if the universe was a girl
her hair would be made of nothingness
with stardust sprinkled in
she would have eyes like stars
glittering with laughter and love
~
if the universe was a girl
her dress would be made of galaxies
sewn together with comets
her very skin would be painted
with constellational freckles
dancing joyfully over rich blue skies
~
if the universe was a girl
she would cherish the little things in life
and love with a big heart
she would be a mystery herself
with mischief and playfulness sprinkled in
~
if the universe was a girl
she would be
me
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Absolutely love this. Especially the very last sentence - that was a great twist at the end there. Gave me a laugh.
I do think the meter in this poem is a bit hard to follow at first since it doesn't follow any standard rules, but the imagery and description and the colorful ideas are super fun and quite enjoyable to read!
THIS IS SO TRUE.
I LOVE THIS. I HOPE THAT THE UNIVERSE WILL SEE YOU AS THE GIRL YOU SEE YOURSELF TO BE. AND THAT YOU NEVER CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY.
AND MOST OF ALL!!!!
DON'T YOU EVER STOP WRITING
Hi there TheBlueCat! Niteowl here to review.
I love the first two stanzas. The space imagery is simply enchanting and I think this perspective is unique.
This feels a little awkward to me. The last line here feels plain, and I got confused because I was picturing daytime skies, not night skies. Plus "constellational" is awkward and not a word. Perhaps:
with constellation freckles
that dance across night skies
would work better.
I'm not as crazy about the third stanza. It feels tell-y and lacks the imagery punch of the previous stanza. Maybe you can work in the personality description with the physical using the space imagery. Like instead of "she cherished the little things in life", you could have "she cherished every planet that was woven into her galaxy dress". Instead of "she loved with a big heart", you should have "her heart ached for all the creatures that lived and died on her chest". Okay that's a little weird, but I think using the space imagery to show her personality would make this stanza more interesting.
The last stanza is surprising and intriguing. At first I find myself thinking that the speaker is rather arrogant, to think that she contains the entire universe. But then I think about how we are all made of stardust, how we are all connected to the rest of the universe through the force of gravity, and it makes me think that the girl is seeing that connection, feeling like she is part of something bigger than herself. And that's quite a cool thought.
Overall, I really liked this. Keep writing!
Thank you so much for the thoughts! c:
Oh gosh that ending! I didn't see it coming yet it elevated the meaningfulness of the poem and tied it all up wonderfully! (at least from my sense of things)
It made me smile. Lovely ~
Thank youu <3
<3
Hey there, TheBlueCat!!
Here is Eros with a review for you!!
Loved this poem a lot... The title was amazing and the idea was great!
The choice if set of the words you have used are also very good. The flow is great... But--
Feels great when added a little "The" before rich blue skies:
Dancing joyfully over the rich blue skies ...
Rest ...it was a great poetry and you have described everything in apt detail and ...it was lovely
Keep writing such awesome poetries and other stuff, and we would love to keep reading them and reviewing them!!
Have a great day / night!!
With love,
From Eros.
Thanks for the review! c:
Omg hey! Normally I don’t review poetry but the title of this really caught my eye and I felt like I wanted to review (which is rare these days lol).
Anyway, I wanted to start off by saying I really like the premise of personifying the universe, which is *kinda* a big topic, but you focused more on the space aspect which is think is interesting. The universe is sooo expansive, but I think that’s what made the second to last stanza effective. That stanza was probably my favorite just because it went a bit beyond just the “humanified” description of the universe.
I’m not sure I’m that fond of the phrase “sprinkled in” to describe the qualities. It’s used twice, which makes it repetitive and less effective. I think it works well with the first one (stardust) because it’s a physical “sprinkle” but the second one - with mischief and playfulness - it really doesn’t work out for me. I think it would work better something like:
“with mischief and playfulness
in the smile on her face”
(badly written, haha, but the idea is a bit more showing rather than just using “sprinkled in” which feels a bit lazy to me).
I like the subtle contradiction between vastness and specific details (whether that was on purpose or not). I’m kinda craving a bit more to the vastness, though - I like the “nothingness” of her hair and her “mystery” but after saying she’s a mystery, that left me wanting to know more about this girl who’s mysterious and how that affects her or other mysterious qualities to her (not saying to delve deeper into the specifics and explain mysteries but rather expand farther on the vastness... hope that makes sense haha).
Anyway, I think that’s all I have to say! I’m writing this review on my phone so there might be some crazy errors or something and I apologize if there are, but I hope it helps nonetheless!
EternalRain
Thank you <3
Hello, Anne here for a review. I apologize if there are any mistakes on is review, I am working on a new device, but will get through it.
First of all, I really enjoyed how your whole poem was a cluster of firugative language. This can be hard to do sometimes, but I feelas if you have done it in a professional way. I do have some suggestions for you though
In your first stanza, I feel like you can get rid of the word with. It seems as if you add some extra words into your poetry, and Doing so hurts your flow. For example.....
You wrote:
" her hair would be made of nothingness with stardust sprinkled in"
It would sound better if you took a few words out:
" her hair would be made of nothingness, stardust sprinkled in"
I would also make your poem a bit longer. You could fatten your stanzas up a bit ( which does not seem to fit your general style here ) or you could simply add more. I would also use a bit more imagery. The imagery that you included was beautiful, but if you added more, your poem would be about ten times better.
There are also a few spots within your stanzas that do not seem to be fit. I would either change them, get rid of the, or sepate them into othe stanzas. If you read your poem outloud, I am sure that you could catch onto some of them. Here is an example of what i am talking about:
'If the universe was a girl she would cherish the little things in life and love with a big heart SHE WOULD BE A MYSTERY HERSELF WITH MISCHIEF AND PLAYFULLNESS SPRINKLED IN"
( the bold part does not seem to fit )
Also, you seem to be sort of repetitive, you use key words or phrases more than once, like sprinkled in....
That is all I have for you today, i enjoyed reading and reviewing your beautiful poem, habe a good day
- Anne
Thanks for the review! c: