the reader will realize that those are important without them being capitalized.
Overall, I think this is lovely! Often, simplistic poetry is better than overcomplicated poetry, and this just makes me happy. (I love winter, and I'm really ready to get back to it)
Keep on writing, and Happy RevMo!
-AJ