Young Writers Society

Like murtuza said, the meaning is a little obscure. But I like it. And I like how it was written in a kind of meth-induced haze, like you can really tell that the narrator is high. And not just sloppily written for effect, because I can see that there is a subtle rhyme scheme and rhythm to it and that each word seems to fit in place. Very clever

Hey, Heather!

So. This poem took me a while and then some to actually figure out. Or maybe I haven't fully cracked it yet. xD Nevertheless, the first thing that hit me upon reading this was how it was riddled with numerous references. The structure I found here was pretty cool. Using every stanza's second line as the starting line for the next stanza was really nicely implemented and graduated the poem smoothly, but kept the riddle really riddle-y, still.

I personally dislike repetitive or recycled lines in poems. I just feel that it then gives a sort of excuse for the lines to rhyme again and a chance to use up space. Given the structure you've applied though, that could not be avoided. But that's not a point to worry over since it's just my personal taste. It's nice to see rhyme in a poem. Even though it's simplified rhyming, it's flow-y. There were a few places where syllable counts didn't match. And so those slightly prolonged lines sounded like they were trying a little hard, I felt.

I felt like this poem needed to be a two-sided poem. You've played around well with the words to match his wild hallucinations while having been being drugged and it was quite comedic. Though, what if you could somehow alter this poem and its state to make it look like something else at first but then have a different meaning altogether when the reader clearly analyzes each hidden meaning of each line. When I plainly read it just as it is, it makes quite little sense. I mean, if I had to understand this at the literal sense, I wouldn't know what was going on. This is too much to ask of, I'm sure, but I think this would turn out great as being one of those poems!

...
the smog was clearing and I breathed out, ah!
...

The smog was clearing and I screamed out argh!
...

Teehee XP This is classic.

Dude. I love you. I can't bring myself to say anything remotely helpful. I'm giggling too hard. <3

Hey Rydia!

This was hilarious! It reminded me of a guy I saw clutching at my fence and moaning to himself yesterday—either drunk or high. This poem made me able to smile about it, though it wasn't quite that funny at the time.

I love the way it spins in circles! The repetition and circulation of the lines is stunning. I felt slightly dizzy myself by the time I was done with it, and the surprising thing was the meter! I was not expecting it, especially so well implemented and in conjunction with the rhyme! The rhyme was fantastic, by the way. Not too in-your-face, but still making itself known. I cannot begin to imagine how much planning you did to get this to work! Basically I just wrote to gush over it and say that I am practically unable to find anything to criticise.

Oh, maybe, I don't know—I'm afraid that I'm just being stupid, but I could not understand the line "I stumbled to the wreckage up ahead." I think I figured the rest of the poem, but is this just the narrator's hallucinations, or is there really wreckage? What and why? Is there some metaphor I'm not catching?

And "aint" is spelt "ain't". I wouldn't be picking on this, except that I saw you spelt "'cos" with an apostrophe and thought you might yourself be really picky on spelling and grammar.

So, voila! Thank you for making me smile and gasp at your truly remarkable poem!

barefoot