What I Love

Jasmine - You're right as always but I'm not sure if it's worth another re-write. It was so long ago and I'm rather detached from it now. Maybe just for you though =)

Quippie - Thanks very much!

Lizzy - I'm not sure what mood I was in when I wrote this but I was probably depressed and trying to convince myself that I was happy with what I had. I did that a lot in those days, it made it easier for me to smile and laugh for my friends. Thanks for the suggestions.

You have some good imagery in here but the happiness of it all actually scares me. Were you going through a mental break down when you wrote this - because I could just imagine someone reading this out in front of everyone while wearing a manic grin. Anyway, that's how I see it.

Your structure was good; nice and traditional, which means it tends to be easier to work with. Your rythm works well with the whole happy concept as it tends to be bouncy and fun; if you know what I mean?

Altogether, this was okay.

XD That was real cute. I was going to say something about the syllables and that, but it seems you've fixed it in your rewrite. You had wonderful imagery, what with the colors and whatnot. I liked it.

This version is better, I think. I'm not sure "darkest" works, I think it makes the line sound too long-winded...
The second verse is better now, though I'm not sure about the last line there. First off, it sounds like you're talking about specific cherries, but, if you were, you couldn't know they were juicy and sweet if you hadn't tasted them. Am I making any sense? I'm not so sure I am...I apologise. Though I'm still not sure this line sounds right. I think it needs to be more pointy.
The third verse is much better now. I think I'd omit "a" and put "the" before "endless".
The next verse is better now too.
I'm just not sure about this white verse. I didn't like how you twisted the syntax in teh last line, as it sounded awkward.
I like the next new verse better than the old one. I'd omit "gold" for the sake of rhythm.
I still don't love the last verse, but this is probably more my issue than the poem's. What I would say though is, that I'd change the last line to "Be content with what what you've got." I'm not sure I have a reason...just goingwith gut instinct here (what else is new?)
Anyway, well done on the rewrite, and I hope this helps.

Thanks for the comments everyone!

Here's a brief re-write -

I have a love of all things green,
From blades of grass to far off trees,
But I have never really seen
The finest, darkest, greenest leaves.

I have a love of all things red,
From roses to fresh strawberries,
But I have never really fed
Upon the juicy, sweet cherries.

I have a love of all things blue;
Azure ocean to endless sky.
But in my life, I've seen too few
Of blue birds that go flying by.

I have a love of all things gold,
'Cross scorching sand to dazzling sun,
But I have yet to be so bold,
To watch the mighty lions run.

I have a love of all things white,
From paper to painted windmills,
But hindered by my poor eyesight,
Lost to me are vast, snowy hills.

This poem comes with a morale
As can often be the case.
Snow, gold, sea, grass and coral,
They all take up too much space.

You can't be forever hoping
For just another spot.
Can't be forever groping,
Just be happy with what you've got.

_____________________
There we go. It's strange though. To say it's only been a few years, I've now seen lions, snowy mountains and lots of blue birds and yet somehow it's still relevant and it reminds me of a person I once knew.

kitty15 wrote:I have a love of all things red,
From roses to [s]red[/s] strawberries.
But I have never really fed,
Upon the sweetest cherries.

Wow! I really liked your poem. It was very good. I liked how in each part you wrote about all of the colors that you loved from, blue, green, red, too gold and white. I really liked how you put the words together and made them flow. That is what makes your poem a great read and also an inspiration. Great job!

This seemed too blatant at the end, just coming out and telling what the "moral of the story" is. Just that last line, especially. It made it seem... too simple. Like there was nothing left to gather, nothing left to figure out.

I don't know quite what I think about the middle part. Nice language, anyway.

This was a really cute poem! I think you need to work on your rhythm a bit-I don't have time for a full crit, stanza by stanza, but I think you need to read this out loud and see how it flows. The imagery was beautiful, and I especially liked the red and gold images. With the rhythm you (could) have on this poem, it's kind of like something you'd beat out on a desk: DUH duh duh duh duh DUH, etc. On some of your lines, that part was off. You used too many words it some lines, such as the one with windmills in it, but good job overall!

I realy liked this. It is really happy and cheery. I love all the colours and the imagery in the poem. I love it!

Okay, everybody, you know what you want to say!

AWWWWW...

Okay, now that that's done, I won't offer a really good critique (two years is a long time, after all!) but I will say that I've read this! I like the message and OMG. I love the colors! Seriously, this is one of the prettiest poems about colors that I've read.

This was a little too happy for my liking, but of course it's not the poem's fault that I'm a cyncic, so I'll try really hard to be constructive!
Firstly, I think I'd put an adjective before "grass". Maybe "emerald". I think the third line of the next stanza is a bit wishy-washy. Rhythm- wise it's fine, but I think what you're saying here should be more direct. I'd say "far" instead of "way" for the sake of alliteration. I think it would make it sound more melodious.
I'm not too mad about the next too stanzas. Again, if you were to keep them, the former needs an adjective in the second line. The latter just doesn't do anything for me, and I'm not too sure about using paper and windmills, though I don't really have a reason, so that's not all that helpful! "But within my poor eye-sight" doesn't really make much sense. It should really be "with", but then you're a syllabyl short, so I'd look at changing that line.
The last two stanzas were a bit too sappy/preachy for my taste, and I didn't like the use of the word "groping".
I know this sounds really negative, so I apologise, and I hope it helps. Your rhyming is perfect though.