The Hope You Can Give

Hi Izzy here for a review!

I want to say you did a very good job!

I think that this is a very good poem.

This describes a very emotional process and it portrays that you are (or whoever this is about) are dependant on a person.

Grammatically, it is good, missing a few commas here and there but it is very good!

I like this! Keep writing!

Izzy

Hey BlueCat! Hope you're doing well friend! Just stopping by to leave a little review. So I'm going to sort of go through and give a few thoughts and suggestions that I was thinking after reading this poem.

1. Story/Narrative Development
So the poem tells a pretty clear story, or at least succeeds in communicating a problem. - The speaker seems to be completely dependent on this person that they love, and while their life is falling apart they find themselves even more dependent on them. For me, one aspect I would love more clarification on the story aspect is - why is the speaker so dependent on this one person? It doesn't really seem healthy, and the poem just gives us hints. I think a little more development into why this other person is just so special would help readers better understand the relationship presented.


2.Capitalization & Punctuation
I really appreciated that you kept your punctuation and capitalization choices consistent for this piece - in my opinion that makes a piece seem a lot more polished. You might want to try experimenting in the future with different capitalization choices - for instance in free-verse today although it's a poetic convention to capitalize the first word of each line, it's totally not necessary. I normally decide on my capitalization based on the tone of the poem. If it's very formal, narrative driven, or blunt - I might go with a lot of capital letter lines. If you're looking to improve the flow, keep it casual or stream of consciousness and blend the emotion and narrative into one seamless thread - then lower cased lines are better in my opinion. This poem came off as sort of begging and insistent with the capital letters, I think the tone would be softer with lower cased lines. This article gives further explanations on capitalization techniques: Capitalization in Poetry

3.Redundancy
One last aspect I think could be improved upon in this poem is eliminating some of the redundancy. You did a solid job eliminating necessary wordiness - so your lines are already nice and succinct. But, some of the lines are really just saying the same thing over and over again.

For instance all of these lines are saying almost the same exact thing:

"Stumbling through life
....
I’m falling into the pit of despair"

"Without your help
I may be forever lost
Drowning without hope"
....
"Trying to keep myself together
Still falling apart
Life pulling at me from every angle
I can’t keep it together much longer"

"Without your help
I may be forever lost
I need you
...
I need you to be there
....
All I need is hope
The hope you can give"

Hi! This is a really heartfelt poem, it expresses a very personal feeling, and it is written in a way that really tells the reader how you're feeling without saying it. I can really see how much your family means to you when it comes down to a situation like this.

I only have a few suggestions to this poem, and that is maybe use a more widespread vocabulary, maybe using more words so it rolls of the tongue smoother.

Other then that, this is a fairly simple and pretty poem. Besides, when it comes to poems that have a deep and personal meaning like this don't have to be perfect when it comes to grammar and things.

Great job, I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for sharing such personal emotions. You, very effectively convey your desperation. In fact, it becomes like a mantra with the repetition of the same emotion albeit in different words.


When evaluating poetry we must ask what the poem is seeking to elicit from the readers. Anger? Joy? Contempt? Frustration? Mirth? Sorrow? Bitterness?

In my case this poem elicited pity. I feel sorry for the speaker whether it be a persona used or a real person since being dependent on someone who doesn't reciprocate our love is usually timewasting and counterproductive. The ideal is to be self-sufficient. So if it's pity that the poem seeks to arouse in the reader, it succeeds in my case.

Suggestions:

"....into a pit of no sun...." I think that "....into a sunless pit..." is better.

Firstly, I would like to say is that you did a real good job, as you wrote it in just 10 minutes.

It is a beautiful description of being in despair and calling out for hope and even joy. And as you said even a simple smile would do. Thats because when people have lost hope, anything that would bring it back is always welcome, even if it is a simple smile.

It is a beautiful description of calling out to a person to stand beside you to give you strength.

But i have doubts.
'Pit of no sun' is not a proper phrase i think and does not convey anything.
Moreover you have not used proper punctuation.

But apart from all this, it is a creative piece of work. Keep it up.

Hello, Hope here. I loved this poem so much! It describes me in this moment, which was kind of shocking. But I love it! It's very powerful and emotional. I don't know if that was what you were going for, but that's the message I got.
That one line, "I'm falling into the pit of no sun"...I just think it could have been worded differently, or better. But I don't write poetry, so I wouldn't know. But Good job! Keep up the good work!