Clandestine Grave
Cradled aloft in an alcove of archives,
grey fingers clutch black through the sand-storm of dust.
Deceptive particles glimmer, distantly floating
in a slant of moonlight;
pixies hovering over box after box.
Forgotten secrets tucked out of sight:
there hides the veil shredded by moths
and lurking in this box with its lid open and its lids open
is a cat gnawed to bone by deserter's hooks.
Sweet perpetrator didn't run far,
sealed within by her own guilty heart.
Look: there's the latch and the lock but no luck;
lost is the key amidst these pixie's wings.
So here lays the brittle skeleton that smells of decay,
her putrid stench pressing through rotten eye sockets
where spiders and wasps live in tentative harmony.
Hear the thrum of wasp wings and the spiders will gossip
as they spin silver webs
to catch the light and the dust (and occasional wasp)
as their host watches on;
silently.
_____________________
Okay, there we go. I've added in a few more lines to smooth it out and I think I'm quite pleased with the result =)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Wow, this wasn't really what I was expecting at all! I've gotten used to (and even begun to like) the sob-story type poems so many post, and that's what I expected.
And who doesn't like surprises?
How convenient...a "surprised" emoticon!
Okay. On to the critique!
It was exceedingly creepy, great job on that! So many nasty adjectives.
Other than that, I'm not really sure what to make of it(possibly because it's past 12AM).
I'm reminded of a hypothetical experiment involving cats and cyanide...but I doubt that's what the poem's about. Anyways, interpretation is always fun, so thank you for the opportunity to do so.
Good poem. *thumb's up(even though it really should be down)*
Vox: thank you. I can see what you mean about it being a little jumpy but trust me, the lines I removed are staying gone. However, I'll see if I can add another few just to smooth it out a little.
Eimear: Life's treating me pretty good lately, how about you? It seems an age since we've talked! And thank you so much for the review, all comments are helpful and yours are very encouraging =)
Miya: Thank you! I think I've solved the problem of what it's missing =)
I don't think it was too short atall, I think it was just right, and I love the imagery it creates.
and I'm not one to correct or suggest with poetry as I am offically terrible at it!
I do however feel that there is something missing but I can't quite put my finger on it
Like Eimar, I loved the ending aswell, it ended perfectly creating mystery, it worked really well, well done!
Meevs
Hey Heather, how is life treating you?
I love this! It's making me wish it was Halloween already. Spectacularly spooky. I like the way you don't oversimplify your work, some people really do take readers for idiots. This is refreshing in the sense that I had to re-read it a few times to really understand where you were coming from.
The atmosphere is definitely the winning point in this. Especially in these descriptions:
'Sand-storm' seems to suggest that the mostly 'dead' image of dust is in fact moving, and fast at that. It's a bit of an oxymoron I think. If it's just my interpretation please correct me.
In this you took showing to a new level. At once, with the beautiful yet simple image of the 'slant of moonlight' I took the time to be midnight, and the concept of the pixies is creative and magical. It's almost like a child's fairy tale with a twist. Fantastic. Do I take the 'box after box' to be graves? I'm not sure- this baffled me somewhat. But the element of mystery is great too. Though to be honest, it's probably very clear, just me being slow!
This is gruesome and awesome. At once I thought of the type of menace that's in Dicken's novels. I loved it- even the 'putrid stench pressing' alliteration. A lot of thought has gone into this and its very intelligent and creative as a result. Writing at its best.
This is interesting. The concept of spiders talking, never mind gossiping is unusual. Nevertheless, I liked it. Sorry if I'm totally useless at nit-picking this!
I loved the ending. Really brought the piece to a mysterious ending. You don't like it? I think the title is fine as it is, sorry I don't have any suggestions, I'm rubbish at titles even for myself!
Love,
Eimear xx
I'm not against short poems, but this one seems a little jumpy, like a few pieces are missing. Post some more of it, since you have it. I love these lines in particular:
"There's the thrum of wasp wings and the spiders will gossip
as they spin silver webs
to catch the light and the dust"
The ending seemed a little sudden, and you need to work on the punctuation. Keep writing!